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Author
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Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-24-2003 03:32 PM
Rated PG ![[Smile]](smile.gif) blue_meanie
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,
is it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled a them would
they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
What's another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do:
'practice'?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be
thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all'?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is
eating an endangered plant?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly that loses it wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone
will clean them?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their
headlights off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him,
is he still wrong?
If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
~George Carlin
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Bill Gabel
Film God
Posts: 3873
From: Technicolor / Postworks NY, USA
Registered: Jan 2002
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posted 06-24-2003 06:04 PM
The Missing Plant Rated PG
Mr. Jones is checking out of his hotel when suddenly he has to take a ![[bs]](graemlins/bs.gif) real bad. The toilet in his room isn't working, so he bolts down to use the lobby Men's room, but all of the stalls are occupied, so he runs back up to his room, and in desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant , and take a shit in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in the pot and leaves.
Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says, "Dear Mr. Jones, All is forgiven. Just tell us... where is it?"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-25-2003 06:25 AM
Rated G Becky
Ten Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House:
1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.
2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.
3. Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair... but only if you are working alone.
4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can... many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.
5. If it's electronic, get a new one.
6. Keep it simple: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning it to the "on" switch; or just paint over it.
7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have fixed it.
8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help.
9. If something looks level, it is level.
10. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-25-2003 10:21 AM
Rated G Lorraine
Worst Analogies (taken from High School papers) ~~~~~~~
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that
used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you
banged the door open again. (R. M., Fairfax Station)
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't. (R. B., Springfield)
McBride fell 12 stories,hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag
filled with vegetable soup. (P. S., Silver Spring)
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an
eerie,surreal quality,like when you're on vacation in another
city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
(R. A., Washington)
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
(C. S., Woodbridge)
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the
center. (R. B., Springfield)
Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets
T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake (K. K., Landover Hills)
Her vocabulary was as bad as,like,whatever. (Unknown)
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (J. B., Chevy Chase)
The hailstones leaped from the pavement,just like maggots when
you fry them in hot grease. (G. F. Hevel, Silver Spring)
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man." (R. B., Springfield)
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced
across the grassy field toward each other like two freight
trains,one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55
mph,the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
(J. H., Arlington)
The politician was gone but unnoticed,like the period after the
Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (W. G., Madison, Ala.)
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. (P. K., Syracuse, N.Y.)
John and Mary had never met.They were like two hummingbirds who
had also never met. (R. B., Springfield)
The thunder was ominous-sounding,much like the sound of a thin
sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (B. F., Alexandria)
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances
like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. (C. S.,Woodbridge)
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