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Author
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Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-05-2004 01:56 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of the state.
After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon.
He noticed a film-like substance on his plate, so he questioned his grandfather, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes.
So he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, " I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't ask me about it anymore!"
Later that afternoon, as he was on his way out to get the paper, the dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass. "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."
Without diverting his attention from the exciting football game his Grandfather was watching, he shouted, "Coldwater, move!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-06-2004 12:15 PM
Rated G
This was written by an 83-year-old woman to her friend ..... The last line says it all
"Dear Bertha,
I'm reading more and dusting less.I'm sitting in the yard and admiring the view without fussing the weeds in the garden.I'm spending more time with my family and friends and less time working.Whenever possible,life should be a pattern of experiences to savor,not to endure.I'm trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them.I'm not "saving" anything;we use our good china and crystal for every special event such as losing a pound,getting the sink unstopped,or the first Amaryllis blossom.I wear my good blazer to the market.My theory is if I look prosperous,I can shell out $28.49 for one small bag of groceries.I'm not saving my good perfume for special parties, but wearing it for clerks in the hardware store and tellers at the bank.
"Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my vocabulary. If it's worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do it now.
I'm not sure what others would've done had they known they wouldn't be here for the tomorrow that we all take for granted. I think they would have called family members and a few close friends.They might have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences for past squabbles.I like to think they would have gone out for a Chinese dinner or for whatever their favourite food was.I'm guessing;I'll never know.
It's those little things left undone that would make me angry if I knew my hours were limited. Angry because I hadn't written certain letters that I intended to write one of these days. Angry and sorry that I didn't tell my husband and parents often enough how much I truly love them.
I'm trying very hard not to put off,hold back,or save anything that would add laughter and luster to our lives.And every morning when I open my eyes,I tell myself that it is special.
Every day,every minute, every breath truly is a gift from God.
Fondly,
Your Friend" ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
I don't believe in Miracles. I rely on them. Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-06-2004 12:35 PM
Rated G Michele
During Autumn of 2000,a team of scientists at the Department of
Forensics at University College London removed a row of passenger seats from a Central Line tube carriage for analysis into cleanliness.Despite London Underground's claim that the interior of their trains are cleaned on a regular basis, the scientists made some alarming discoveries:
This is what was found on the surface of the seats:
* 4 types of hair sample (human, mouse, rat, dog)
* 7 types of insect (mostly fleas, mostly alive)
* vomit originating from at least 9 separate people
* human urine originating from at least 4 separate people
* human excrement
* rodent excrement
* human semen
When the seats were taken apart, they found:
* the remains of 6 mice
* the remains of 2 large rats
* 1 previously unheard of fungus
It is estimated that by holding one of the armrests, you are
transferring to your body the natural oils and sweat from as many as 400 different people. It is estimated that it is generally healthier to smoke five cigarettes a day than to travel for one hour a day on the London Underground. It is far more hygienic to wipe your hand on the inside of a recently flushed toilet bowl before eating, than to wipe your hand on a London Underground seat before eating.It is estimated that within London, more work sick-days are taken because of bugs picked up whilst traveling on the London Underground than for any other reason (including alcohol). ![[puke]](graemlins/puke.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-09-2004 09:21 PM
Rated G Faye in Kingston, Ont.
40 Things You May Not Know.
1. Money isn't made out of paper; it's made out of cotton.
2. The 57 on Heinz ketchup bottle represents the varieties
of pickle the company once had.
3. Your stomach produces a new layer of mucus every two
weeks - otherwise it will digest itself (eeww).
4. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp
paper.
5. The dot over the letter 'i' is called a "tittle".
6. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will
bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass
to the top.
7. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
8. A duck's quack doesn't echo ... no one knows why.
9. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy
Meals.
10. Every person has a unique tongue print (no licking at
the scene of a crime!).
11. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were
misspelled.
12. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor who had red
eyes. He was albino.
13. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong
parents daily.
14. During the chariot scene in 'Ben Hur' a small red car
can be seen in the distance.
15. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and
sister.
16. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a
few ounces will kill a small sized dog.
17. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into
the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to
explode.
18. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww).
19. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he
doesn't wear pants.
20. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
21. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and
'lower' because in the time when all original print had to
be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were
stored in the case on top of the case that stored the
smaller, 'lower case' letters.
22. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw
with the other at the same time ( ... and multi-tasking was
invented).
23. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during
World War II were made of wood.
24. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
25. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan, there
was never a recorded Wendy before!
26. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with:
orange, purple, and silver!
27. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him
10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
28. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it
instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
29. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original
"Halloween" was a Captain Kirk mask painted white.
30. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four
pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of
money in coins without being able to make change for a
dollar ( ... good to know ... ).
31. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you
can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was
completly useless).
32. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old
English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife
with anything wider than your thumb (sign of a true
civilized society ... not).
33. American Airlines saved $40,000 in '87 by eliminating
one olive from each salad served in first class.
34. The first product Motorola started to develop was a
record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known
player on the market was the Victrola, so they called
themselves Motorola.
35. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to
eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin
with.It's the same with apples!(guess what I'm buying on
my next trip to the grocery store!)
36. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from
crying!
37. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
38. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the
book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
39. Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer
wasn't considered a hundred percent compatible unless it
could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator game.
40. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go
into space because passing wind in a space suit damages them
(families taking long car rides should adopt this same
policy).
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-10-2004 09:30 AM
Rated G Will
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse
advice.
Are your parents siblings?
Calling you an idiot would be an insult to idiots.
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough
oxygen at birth?
Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them
to like you?
Any similarity between you and a human being is purely
coincidental.
Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?
Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
Don't you need a license to be that ugly?
Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!
Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take a few
seconds.
Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?
She's not stupid; she's possessed by a retarded ghost.
Here's a quarter. Call all your friends and bring back the
change please.
How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
I'd like to see things from your point of view but I don't think
I could get my head that far up your ass.
I bet your mother has a loud bark!
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.
I'd like to leave you with one thought... but I'm not sure you
have anywhere to put it!
I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
I'll never forget the first time we met--but I'll keep trying.
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!
If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd
want a brain that had never been used.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.
If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be
murder; it would be genocide!
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