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Author
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Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-24-2003 07:59 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Lorraine
Have you ever noticed that when you're of a certain age,
everything seems uphill from where you are? Stairs are
steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther
away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded
to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially
the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you
ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves,
endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red
in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age.
On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am.
I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much
that she didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my
hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own
reflection........ Well, REALLY NOW. even mirrors are not
made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're risking
life and limb if you just happen to pull onto the freeway in
front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out
awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my
rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else
would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18
or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer
fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank,
but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I
see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much!
Just who do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going
on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too:
they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one
could ever find a number in here!
All I can do is pass along this warning: Maturity is under
attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon "everyone"
will have to suffer these awful indignities. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-24-2003 08:19 AM
Rated G Lorraine
One hot sunny summer day, Tim and Don decided to go and spend the
day fishing at the lake. They sat on the dock, enjoying the
perfect weather and watching a speed boat pulling a water skier
back and forth across the lake.
Tim and Don, being friendly sorts, waved at the skier but when
the skier tried to wave back he lost his hold on the tow line and
went down hard.
The two friends jumped to their feet in horror and waited for the
skier to surface. But the skiers life preserver came up without
him. Feeling responsible for the fall, Tim and Don both dove in
and swam out to try and save him.
After several fruitless dives they finally found the water skier
lying on the bottom of the lake and pulled him to shore. They
started CPR, Tim doing compressions and Don giving mouth to
mouth.
All of the sudden, Don stopped blowing and started to gag.
Tim, noticing Don had stopped, yelled,
"Why are you stopping?! We have to save this guy!"
Don replied, "The guy WAS water skiing right?"
"Well yah. We both saw him. Why?"
"Because THIS guy is wearing ice skates..." ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-24-2003 09:23 AM
Rated G JJ on Left Coast
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an
oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.
They then get to meet their maker, and because of the
grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them
one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what
the wish is.
"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers,
and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to
be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down
the line, the last guy in line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is
rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his
wish will be.
The guy calms down and says:
"Make 'em all ugly again."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-27-2003 07:06 AM
Rated G
Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, arguing
about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public.
One mathematician claimed that this average was woefully
inadequate, the other maintained that it was surprisingly
high. "I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a
simple math question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner.
If not, you do." He then excused himself to visit the men's room,and the other called the waitress over.
"When my friend comes back," he told her,"I'm going to ask you a
question, and I want you to respond `one third x cubed.'There's
twenty bucks in it for you." She agreed.
The cynic returned from the bathroom and called the waitress
over."The food was wonderful, thank you," the mathematician
started."Incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?"
The waitress looked pensive; almost pained.She looked around the room,at her feet,made gurgling noises, and finally said,"Um,one third x cubed?"
So the cynic paid the check. The waitress wheeled around, walked a few paces away, looked back at the two men, and muttered: "
...plus a constant."
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 09-27-2003 12:15 PM
Women, remember: a sense of humor does not mean you tell him jokes; it means you laugh at his.
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Show me a man with both feet on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't put on his pants.
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Trying to Help a Friend…
I have this friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all the time.
It used to bother me, so I suggested he see a doctor, and have his legs checked out. For years, he told me I was crazy and refused.
But he finally went, and sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was 1/4" shorter than his right.
A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later, he was cured. With both legs now exactly the same length, he no longer leans.
"So," I said, "You didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg."
He just looked at me and said, "I stand corrected."
Airwick, Airwick
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Little Billy returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father."
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied Billy.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the damn difference? " asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
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Liberal Arts major... Will think for food.
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Why is a government worker like a shotgun with a broken firing pin?
It won't work and you can't fire it.
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The Three Southern Wise Men…
I was traveling through a small Southern town when I spotted a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent.
One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. I was totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation.
At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!"
I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar'."
More Airwick
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Future Waiter…
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping.
It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.
Looking in her purse, she commented, "That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are 20 $1 bills."
The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change to give me a reward."
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Why does the newsman on TV smile so much? Isn't he listening to himself?
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One time there was a young teenage girl that was about to finish her year of college. She considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat and her father was a rather staunch Republican. One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to programs like welfare. He stopped her and asked her how she was doing in school.
She answered that she had a 4.0 GPA but it was really tough. She had to study all the time, never had time to go out and party and often went sleepless because all of the studying. She didn't have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends because of all her studying.
He then asked how her friend Mary, that was attending the same college, was doing. She replied that she was barely getting by. She had a 2.0 GPA, never studied. Was very popular on campus and was at parties all the time. She often wouldn't show up for classes because she was hung over.
He then asked his daughter why she didn't go to the Dean's office and ask why she couldn't take 1.0 off her 4.0 and give it to her friend that only had a 2.0. That way they would both have a 3.0 GPA. She fired back and said, "That wouldn't be fair, I worked really hard for mine and my friend has done nothing".
After a moment of silence, she replied, "I guess I will never vote Democrat again".
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It was this little girl's first day of school, and the teacher asked her what her name was. She replied, "Happy Butt."
The teacher said, "Honey, I don't think that's your name. You need to go to the principal’s office and get this straightened out."
So she went to the principal's office and he asked, "What's your name?"
And the little girl said, "Happy Butt."
The principal called the little girl's Mom to get it straightened
Out once and for all. After getting off the phone, he looked at the little girl and said, "Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt!"
The little girl then exclaimed, "Glad Ass, Happy Butt, what's the difference?"
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I am proud that I'm not conceited, even though I have a perfect right to be.
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It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable.
Now, of course, there's also shipping and handling.
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More Light Bulb jokes (some not bad)
Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it will take years, and the bulb must really want to change.
Q: How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Can't be done -- That's a hardware problem.
Q: How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They will just have Marketing tout the dead bulb as a feature and get Support to deny it ever gave off light.
Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb and four to share the experience.
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!!!
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They will wait for it to turn itself in.
Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team -- after weeks of practice -- but they all get a semester's credit for it!
Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle... and one to change the bulb.
Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They won't do it. They will never believe that light bulbs are the best way to light the room, despite the fact that 97% of the population uses them.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-28-2003 03:28 AM
Rated G Donna in Phoenix
NEW WORDS FOR 2003 - Essential additions for the workplace vocabulary:
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream Only to get screwed and die in the end.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a CUBE FARM, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
SITCOMS: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.
SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
WOOFYS: Well-Off Older Folks.
CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously farting while passing through a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-28-2003 06:59 PM
Rated G Eddie in Boston
Things I have learned from my Children. For those with no children - thisis totally hysterical! For those who already have children past this age,this is hilarious.For those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who haveChildren nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yethad children, this is birth control. READ to the end!! The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades,they can ignite.
3. A 3 year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape.It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too
late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year child.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably don't want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade...true story: One
day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read: "And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said,'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy crap! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid...
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-03-2003 06:55 AM
Rated R ![[Mad]](mad.gif) ![[Confused]](confused.gif)
Poor me!
1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy... I'd have had nothing to play with.
2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.
3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because you came home early."
5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning. I put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
9. I'm so ugly...My father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."
11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.
12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said,"I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.
20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control.
21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
And my Favorite: I'm so ugly, when I was born the doctor slapped my mother!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-04-2003 04:42 PM
Rated PG
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.After they got their ent all set up, they fell sound asleep.Some hours later, Tonto wakes The Lone Ranger and says,"Kemo Sabi, look towards sky,what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies,"I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, and then says,
"Astronomically speaking,it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically,it tells me Saturn is in Leo.Time wise,it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, it's evident that the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant.Meteorologically,it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.What's it tell you,Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, and then says, "Kemo Sabi, you dumb ass!Somebody steal tent."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-06-2003 07:05 AM
Rated G
Rules of Life
1. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
2. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
3. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
4. There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
5. Life is sexually transmitted.
6. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
7. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead?"
8. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
9. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
10. Get the last word in: Apologize.
11. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
12. Some people are like Slinkies . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
13. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
14. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?
15. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
16. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
17. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
18. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
19. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue grill?
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