|
|
 
|
|
Author
|
Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two
|
|
|
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 10-13-2003 10:13 AM
Rated PG ![[Eek!]](eek.gif) Sue Bee
Over near England is a very little island,called the Isle of Man,and a very peculiar thing about the people,on this island is,that they don't believe in automobiles,and the climate is such that they can't keep horses so they all have a donkey or what is commonly called an ass.
Some have just ordinary asses that you wouldn't look at twice,
others have extraordinary asses.The mayor has an ass that nobody
looks at twice,but his wife has a beautiful ass.
People who really know asses say that she has one of the finest
asses that they have ever seen.Men often stop her on the way to
the market to pat her ass.
On Sunday they all go to church on their asses.Sometimes the
girls ride the boys asses and sometimes the boys ride the girls
asses.
Now of this particular Sunday the preacher had to leave immediately following the sermon so he thought he better have it
handy,so he tied his ass just outside the window.During the service a fire broke our and everyone ran to save his ass.The preacher jumped out of the window expecting to land on his ass, but there was a big hole and he fell into it.Which goes to show that even a preacher doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 10-15-2003 02:57 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Faye in Kingston Ont.
A boy ,a man and a mule
An old man, a boy and a mule were going to town.
The boy rode on the mule and the old man walked.
As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.
The old man and the boy thought that maybe the critics were right, so they changed places.
Later, they passed some more people that remarked, "What a shame he makes that little boy walk."
They then decided they both would walk. Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent mule to ride.
So, they both rode the mule.
Now they passed some more people that shamed them by saying how awful to see such a load on a poor mule.
The boy and the man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the mule.
As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
|
posted 10-16-2003 06:18 PM
DARWIN AWARDS
Hard to believe, but another year has passed. For
those who don't know it, and we have once again
found the Darwin Award Winning Nominees. The
Darwin's are awarded every year to the persons
who died (or almost died) in the stupidest way.
This year's nominees are:
Nominee No. 1:
[San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man,
using a shotgun like a club to break a former
girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot
himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing
a hole in his gut.
Nominee No. 2:
[Kalamazoo Gazette]: James Burns, 34, (a
mechanic) of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as
he was trying to repair what police describe as a
"farm type truck." Burns got a friend to drive
the truck on a highway while Burns hung
underneath so that he could ascertain the source
of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on
something, however, and the other man found Burns
"wrapped in the drive shaft."
Nominee No. 3:
[Hickory Daily Record]: Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot
himself to death in December in Newton, NC, awakening to the sound
of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the
phone but grabbed instead a Smith &Wesson 38
Special, which discharged when he drew it to his
ear.
Nominee No. 4:
[UPI, Toronto]: Police said a lawyer
demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown
Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with
his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death.
A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into
the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower
early Friday evening as he was explaining the
strength of the building's windows to visiting
law students. Hoy previously has conducted
demonstrations of window strength according to
police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of
the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun
newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and
brightest" members of the 200-man association.
Nominee No. 5:
[Bloomberg News Service]: A terrible diet and
room with no ventilation are being blamed for the
death of a man who was killed by his own gas.
There was no mark on his body and an autopsy
showed large amounts of methane gas in his
system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans
and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It
was just the right combination of foods. It
appears that the man died in his sleep from
breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging
over his bed. Had he been outside or had his
windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal.
But the man was shut up in his near airtight
bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big
man with a huge capacity for creating "this
deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick and
one was hospitalized.
Nominee No. 6:
[The News of the Weird]: Michael Anderson Godwin
made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent
several years awaiting South Carolina's electric
chair on a murder conviction before having his
sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting
on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix
his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was
electrocuted.
Nominee No. 7:
[The Indianapolis Star]: A cigarette lighter may
have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk,
Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette
lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader
was killed Monday night when the weapon
discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators
said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his
parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 PM.
Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a
54-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing
properly. He was using the lighter to look into
the barrel when the gun powder ignited.
Nominee No. 8:
[Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]: A man cleaning a
bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium
apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell
23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was
standing on a wheeled chair when the accident
occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel
Regional Police. "It appears the chair moved and
he went over the balcony," Honer said.
Finally, Nominee No. 9, The Winner:
[Arkansas Democrat Gazette]: Two local men were
injured when their pickup truck left the road and
struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway
38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey
Snyder reported the accident shortly after
midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc
and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock were
returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip.
On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck headlights
malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the
older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not
available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber
bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the
fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon
inserting the bullet the headlights again began
to operate properly and the two men proceeded on
eastbound toward the White River Bridge. After
traveling approximately twenty miles and just
before crossing the river, the bullet apparently
overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the
right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply
right, exiting the pavement and striking a tree.
Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from
the accident, but will require surgery to repair
the testicle. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle
and was treated and released. "Thank God we
weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his
balls off or we might both be dead" stated
Wallis. "I've been a trooper for ten years in
this part of the world, but this is a first for
me. I can't believe that those two would admit
how this accident happened," said Snyder. Upon
being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (Poole's
wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught
and did anyone get them from the truck?
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 10-17-2003 10:44 AM
Rated G B.B.
HERE'S THE FUTURE,,,
Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza House . May I have your..."
Customer: "Haloo, can I order.."
Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card numberfirst, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh..., hold on......6102049998-45-54610"
Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 4094 2366, your office 7645 2302 and your mobile is 014 266 2566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?
Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?"
Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"
Customer: "How come?"
Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokier Mea Pizza.You'll like it"
Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokier Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"
Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family sized ones then, how much will that cost?
Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $ 49.99
Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"
Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir.Your credit card is over the limit and you're owing your bank $3720.55 since October last year"
Operator : "That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan Sir.
Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw Some cash before your guy arrives"
Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records,you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"
Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"
Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle..."
Customer: " What !"
Operator : "According to the details in system, you own a Scooter,...registration number E1123..."
Customer: " *'!^ *%^**%^I7*"
Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 You were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman...
Customer: [Speechless]
Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"
Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"
Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic....... "
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classicTM
6.3.1.2
The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion
and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.
|
Home
Topic Closed
Printer-friendly view of this topic