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Author
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Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-10-2004 02:19 PM
Rated PG ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
A message from the rural Midwest: Because of misunderstandings
that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross
states such as Illinois, Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin, Nebraska,
Kansas, Iowa, Michigan, Missouri, Minnesota, North Dakota, and
South Dakota, those states' Tourism Councils have adopted a set
of information guidelines. In an effort to help outsiders
understand the Midwest, the following list will be handed to each driver entering the state:
1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work
before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a 'gravel road' No matter how slow you drive,
you're going to get dust on your car.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years
old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped... by our women.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little trout you fish for...bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making
their final approach, we will shoot it! You might hope you don't
have it up to your ear at the time.
8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth
for what you paid in the airport for one drink.
9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak.
Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off
the two pounds of ham and turkey.
10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and
served over ice.
11. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on
weekends. We're real impressed. We have a quarter of a million
dollar combine that we use two weeks a year.
12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We
stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks--because they want
to . So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
14. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too--and turtle. You really want
sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it.
Don't like it? Interstates 70, 80, & 90 go two ways--Interstates
29, 35, & 69 go the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.
16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a
religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being
friendly. Understand the concept?
18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Just don't hit in the water
hazard. It spooks our fish.
19. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for
driving like an idiot...his name is "Sir"...no matter how old he
is.
Now, enjoy your visit! ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-10-2004 03:21 PM
Rated G
Ineffective Daily Affirmations
As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my
Inner Sociopath.
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels
of suspicion and paranoia.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless,of course,I want to stay employed.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control
over others.
My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no
personality at all.
Joan of Arc heard voices too.
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious,self-righteous people around me.
I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and
complain.
As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they
reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit.
But not nearly as gratifying.
The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and
disgusting parts.
I am at one with my duality.
Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.
Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state
and local laws.
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are
no sweeter words than "I told you so."
False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the
problem.
Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.
Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it
worrying about the future?
The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the
conspiracy is working.
I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as
sabotage.
Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming my parents.
To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look
like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to
learn from them.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-11-2004 01:11 PM
Rated G Michele
Being sick is no fun, but checking out sneeze styles can be a hoot if you remember to stand upwind of the spray.
After studying the ways people sneeze, Atlanta-based behavior
expert Patti Wood and Steven Lamm,clinical assistant professor of medicine at New York University,drew a conclusion: Sneezers come in four main personality types.
Which sneeze is best? "The healthiest way to sneeze," Lamm
says,"is in one of the more 'contained' styles,such as the turn-away sneeze."
Wood explains why: "A sneeze expels air from the nose at 100 miles per hour,sprays 100,000 bacteria and travels as far as any wind current."
Which sneezer are you?
1) The Sensitive Sneezer.
One small sneeze and it's over.You're polite,always turning your head away.You're the warm,friendly type who enjoys a relaxed pace.Relationships with others are your top priority. You avoid conflict even if it means making personal sacrifices.
2) The "Be Right" Sneezer.
When the big achoo comes, you cover your mouth. You are careful,
accurate and a deep thinker. Before speaking, you consider the
right words. Detailed and precise, you catch mistakes others miss.You have great insights and opinions, if others would just listen.
3) The Get-It-Done Sneezer.
When possible, you hold in your sneeze. But when a sneeze finally
escapes, it's a 4.0 on the Richter scale. You are fast, efficient,uncomplicated and self-sufficient.
4) The Enthusiastic Sneezer.
When you sneeze, it's in multiples and blow-the-house-down loud.
You are a charismatic leader and influencer who is imaginative and intuitive. You seek and cherish relationships with others.
--USA Weekend, Jan. 23-25, 2004
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-11-2004 03:18 PM
Rated G JerseyT
If...
If a barber makes a mistake, it is a new style.
If a driver makes a mistake, it is an accident.
If a doctor makes a mistake, it is an operation.
If a parent makes a mistake, it is a new generation.
If a politician makes a mistake, it is a new law.
If a scientist makes a mistake, it is a new invention.
If a tailor makes a mistake, it is a new fashion.
If a teacher makes a mistake, it is a new theory.
If your boss makes a mistake, it is your mistake.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-11-2004 03:27 PM
Rated G
WHAT IS LOVE?
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4-8 year olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were
broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you
think:
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and
paint her toenails anymore so my grandfather does it for her all
the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca - age 8.
"When someone loves you,the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving
cologne and they go out and smell each other." Karl - age 5
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your
French fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy -age 6
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a
sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is okay."
Danny - age 7
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of
kissing,you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that.They look gross when they kiss."
Emily - age 8
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop
opening presents and listen." Bobby - age 7
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a
friend who you hate." Nikka - age 6
"There are two kinds of love, Our love. God's love. But God makes both kinds of them." Jenny - age 8
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every day." Noelle - age 7
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are
still friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy -
age 6
"During my piano recital I was on a stage and I was scared. I
looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and
smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." Cindy - age 8
"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else
kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - age 6
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine - age 5
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Brad Pitt." Chris - age 7
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 5
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." Karen - age 7
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-13-2004 08:05 AM
Rated G
THINGS I LEARNED FROM MOVIES
At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communications system of any invading alien society.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your
bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world
expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their
arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley
systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French
bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off -- even while scuba
diving.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you
make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart
back home.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating,
but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible,someone will be thrown
through it before long.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any
strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always
say: Enter Password Now.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road,it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet
will know all the steps.
Police departments give their officers personality tests to make
sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total
opposite.
When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.
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