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Author
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Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-26-2003 06:37 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Lainey
Let's face it --English is a crazy language.There is no egg in
eggplant nor ham in hamburger;neither apple nor pine in
pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in
France.Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads,which aren't
sweet,are meat.
We take English for granted.But if we explore its paradoxes,we
find that quicksand can work slowly,boxing rings are square and
a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,grocers
don't grocer and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is
teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese.
So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one
amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single
annal?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one
of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian
eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a
letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a
recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that
run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on
parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise
man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be
opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell
another.
Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when
they are absent?
Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a
sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into
someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And
where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would
ACTUALLY hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which
your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a
form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by
going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects
the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race
at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible,
but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up
this essay, I end it. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-26-2003 10:07 AM
Rated G
Conservatives Bash Santorum for 'Permissive' Views
WASHINGTON (AheadOfNews.com) - Key social conservatives took issue today with remarks made by Sen. Rick Santorum, R-Pa., calling him "permissive" and "a liberal in sheep's clothing."
While discussing a pending Supreme Court case about a Texas sodomy law, Santorum recently criticized the idea that adults should be allowed to have consensual sex at home.
"If the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery. You have the right to anything," Santorum said.
Buck Baxter, a key social conservative from South Carolina, complained that while Santorum had correctly identified consensual sex at home as the "number one threat to the American family," he had proposed no cure.
"He should be building prisons for people indulging in consensual sex and not simply scolding them," agreed Madonna Hooty, a key social conservative from Louisiana. "Couples who couple in unapproved ways should serve at least 20 years in the slammer."
On Your Backs, a coalition of conservatives grimly tolerant of occasional brief, nonconsensual, husband-initiated, minimalist, man-on-top, unprotected sex between married couples for the sole purpose of making a baby, are urging lawmakers to pass laws forbidding all other sexual activity.
"All else is perverse," said coalition spokesman Tom Bleak. "Senator Santorum is much too kind. Most Americans belong in jail."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-26-2003 08:25 PM
Rated G Sue Bee
A One Meets A Twenty
A one-dollar bill met a twenty-dollar bill and said, "Hey, where
have you been? I haven't seen you around here much."
The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went
on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United
States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the
mall,that kind of stuff.
How about you?"
The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff - church,
church, church."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-27-2003 08:11 PM
Rated G
Supercomputer Needed to Track 'Harry Potter' Sales
BEDFORD, TX (AheadOfNews.com) - The creation of a new Cray Supercomputer was necessitated by sales generated this weekend by the release of Harry Potter: The Order of the Phoenix.
“Numbers like this only come around once in a lifetime, so everyone was really excited to be working on this project,” said Cray employee Dewey Digit. “None of the existing computers that publishing firms use for accounting had the processing power to calculate some of these numbers. I swear, I’ve never seen this many zeroes at once in my entire life!”
The book, released Saturday, sold so quickly that 46 accounting computers crashed while trying to calculate the real time sales figures and wholesale profits. Information technology experts have been unsuccessful in their attempts to bring the affected computers, seven of which were emitting smoke, back online.
“The numbers are simply too big. It’s like Y2K all over again!” said one technician, who was alerted to the problem early Saturday morning.
J.K. Rowling, author of The Order of the Phoenix, is expected to hold a press conference this week to announce that she has bought Fiji, most of Lancashire, and several small countries.
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