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Author
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Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-30-2003 03:15 PM
Rated X ![[Smile]](smile.gif) JJ on the Left Coast
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge inhigh esteem.One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said,"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your student?"
"Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd likeyou to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued "Before you talk to me about my student,it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going tosay.The first filter is Truth.Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said,"actually I just heard about it and ...."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness.Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary ..."
"So," Socrates continued,"you want to tell me something bad about him,butyou're not certain it's true.You may still pass the test though,because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness.Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well,"concluded Socrates,"if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful,why tell it to me at all?"
This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife. ![[sex]](graemlins/sex.gif) ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-30-2003 08:59 PM
Rated G Sue Bee
Once upon a time a young lad was born without a belly button.In
its place was a golden screw.All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing that they could do. Like it or not he was stuck with it.
All the years of growing up was real tough on him,as all who saw the screw made fun of him.He avoided ever leaving his house and
thus never made any friends.
One day a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a
swami in Tibet that could get rid of the screw for him.He was
thrilled.The next day he took all of his life's savings and
bought a ticket to Nepal.After several days of climbing up steep cliffs,he came upon a giant monastery.The swami knew exactly why he had come.He was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke,the screw would have been removed.The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep.
During the night while he slept,a purple fog floated in an open
window bearing in it's mist a golden screwdriver.In just moments,
the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out of the window.The next morning when he woke,he saw the golden screw laying on the pillow next to him.Reaching down,he felt his navel,and there was no screw there!
Jubilant, he leaped out of bed ...... and his butt fell off.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-01-2003 06:12 AM
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
Globalization
You gotta stay with me on this one!!)
Question:
What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question:
How come?
Answer:An English princess
with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian who was drunk
on Scottish whiskey,
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles,
treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines!
And this is sent to you by an Armenian,
using Bill Gates' technology,
and you're probably reading this on one of the IBM clones,
that use Taiwanese-made chips,
and a Korean-made monitor,
assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by lorries driven by Indians,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
trucked by Mexican illegals,
and finally sold to you by Jews.
That, my friend, is Globalization!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-02-2003 04:52 AM
Rated G
The Forum: A Family of Friends
You'll find there's a family
of friends living here,
A small group of minds,
and of hearts;
With some of us clever
and some of us not,
At times you can't
tell us apart.
There's one who is cranky,
and one who is a little shy,
And one who is
really uncouth;
And just when you think
you have discovered who's who,
You'll really uncover
the truth.
The truth that we're all
just a little of each,
A small group of
imperfects are we
And sometimes I might
criticize them to you,
But don't ever
knock them to me.
'Cause the one thing that ties us
together for life-
no matter how far in miles
we're apart,
Is love for each other,
a family of friends
A small group of minds,
and of hearts.
~Unknown~
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-02-2003 09:55 AM
Rated G
You know you drink too much coffee when...
* Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
* You ski uphill.
* You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
* You speed walk in your sleep.
* You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
* You answer the door before people knock.
* You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
* You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
*You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
* You sleep with your eyes open.
* You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
* The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
*You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
* You lick your coffeepot clean.
* You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
* You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
* You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
* Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
* You chew on other people's fingernails.
* The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
* You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
* You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
* You can jump-start your car without cables.
* Cocaine is a downer.
* All your kids are named "Joe."
* You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
* Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
* You don't sweat, you percolate.
* You buy milk by the barrel.
* You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
* You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
* You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
* You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
* You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
* People get dizzy just watching you.
* When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."
* You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
* The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
* Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
* Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
* You're so wired, you pick up FM radio.
* People can test their batteries in your ears.
* Your life's goal IS to "amount to a hill of beans."
* Instant coffee takes too long.
* You channel surf faster without a remote.
* When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
* You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
* Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
* You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
* You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
* You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
* You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
* You get drunk just so you can sober up.
* You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
* Your Thermos is on wheels.
* Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
* You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
* You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
* You short out motion detectors.
* You have a conniption over spilled milk.
* You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
* Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
* You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
* You don't tan, you roast.
* You don't get mad, you get steamed.
* Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before and coffee after.
* Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
* You can't even remember your second cup.
* You help your dog chase its tail.
* You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
* Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
* You introduce your spouse as your "Coffeemate."
* You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
* Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup
* You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-02-2003 10:26 AM
Rated G
Six Great Lessons: The Important Things Life Teaches You
~ 1 ~ Most Important Question
During my second month of nursing school, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?" Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade. "Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say 'Hello'." I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.
~ 2 ~ Pickup in the Rain
One night, at 11:30 PM, an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her - generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab. She seemed to be in a big hurry! She wrote down his address, thanked him and drove away. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached. It read: "Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away. God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Nat King Cole
~ 3 ~ Always Remember Those Who Serve
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?"
"Fifty cents," replied the waitress. The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied a number of coins in it. "How much is a dish of plain ice cream?" he inquired. Some people were now waiting for a table and the waitress was a bit impatient.
"Thirty-five cents," she said brusquely. The little boy again counted the coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and departed. When the waitress came back, she began wiping down the table and then swallowed hard at what she saw. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies -her tip.
~ 4 ~ The Obstacle in Our Path
In ancient times, a king had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the king for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the big stone out of the way.
Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. On approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. As the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the king indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway.
The peasant learned what many others never understand. Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve one's condition.
~ 5 ~ Giving Blood
Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at Stanford Hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare and serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies, needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister.
I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes, I'll do it if it will save Liz."
As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheeks. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away?"
Being young, the boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood.
~ 6 ~ I've Two Choices
Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always in a good mood and always had something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!" He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.
Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"
Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, Jerry, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood." I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life."
"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.
"Yes it is," Jerry said, "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live life." I reflected on what Jerry said. Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.
Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business, he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gun point by three armed robbers. While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body. I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he said, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?" I declined to see his wounds but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place. "The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jerry replied. "Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices - I could choose to live, or I could choose to die. I chose to live."
"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked. Jerry continued, "The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency room and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read, 'He's a dead man. " I knew I needed to take action."
"What did you do?" I asked.
"Well, there was a big, burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Jerry. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes,' I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Bullets!' Over their laughter, I told them, "I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead."
Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-02-2003 10:38 AM
Rated G
Homework : A Guide For Sucess
1.Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
2.Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
3.Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.
4.Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him.
5.When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
6.Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
7.You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it our of the way so you can concentrate.
8.Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
9.Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's if , I mean it, as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.
10.Listen to the other side.
11.Rearrange all of your cds into alphabetical order.
12.Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks abvout your teacher, the course, the university, the world at large.
13.Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
14.Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.
15.Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due inless than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon, is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: a) Pro Bowler's Tour; b)any movie starring Don Ameche; c) Star Trek.
16. If there is nothing good on TV, check and make sure you're not missing anything good on the radio. Once again, if the paper is due in less than 12 hours, anything on the radio from to Aerosmith to Mozart is good except anything: a) country; b)by the Spice Girls.
17.Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.
18.Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.
19.Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
20.Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.
21.Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
22.Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.
23.Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
24.Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it.
25.Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
26.Lie face down on the floor and moan.
27.Leap up and write the paper.
28.Type the paper.
29.Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write the stupid paper.
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