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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-08-2004 12:57 PM                        Rated g Michele I moved from Southern California up to a rural area of the Pacific Northwest recently. While the scenery up here is beautiful, the women-folk do leave a little to be desired in the areas of vanity and appeal. I won't be the one to say they're NOT attractive, but they held a beauty-pageant here last summer... and nobody won.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-08-2004 01:00 PM                        Rated G B.B. A Wish For 2004 May your wishes be granted May your dreams come true May your friendships grow stronger May your thoughts turn into reality May the sun shine on everyone you love May there still be hope for peace on earth May your enmities turn into friendships May your every flight lead to happy landing May every journey take you to your destination May 2004 be full of joy, happiness and success for you  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-08-2004 01:02 PM                        Rated G Janine I do not say that I was ever what I would call "plain", but I have the sort of face that bores me when I see it on other people.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-08-2004 01:06 PM                        Rated G Michele I fiercely tore open its prison walls. I was surprised when it slid out into my hand,but I quickly adapted to the feel of it in my hand. I held it gently,careful that it didn't melt under my touch before I could really enjoy it. I held it to my nose and inhaled deeply,permanently storing its unique scent in my memory. I gently ran my tongue across the ever-so-subtle ridge before taking it deeply into my mouth.I took it in my mouth as far as it would go,it took all of my strength to resist the urge to swallow it whole.My tongue worked on its sweet shell until I could finally start to taste its slightly salty filling. The quickness took me by surprise,oh how I moaned in approval, even though I hoped it would have lasted longer.I held the last few morsels on my tongue,I had to savor the taste before swallowing it all. I smiled, already looking forward to the next time and the time after that. Ah, such sweet ecstasy...I had discovered that - Reese's Peanut Butter Cups are sold in packages of three.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-08-2004 04:27 PM                        Rated PG Marriage Proposal Bad Marriage Proposal Joseph came home weeping bitterly. He had gone to propose to his girl and his father eagerly awaited her response. "So what happened, Larry?" the old man asked. "Did she accept?" "Oh, Dad, she sure didn't. When I told her what you advised me to do, she slapped my face and sent me home." "Did you start out by saying what I told you to, what I told your mother when she accepted my proposal? 'Dear, time stands still when I look in your eyes.' Did you say that?" "No, Dad, I got it all wrong. I said, 'My dear, your face would stop a clock!'"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-08-2004 04:38 PM                        Rated G Fart Chart Farting People The Vain Person One who loves the smell of his own farts. The Amiable Person One who loves the smell of other people's farts. The Proud Person One who thinks his farts are exceptionable fine. The Shy Person One who releases silent farts then blushes. The Imprudent Person One who boldly farts out loud, and then laughs. The Unfortunate Person One who tries hard to fart, but shits instead. The Scientific Person One who farts frequently, but is truly concerned for the environment. The Nervous Person One who stops in the middle of a fart. The Honest Person One who admitted he farted, but offers a good medical reason. The Dishonest Person One who farts but blames the dog. The Foolish Person One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours. The Thrifty Person One who always has several farts in reserve. The Anti-Social Person One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy. The Strategic Person One who conceals his farts with loud coughing. The Sadistic Person One who farts in bed and then fluffs the covers over his bedmate. The Intelligent Person One who can determine from the smell of his neighbor's fart, precisely the latest food items consumed.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-08-2004 09:24 PM                        Rated PG Janet in Greenville EXPENSE STATEMENT[/b] 10/4 Ad for female stenographer 1.00 10/4 Violets for new stenographer 1.50 10/6 Week's salary for flow stenographer 45.00 10/9 Roses for stenographer 5.00 10/10 Candy for wife .90 10/13 Lunch for stenographer 7.00 10/15 Week's salary for stenographer 60.00 10/16 Movie tickets for wife and self 1.20 10/18 Theatre tickets for steno and self 16.00 10/19 Ice cream sundae for wife .30 10/22 Natalie's salary 75.00 10/23 Champagne and dinner for Natalie and self 32.50 10/25 Doctor for stupid stenographer 375.00 10/26 Mink stole for wife 14,700.00  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2004 08:27 AM                        Rated PG Dave Dave Letterman's Top Ten Messages on Britney Spears' Answering Machine. 10. "This is the printing company.Your wedding announcements are ready" 9. "Hey, it's Christina Aguilera, did you get married or did I?" 8. "It's the printing company.Your annulment announcements are ready" 7. "Rush Limbaugh here. I'd love to try whatever you were taking the other night." 6. "So other than the embarrassing marriage and annulment,how was Vegas?" 5. "Hey,it's Paris.You don't need to get married to get attention.Just have sex on the internet." 4. "This is Kenny from high school.I have a couple of hours free on Thursday if you want to get married and divorced." 3. "Honey, it's Liza. Next time, instead of an annulment, hit him with a bottle." 2. "It's Jessica Simpson. Thanks for making me look like a genius." 1. "Pete Rose here. I bet 10,000 dollars on your marriage lasting a week"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2004 08:40 AM                        Rated G Michele While working as a volunteer at our local Boy Scout Council office, one of the professional staff -- who was wearing street clothes instead of her usual uniform -- was talking about the NATO phonetic alphabet. She said that she had learned it some years ago and proceeded to recite it. "Alpha, Bravo, Charlie, Delta..." But, when she got to the letter "U," she stumbled and asked for help. I offered a hint: "What AREN'T you wearing today?" "Underwear?" she replied.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2004 08:45 AM                        Rated PG Michele "We pray for MacArthur's erection." -- sign erected by Japanese citizens in Tokyo, when MacArthur was considering a run for President  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2004 08:52 AM                        Rated G Michele "Wow, you have a nice wife, I'll bet you have to think twice before you leave her alone at night." one man said to the other. "I'll say." replied the second, "First, I have to think up a reason for going out. Second, I have to think up why she can't go with me."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2004 09:03 AM                        Rated G Michele A judge in Maine has ruled that women,but not men, can jog naked in public,for you men who are making their mid-summer vacation plans. Turns out the law in Maine says an offence of appearing nude is committed only if the genitals are knowingly exposed in public. The judge says that women's genitals are primarily internal and therefore cannot be exposed. How did this come up at the trial of two women arrested for running nude? They won their case by asking just ONE question of the arresting police officer. He was asked whether he saw their genitals during the incident. "Not that I recall," he replied. Case closed.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2004 09:22 AM                        Rated G Thank you for calling Adventures in Telephoning Unlimited. If you wish to leave a message for Bill, please press 1. If you wish to leave a message for Tony, please press 2. If it's Marty you're calling, please press 3. "If none of these names make any sense to you, you've probably called the wrong number. In that case, please press 4 and leave a message for Nick, he's feeling ignored."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2004 09:24 AM                        Rated G Michele SO THE BLIND DATE WENT BADLY? Clasp his/her hand tenderly as you part and say: "THIS IS THE BEST TIME I'VE HAD SINCE..." (choose one of the following) a.) "the night my car broke down near the dairy farm, and I pissed on the electric fence." b.) "my last mammogram, when the machine jammed..." c.) "my date's vasectomy leaked on my new suede skirt..." d.) "the IRS audit denied Grandma as a dependent, just because she runs a little 'massage parlor' in the basement." e.) "my ex-husband stopped by to introduce me to his boy friend..." f.) "my girl friend dumped me, and I spent the weekend watching the roaches drive off the kitchen rats..." g.) "that ski weekend I bunked with 2 really cute babes... engaged to each other." h.) "the night before my budget presentation, when Rover crapped on my laptop PC..." i.) "my date got sick, and had me take out her cousin Brunhilda. Did you ever see a women wrestler crack walnuts in her armpit?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2004 09:27 AM                        Rated G Michele "And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two. "No, thank you," the gentleman replied. "That will be all." As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife?" he asked. "Yeah! That's a good idea," the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard!"  |  IP: Logged

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