Topic Closed

my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Miscellaneous - Part Two (Page 45)

This topic comprises 101 pages: 1  2  3  ...  42  43  44  45  46  47  48  ...  99  100  101

Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-14-2003 04:46 PM                        Rated G Lorraine You know you've reached middle age when your weight lifting consists solely of standing up.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-14-2003 05:07 PM                        Rated G "Well, Bill, how are you getting on with trying to date that new cocktail waitress?" "Not so bad. I'm getting some encouragement now." "Really? Is she beginning to smile and bat her eyelashes at you?" "Not exactly, but last night she set my drink in front of me instead of throwing it in my face."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-15-2003 07:16 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Old-fashioned Zachary approached Miranda's father, intent upon asking him for her hand in marriage. "Sir," he blurted out, "I have an attachment for your daughter, and.... " "See here, young man," interrupted her father, "when my daughter needs accessories, I'll buy them myself."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-15-2003 07:17 AM                        Rated G Baby Blues "I figured out why they call our language the "Mother Tongue." Fathers never get a chance to use much of it!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-15-2003 02:06 PM                        Rated G Baby Blues The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother." ~Author Unknown~ "The greatest gift I ever had Came from God, and I call him Dad!" ~Author Unknown~ "A father is a guy who has snapshots in his wallet where his money used to be." ~Author Unknown~  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-16-2003 06:31 AM                        Rated G Paul,a guy on the local beach just couldn't make it with any of the girls,so he heads over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice for him. "Dude,it's obvious," says the lifeguard,"you're wearing them baggy old swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style.Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Spandex Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin ya man...you'll have all the babes ya want!" The following weekend,Paul hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato and it's worse than before.Everybody on the beach acts disgusted as he walks by, covering their faces,turning away,laughing,looking sick! So Paul goes back to the lifeguard again and asks him,"What's wrong now?" "JAHEESUS!" says the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-16-2003 06:39 AM                        R The Gunfighter In the days of the Wild West,there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night,he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked. The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing,you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "Sure will," said the old-timer. The young man did as he was told, stood up,whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the cowboy."Got any more tips for me?" "Yep," said the old man."Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it.That'll give you a smoother draw." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man. "You bet it will," said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur,then shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy."I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?" The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon."See that axle grease over there?Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer,"I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "No," said the old-timer,"but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano,he's going to shove that gun up your ass and it won't hurt as much."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-16-2003 07:20 AM                        Rated G Israeli police are looking for a man named Joseph, wanted for looting in the port city of Haifa.The suspect is described as the son of an ex-nun from Barcelona and a German father.He was a former flutist and worked occasionally as a farmer. In short,he was a Haifa-lootin',flutin'Teuton,son of a nun from Barcelona,part time plowboy Joe.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-16-2003 07:39 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A guy goes to his girlfriends's house for the first time,and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get a couple of glasses of wine,and as he's standing there alone,he notices a small vase on the mantel. He picks it up,and as he's looking at it,she walks back in.He says "What's this?" She says,"Oh, my father's ashes are in there." He goes, "Geez... oooh....I... " She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray." Rated G  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-17-2003 06:51 AM                        Rated G Have you heard about the amazing new discovery? It's a pill that is half aspirin and half glue for people who have splitting headaches.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-17-2003 06:53 AM                        Rated G A man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone booth told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen,so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-17-2003 07:05 AM                        Rated G Becky I was self-conscious about going to the gym, because I thought the pounds I had put on would make me stand out among the spandex-clad regulars. I chose a treadmill in the corner so I'd be inconspicuous. However, as I exercised, my worst fears came true.At least a dozen people turned to stare at me periodically. I thought it might be my imagination, but then one woman even squinted to get a better look. Mortified, I stepped off the machine to leave. When I turned around,I realized that the gym's only wall clock had been hanging just inches above my head. [Reader's Digest]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-17-2003 08:23 AM                        Rated PG Baby Blues The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her. She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said. "I've never tried to kiss a model before," he swore. "Really," she said, softening. "How many models have there been?" "Four," he replied. "A jug, two apples and a vase."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-17-2003 08:26 AM                        Rated PG A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods. The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden his fishing license. "Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes, sir," replied the kid, "but my friend back there, he don't have one."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-17-2003 08:30 AM                        Rated G Janine Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect. Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect. Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success, and failure are inherited. Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers. Jack Handey  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 101 pages: 1  2  3  ...  42  43  44  45  46  47  48  ...  99  100  101

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.