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Author
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Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-27-2004 06:50 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Wedding Jokes
How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done for free.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to
forget it once.
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with
friends.You order what you want,then when you see what the other fellow has,you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,"Aren't you
wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to
get married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still
paying."
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness
was until I got married; and then it was too late."
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a
fool when I married you."The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same
thing: "You can have mine."
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to
let him keep her. -Sacha Guitry
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. - Jackie Mason
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-27-2004 06:55 AM
Rated G
"TO SPEAK, OR NOT TO SPEAK"
A literature buff, my friend Larry installed an answering machine on his telephone.Instead of the usual instructions about leaving a message,Larry recorded a parody of Hamlet's famous soliloquy:"To speak,or not to speak,that is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to leave a message after the beep, or to take arms against a sea of answering machines, and by opposing,end them. To dial,to speak,no more.Thus answering machines do make cowards of us all."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-28-2004 07:10 AM
Rated G
Extract's From Insurance Claim Forms
1. "I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
2. "I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
3. Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?
4. "On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."
5. "I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."
6. "I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."
7. "First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."
8. "Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."
9. "The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"
10. "I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
11. "I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."
12. "Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
13. "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
14. "I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn't when I put my head through it".
15. "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way".
16. "A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face".
17. "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car".
18. "The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
19. "In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
20. "I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."
21. "I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
22. "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."
23. "My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."
24. "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
25. "I am sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."
26. "The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him."
27. "I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman, as he bounced off the roof of my car."
28. "The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
29. "I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-28-2004 08:24 AM
Rated G
Funny English Signs
Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world. You have to give the writers an 'E' for Effort. We hope you enjoy them.
In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In an ex-Yugoslav hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czech tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.
In a men's toilet in a Kuwait printing press:
Please flash it after you use it.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-28-2004 08:43 AM
Rated G
Tips From An Efficiency Expert
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked a listener from the back of the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. "Honey", I suggested, "Why don't you try carrying several things at once?"
The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"
The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready.
Now I do it in seven."
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