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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2004 08:28 PM                        Rated G GREAT TRUTHS GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 2) Wrinkles don't hurt. 3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD 1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there. 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 6) Time may be a great healer, ! but it's a lousy beautician. 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone. THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE: 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus. SUCCESS: At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants. At age 12 success is . . . having friends. At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license. At age 20 success is . . . going all the way. At age 35 success is . . . having money. At age 50 success is . . . having money. At age 60 success is . . . going all the way. At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license. At age 75 success is . . . having friends. At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants. Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way BUT never forget to remember the blessings that come each day.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-30-2004 07:11 AM                        Rated G A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money. By chance,he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt.The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man's hand.Overjoyed,the man got up and left the church. The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed,"And now, Lord, that I have Your undivided attention..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-30-2004 07:19 AM                        Rated G A farmer was out driving late one night when he heard a thump and thought he had hit something. He stopped and got out of his truck and looked around but did not see anything so he drove on home. The next day, the local sheriff comes to visit him. The sheriff says, "Did you know you hit a pig while you were out driving last night? The farmer replies, "Well, I thought I hit something and I stopped but I did not find anything. How do you know it was a pig I hit?" To which the sheriff replied, "The pig squealed."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-30-2004 07:21 AM                        Rated R Hangover signs .... 1. You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets. 2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still." 3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint. 4. You'd rather have a pencil jammed up your nose than be exposed to sunlight. 5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet. 6. You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position. 7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!" 8. All day long your motto is, "Never again." 9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed. 10. Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut the fuck up!!!!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-30-2004 07:25 AM                        Rated G Michele The NYC School Board has officially declared Jewish-English a second language.Backers of the move say the district is the firsti n the nation to recognize Hebronics as the language of many American Jews.Look for other cities to follow suit,notably Miami Beach,Los Angeles,and Scarsdale. In Hebronics:Questions are always answered with questions: Question: "How do you feel?" Hebronics response: "How should I feel?" The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after a pronoun has been used at the beginning: "She dances beautifully, that girl." The sarcastic repetition of words by adding "sh" to the front is used for emphasis:Mountains becomes "shmountains";turtle becomes shmurtle." These common phrases were translated from "Standard English" to Hebronics: English: "He walks slowly" Hebronics: "Like a fly in the Vaseline he walks." English: "Sorry, I don't know the time" Hebronics: "What do I look like, a clock?" English: "I hope things turn out okay" Hebronics: "You should BE so lucky!" English: "I see you're wearing one of the ties I gave you." Hebronics: "What's the matter, the other tie you didn't like? English: "Anything can happen." Hebronics: "Things are never so bad that they can't get worse" English: "May I take your plate sir?" Hebronics: "You've hardly touched your food. What's the matter, something's wrong with it?" English: "It's been so long since you've called." Hebronics: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?" English: "Let's not go skiing" Hebronics: "Mountains, shmountains! Do I look like a sled to you?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-30-2004 07:32 AM                        Rated G Michele Ladies: You're on a bad date when... You order a Double Whopper and he says,"Hey, my name ain't Rockefeller,honey." He's been on Geraldo once and Jerry Springer twice. He seems to know an awful lot about your shower routine. Your dinner reservations are under,"Loser,party of 2". Calls to tell you he'll pick you up,just as soon as the stand off with the police is over.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-30-2004 10:27 AM                        Rated G Michele Thought for the Day: Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body,but rather to skid in broadside,thoroughly used up,totally worn out,and loudly proclaiming -- WOW -- What A Ride!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-30-2004 10:38 AM                        Rated G A company now takes the cremated ashes of your loved one and compresses the carbon into a diamond. This brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "family jewels."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-01-2004 02:36 PM                        Rated PG This is what the people say to make you smile: 1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It. 2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It. 3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path 4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It. 5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam! 6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroid's 7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick. 8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese. 9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses. 10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quattro Sinko. 11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk. 12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite. 13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck. 14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef. 15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him. 16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers. 17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog. 18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka. 19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover? The Location Of The Dirt Bag. 20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat. 21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack. 22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-01-2004 02:39 PM                        Rated G Donna in Phoenix TO REALIZE To realize The value of a sister Ask someone Who doesn't have one. To realize The value of ten years: Ask a newly Divorced couple. To realize The value of four years: Ask a graduate. To realize The value of one year: Ask a student who Has failed a final exam. To realize The value of nine months: Ask a mother who gave birth to a still born. To realize The value of one month: Ask a mother who has Given birth to a premature baby. To realize The value of one week: Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper. To realize The value of one hour: Ask the lovers who are waiting to Meet. To realize The value of one minute: Ask a person Who has missed the train, bus or plane. To realize The value of one-second: Ask a person Who has survived an accident. To realize The value of one millisecond: Ask the person who has Won a silver medal in the Olympics. To realize the value of a friend: Lose one. Time waits For no one. Treasure every moment you have. You will treasure it even more when you can share it with someone special.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-02-2004 09:44 AM                        Rated G Alex My doctor gave me a prescription for a new diabetic drug called Rosiglitazone. Before I took my first new Rosi I checked it out on the web. I was delighted to find that the side effects are said to be a combination of the primary effects of Rogaine and Viagra. I eagerly gulped down my first dose of my new medication last night,went to bed and had interesting dreams all night long. When I woke up this morning ---yup, you guessed it!-- my hair was stiff.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-02-2004 09:47 AM                        Rated G WORST THINGS TO SAY ON A FIRST DATE I used to have a real bad bedwetting problem... but the last couple of weeks I've gotten it under control. I know we just met and this might seem a little sudden... but could I borrow five hundred dollars? Go ahead and Super Size - I found spare change in the sofa today. Something tells me that you're very special... but with medication I can usually ignore it. I don't see my ex-girlfriend that much... thanks to the U.S. Department of Justice." Do you want to play doctor? That'll be two hundred dollars. Wait till my wife hears about this! I had a good time tonight. I'd love to see you again in six to eight months with good behavior.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-02-2004 10:15 AM                        Rated G Alex After my friend and her family returned from San Francisco,her daughter realized she forgot to pack her Bart Simpson doll.So my friend called the hotel.A few days later the doll arrived in the mail.With it was a note: “For a little girl who left her Bart in San Francisco.” (Sheila D. Styles)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-02-2004 11:53 AM                        Rated G Rodeo Pickup Lines "Got 8 seconds?" "Ropes, spurs, leather gloves -- Honey, even if I weren't no cowboy, we're talking a good time!" "Honey, I need a belt buckle this large to keep from gettin' arrested in Mississippi." "Ain't no rodeo clown in the world that could keep me off you, Darlin'." "Here's my number, call me when you need a few bucks." "Run if ya want, Missy, but I'll have you hog-tied quicker than you can say 'stay away from me you Skoal-chewin'freak.'" "How'd you like to put a pinch of me between your cheek and gum?" "Them calves of yours sure look like they could use a bit of ropin'." "I'll be in Intensive Care later. Why don't you drop by?" "You sure make me wish I hadn't crapped my pants when that bull charged." "Is that a pelvis broken in three places, or are you just happy to see me?" "That's right, I said 'AND the horse you rode in on.'"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-05-2004 11:37 AM                        Rated G Things not to say to your girlfriend's parents... My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday? Can you believe it! Those idiots at the corner market won't cash my welfare check! We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion. Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her. Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it? There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too.  |  IP: Logged

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