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Author
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Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-20-2003 12:16 PM
Rated PG ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Interesting historical information you need to know about shipping Manure:
In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship.
It was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it notonly became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again,of which a by-product is methane gas.
As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles, you can see what could (and did) happen.Methane began tobuild up below decks and the first time someone came at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.After that,the bundles of manure were always stampedwith the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant-for the sailors-to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold
would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T," which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I. I always thought it was a golf term. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-20-2003 12:29 PM
Rated PG
Hidden Meanings in Commercial Slogans
"A diamond is forever." "Which is *exactly* how long you'll be
hearing about it from the wife if you don't cough up the green for some ice, pal."
"Built Ford tough"
"It's an American version of tough; not *really* tough, like
German cars are tough."
"I can't believe it's not butter!"
"Being around Fabio, for even a few seconds, makes you dumb as a
post."
"Pork; the other white meat"
"When Heston starts screaming that it's people, don't say we
didn't warn you."
"An Army of one"
"Can't be gay all by yourself, can ya?"
"A diamond says you'd marry her all over again"
"You're too classy for a $50 hooker every week."
"Have it your way"
"Think of us as your personal hamburger whore."
"Just Do It"
"We know you'll never get off the couch lard-ass; just buy the
friggin' shoes."
"The new way to office"
"The half-assed way to slogan."
"It's so chunky, you'll be tempted to eat it with a fork."
"Those damn slicing machines are still dumping way too many body
parts in our soups!"
"Must-see TV"
"Yeah, what else are you gonna do, Shakespeare? Read?!"
"Calgon, take me away!"
"I've got my Mr. Showerhead poised for action."
"Like a rock"
"God knows we weren't selling many pickups with that Boy George
tune."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-20-2003 12:59 PM
Rated G WHAT CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
I've learned that my daddy can say a lot of words I can't.
- Jeff, age 8.
I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, my
Mom makes me clean it up. - Cassandra, age 13.
I've learned that you can be in love with four girls at the same
time. - Brad, age 9.
I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Steven, age 7.
I've learned that if you laugh and drink soda pop at the same
time, it will come out your nose. - Freddy, age 7.
I've learned that when daddy kisses me in the mornings he smells
like a piece of Jolly Rancher candy. - Sandra, age 4.
I've learned that when I grow up, I'm going to be an artist. It's in my blood. - Wilson, age 8.
I've learned that you can't judge boys by the way they look. -
Maria, age 12.
I've learned that you should never jump out of your bedroom window using a sheet for a parachute. - Jimmy, age 10.
I've learned that parents can be very hard to live with. - Jeremy,age 12.
I've learned that sometimes the tooth fairy doesn't always come.
Sometimes he's broke. - Sheila, age 5.
I've learned that if you talk too long on the phone with a girl,
your parents suspect something is going on. - George, age 11.
I've learned that girls sweat just as much as boys. - Mike age 9.
I've learned that when wearing suspenders with one strap down, you need to be careful going to the bathroom. - Fred, age 10.
I've learned that it always makes me feel good to see my parents
holding hands. - Jacqueline, age 9.
I've learned that you shouldn't confuse a brown crayon with a
Tootsie Roll. - Marion, first grade.
I've learned that I would like to be a horse and live on a ranch,if only cowboys didn't wear spurs. - Wanda, age 8.
I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we
sing "Silent Night". - Katy, age 7
I've learned that sometimes I don't like to play ball with daddy
because he gets mad when I drop the ball. - Jack, age 8.
I've learned that milk helps keep your bones from bending over. -
Heather, age 7.
I've learned that the teacher always calls on me the times I don't know the answer. - Watson, age 9.
I've learned I have to figure out how to hold animals without
killing them. - Louie, age 7.
I've learned that when you have three of your wild friends in the car the driver freaks. - Brock, age 9.
I've learned that gold fish don't like jello. - Jeff, age 5.
I've learned that the older I get the less attention I get. -
Belinda, age 6.
I've learned that sometimes my mother laughs so hard that she
snorts ... But that's ok. - Billy, age 7.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-20-2003 01:01 PM
Rated G
A Few Tax Facts
The tax law has grown from 11,400 words in 1913, to 7 million
words today.
There are at least 480 different tax forms, each with many pages
of instructions.
Even the easiest form, the 1040E has 33 pages in instructions, and all in fine print.
The IRS sends out 8 billion pages of forms and instructions each
year. Laid end to end, they would stretch 28 times around the
earth.
Nearly 300,000 trees are cut down yearly to produce the paper for all the IRS forms and instructions.
American taxpayers spend $200 billion and 5.4 billion hours
working to comply with federal taxes each year, more than it takes to produce every car, truck, and van in the United States.
The IRS employs 114,000 people; that's twice as many as the CIA
and five times more than the FBI.
60% of taxpayers must hire a professional to get through their own return.
Taxes eat up 38.2% of the average family's income; that's more
than for food, clothing and shelter combined.
Scary, isn't it?
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-21-2003 06:42 AM
Rated G ANOMALOUS ENGLISH
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.
Some other reasons to be grateful if you grew up speaking English:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.
Screwy pronunciations can mess up your mind! For example ...If you have a rough cough, climbing can be tough when going through the bough on a tree!
Let's face it --- English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.
We take English for granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wiseguy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
A house can be raised, and then razed.
If Dad is Pop, how's come Mom isn't Mop?
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-21-2003 07:04 AM
Rated G Basic Philosophy 101
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Get the last word in: Apologize.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession! I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-21-2003 09:24 AM
Rated PG
Misinterpreted Wisdom
* Every village has a village idiot, except in Washington D.C.
where idiot is plural.
* The world isn't crazy, only 90% of it. The other 10% is
certifiably insane.
* The pen stings worse than the sword, especially when you get ink in your eye.
* Politics is not an exact science, it's more like a sex ed class.
* Don't let the beaten dog see the stick, blind him with pepper
spray first.
* Every new song can be sung to an old tune, although it could
lead to major copyright lawsuits.
* No amount of political freedom will ever satisfy the hungry
masses. Only McDonald's can do that.
* And ye shall know the truth, and the truth will set ye free, notincluding the 8% sales tax, that is.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-21-2003 09:47 AM
Rated R ![[Embarrassed]](redface.gif) Michele
There was this Indian chief named Chief Bowels. The neighboring
town wanted to build a golf course on his land, and this made the chief very angry, so he sends a messenger to the council office, which was in the same building as the doctor's office.
The messenger goes in the wrong door, goes to the doctor and says,"Bowels not move." So the doctor gives him a pill. The messengertakes the pill back to the chief.
The next day the messenger is back and says, "Bowels still not
move." So the doctor gives him a stronger pill.
The next day, same thing, the messenger comes back,"Bowels STILL not move." So the doctor gives him the strongest pills he has.
The next day, the messenger comes back and says, "Bowels HAD to
move. Tepee full of shit."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-21-2003 11:36 AM
Rated G Nan in Warwick
Life
GEORGE CARLIN POST 9-11 (His wife recently died)
isn't it amazing that George Carlin - gross and mouthy
comedian of the 70's and 80's - could write something
so very eloquent... and so very appropriate post 9-11?
A Message by George Carlin
The paradox of our time in history is that we have
taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways,
but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have
less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger
houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but
less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more
knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more
problems, more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too
recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too
angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too
little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We
have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our
values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life.
We've added years to life not life to years. We've
been all the way to the moon and back, but have
trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.
We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done
larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.
We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write
more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish
less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We
build more computers to hold more information, to produce
more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion,
big men and small character, steep profits and
shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but
more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These
are days of quick trips, disposable diapers,
throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and
pills that do everything from
cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is
much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom.
It is time when technology can bring this
letter to you, and a time when you can choose either
to share this insight, or to just hit delete.
Remember, spend some time with your loved ones,
because they are not going to be around forever.
Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to
you in awe, because that little person soon will grow
up and leave your side.
Remember, to give a warm hug
to the one next to you, because that is the only
treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.
Remember to say, "I love you" to your partner and
your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an
embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.
Remember to hold hands and cherish the
moment for someday that person will not be there gain.
Give time to love, give time to speak, and
give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we
take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out the non-essential numbers. This includes age,
weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them.
That is why you pay him/her.
2. Keep only cheerful friends.. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer,
crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle.
"An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the
devil's name is Alzheimer's."
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp
for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The
only person who is with us our entire life is
ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's
family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies,
whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you
can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall,
to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to
where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at very opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the
number of breaths we take, but by the moments that
take our breath away. If you don't send this to at
least 8 people.... who cares?
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-22-2003 04:07 AM
Rated G Michael in RI
THE POSITIVE SIDE OF LIFE"
Living on Earth is expensive,
but it does include a free trip
around the sun every year.
How long a minute is
depends on what side of the
bathroom door you're on.
Birthdays are good for you;
the more you have,
the longer you live.
Happiness comes through doors you
didn't even know you left open.
Ever notice that the people who are late
are often much jollier
than the people who have to wait for them?
Most of us go to our grave
with our music still inside of us.
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day,
how come nothing is free yet?
You may be only one person in the world,
but you may also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun
to only make once.
Don't cry because it's over;
smile because it happened.
We could learn a lot from crayons:
some are sharp, some are pretty,
some are dull, some have weird names,
and all are different colors....but
they all exist very nicely in the same box.
A truly happy person is one who
can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Have an awesome day, and
know that someone
who thinks you're great
has thought about you today!..
"And that person was me.".....
Please don't keep this message
to yourself....send it to those
who mean so much to you.... "NOW"..
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-22-2003 04:21 AM
Rated G Diane in Reno
Brain Exercises
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of
the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we
keep mentally alert. The saying "If you don't use it,
you will lose it" also applies to the brain,
so....below is a very private way to gauge your loss
or non-loss of intelligence. So take the following
test and determine if you are losing it or are still
"with it." OK, relax, clear your mind and...begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
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The answer is bread. If you said "toast, then give up
now and go to something else. Try not to hurt
yourself. If you said, "Bread," go to question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do
cows drink?
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Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please
do not attempt the next question. Your brain is
obviously over-stressed and may even overheat. It may
be that you need to content yourself with reading
something more appropriate such as "Children's World."
If you said "water, then proceed to question 3.
#3 If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue
house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is
made from pink bricks and a black house is made from
black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?
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Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said
"green bricks", what the devil are you still doing
here reading these questions????? If you said "glass"
then go on to question 4.
4. Twenty years ago, a plane was flying at 20,000
feet over Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the
time was politically divided into West Germany and
East Germany. Anyway, during the flight two of the
engines failed. The pilot, realizing that the last
remaining engine was also failing, decided on a crash
landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine failed
before he had time and the plane crashed smack in the
middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and
West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors -
East Germany, West Germany or in "no man's land'?
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Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you
said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must
NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your
efforts would not be appreciated. If you said "Don't
bury the survivors" then proceed to question 5.
5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a degree
every minute, then how many degrees will the hour hand
move in one hour?
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Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or
anything other than "one degree", you are to be
congratulated on getting this far, but you are
obviously out of your league. Turn in your pencil and
exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final
question.
6. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus
from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17
people get on the bus. In Reading, 6 people get off
the bus and 9 people get on. In Swindon, 2 people get
off and 4 get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and
16 people get on. In Swansea, 3 people get off and 5
people get on. In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3
get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was
the name of the bus driver?
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Answer: Oh for God's sake! It was you. Read the
first line.
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