|
|
 
|
|
Author
|
Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 01-05-2004 11:54 AM
Rated PG ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Michele
Have you ever had to make excuses for being late for work? Don't
you just hate having to run to catch an early morning flight? Do
you miss all those middle-of-the-night asteroid showers -- or do
you just like to be up at the crack of dawn to watch the sunrise?
Well, sleep late no more! Because NOW, for a limited time,you can get the bedside clock that is GUARANTEED to have you vertical and running at top speed the INSTANT it sounds its alarm!You won't even feel like using a 10-minute snooze feature -- which is why we haven't built one into this clock!Why not,you ask? The name says it all.
The revolutionary new Hurka Gurka Clock will ensure that you never again miss an important appointment.What's more,you'll be wide awake from the second your feet hit the floor, ready to take on your day!
Here's how it works...
The Hurka Gurka Clock simulates those gut-wrenching pre-vomit
sounds coming from deep within your pet's stomach. The alarm
sounds softly at first, easing you out of your early morning REM
sleep. Then the sounds become louder and more pronounced, until
you are brought completely to your senses by an unmistakable BLAP
sound effect that can only mean one thing --touchdown!
Tests have shown that no one can turn over and go back to sleep
while thinking of stomach acids working their way into the carpet.You're wide awake in an instant -- guaranteed!
And if you order in the next five minutes, we'll include a Free 20 oz.container of Nature's Miracle, for those times when your pet --not the Hurka Gurka Clock -- is the one who wakes you up.
So come on! Stop missing all those beautiful sunrises! Don't risk
being mistaken for a terrorist by running through airports to
catch your flight!
Call now! Operators are standing by. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 01-06-2004 08:09 AM
Rated PG Michele
Once upon a time, there was a sweet, cute, darling little girl
named Little Red Riding Hood who was going to her grandma's house at the other end of the forest. Along the way, she meets a Big Bad Wolf who asks in a polite voice, "Little girl, where are you going on this nice fine day?"
"Well, actually, my ma told me not to talk to strangers," Little
Red Riding Hood says. "But since you are such a nice wolf, I'll
tell you. I'm going to my grandma's house at the other end of the forest."
"It's so sad, but I'm not going by that way; see you some other
time!!!" And with that, the sneaky, no good, Big Bad Wolf dances
away to grandma's house at the other end of the forest, chuckling to himself, "Hee hee, kids nowadays, little do they know..."
So Little Red Riding Hood slowly proceeds, arriving at her
grandma's house late in the afternoon.The door is ajar, and a
strange deathly silence permeated the air."Oh grandma,I'm here
to visit you!!!"
"Ooooh dearie, I'm inside, sick in bed," a gruff voice replies.
Little Red Riding Hood enters the house,only to see a huge
*thing* lying on the bed.
"Oooh grandma, what BIG ears you have."
"Better to hear you with dear... (hee, hee)"
"Oh grandma, what BIG eyes you have."
"Better to see you with dear... (hee, hee)"
"Oooh grandma, what BIG teeth you have."
"(hee, hee) Better to EAT YOU with..." And the Big Bad Wolf leaps
hungrily out of bed, ready to pounce on poor, cute, defenseless,
and darling Little Red Riding Hood... Only to see her rip out
a .44 Magnum from under her basket and unload four rounds, point-
blank,into his belly.
"Arrrghh," the Big Bad Wolf cries in pain."Kids nowadays.I
shudaff known."
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 01-06-2004 08:31 AM
Rated G
Life Looked Better in Black & White!
(Under age 40? You may not understand.)
You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
"Good Night, David. Good Night, Chet."
Depending on the channel you tuned,
You got Andy and Opie - or Ward and June.
It felt so good. It felt so right.
Life looked better in black and white.
I Love Lucy, The Real McCoy's,
Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys,
Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train,
Superman, Jimmy and Lois Lane.
Father Knows Best, Patty Duke,
Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too,
Donna Reed on Thursday night! --
Life looked better in black and white.
I wanna go back to black and white.
Everything always turned out right.
Simple people, simple lives...
Good guys always won the fights.
Now nothing is the way it seems,
In living color on the TV screen.
Too many murders, too many fights,
I wanna go back to black and white.
In God they trusted, alone in bed, they slept,
A promise made was a promise kept.
They never cussed or broke their vows.
They'd never make the network now.
But if I could, I'd rather be
In a TV town in '53.
It felt so good. It felt so right.
Life looked better in black and white.
I'd trade all the channels on the satellite,
If I could just turn back the clock tonight
To when everybody knew wrong from right.
Life was better in black and white!
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 01-07-2004 06:37 AM
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
An Outsider in a small Texas town around Christmas time, saw a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. But one small feature was all wrong: the three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, he left.
At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town,he asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.
She exploded into a rage, yelling,"You darn Yankees never read your Bibles!
The Outsider assured her that he did,but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and riffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.
Sticking it in the guys face she said,"See,it says right here,
'The three wise men came from afar.'
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 01-07-2004 07:09 AM
Rated G Dennis in Yonkers
REVEREND JESSE JACKSON WALKED INTO THE APPLIANCE SECTION OF A SEARS STORE,LOOKED AROUND,THEN SHOUTED,"I WANT TO SEE THE MANAGER RIGHT NOW!"
THE MANAGER OF THE DEPARTMENT CAME OUT AND
SAID, "HOW CAN I HELP YOU, REVEREND?"
JESS REPLIED,
"I WANT TO KNOW WHY ALLLLLL OF YOUR WASHING MACHINES
ARE WHITE?"
THE MANAGER IMMEDIATELY FLIPPED OPEN ALL THE LIDS OF THE WASHING MACHINES AND SAID,BUT "REVEREND JACKSON,.....
"YES" SAID THE REVEREND
ALL OF THE WASHING MACHINES ARE WHITE,THAT'S TRUE..........BUT IF YOU LOOK INSIDE,YOU'LL FIND THAT ALL OF THE AGITATORS ARE BLACK !!"
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classicTM
6.3.1.2
The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion
and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.
|
Home
Topic Closed
Printer-friendly view of this topic