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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2003 08:07 AM                        Rated G "Life is a biochemical reaction to the stimulus of the surrounding environment in a stable ecosphere, while a bowl of cherries is a round container filled with little red fruits on sticks. Therefore, life is NOT like a bowl of cherries!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2003 10:22 AM                        Rated G New Definitions for 2002 Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other. Divorce : Future tense of marriage. Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either" Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present. Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on. Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life. Dictionary : A place where success comes before work.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2003 11:17 AM                        Rated G BOBS MG I was driving the other day and came up on a VW Beetle with a license plate reading 'BOBS MG'. I was able to pull up beside the car at the next light, so I said to the driver, "Hey, that's not an MG." The driver looked over at me and said, "I'm not Bob."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2003 11:20 AM                        Rated G Automation A man put his fifty cents in a vending machine and watched helplessly while the cup failed to appear and a nozzle sent coffee down the drain while another poured cream after it. "Now that's automation!" he exclaimed. "It even drinks for you  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2003 03:54 PM                        Rated G I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder, but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder. --  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-04-2003 07:44 AM                        Rated G JJ Keeping California attached to the mainland. Read Each One Carefully and Think About It a Second or Two                 1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you. 2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry. 3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. 4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart. 5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them. 6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile. 7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world. 8. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you. 9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful. 10. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened. 11. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around. 12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you. 13. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to. REMEMBER: WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR A REASON. True friends: How many people actually have 8 true friends? Hardly anyone I know ! But some of us have all right friends and good friends!!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-04-2003 09:35 PM                        Rated G ............Alex NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS As we all prepare to start a new year it is time again to make those ever so important New Year's Resolutions.This poor guy has faithfully made such resolutions in the past, and while he haven't been able to keep all of them, he has tried to continue making progress on them year after year. The following is his revised list of "New Year's Resolutions - 2003 Edition": Resolution #1 2000: I will try to be a better husband to Marge. 2001: I will not leave Marge. 2002: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge. 2003: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda. Resolution #2 2000: I will stop looking at other women. 2001: I will not get involved with Wanda. 2002: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage. 2003: I will stop looking at other women. Resolution #3 2000: I will not let my boss push me around. 2001: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide. 2002: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me. 2003: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss. Resolution #4 2000: I will read at least 20 good books a year. 2001: I will read at least 10 books a year. 2002: I will read 5 books a year. 2003: I will finish Space. Resolution #5 2000: I will not get upset when Charlie and Sam make jokes about my baldness. 2001: I will not get annoyed when Charlie and Sam kid me about my toupee. 2002: I will not lose my temper when they tell the guys I wear a girdle. 2003: I will not speak to Charlie and Sam. Resolution #6 2000: I will get my weight down below 180. 2001: I will watch my calories until I get below 190. 2002: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200. 2003: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight. Resolution #7 2000: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m. 2001: I will not touch the bottle before noon. 2002: I will not become a "problem drinker". 2003: I will not miss any AA meetings. Resolution #8 2000: I will not spend my money frivolously. 2001: I will pay off my bank loan promptly. 2002: I will pay off my bank loans promptly. 2003: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 2004. Resolution #9 2000: I will see my dentist this year. 2001: I will have my cavities filled this year. 2002: I will have my root canal work done this year. 2003: I will get rid of my denture breath this year. Resolution #10 2000: I will go to church every Sunday. 2001: I will go to church as often as possible. 2002: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation. 2003: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-04-2003 09:43 PM                        Rated G ......... Sonata in Boston The Top 16 Rejected Names for Boy Bands 16. L*p Sync 15. Puber T & the MGs 14. *N A BLA 13. UR EZ 2 Pleez 12. Keds Zeppelin 11. The Audition-Passerz 10. Jus' 4 Cash 9. *N Sphinct 8. 15 Minutz 7. *LOL 6. The Normal White Guys, Like in High School, Whose Idea of Dancing is Moving Only One Foot, and Not Necessarily in Rhythm 5. Boyz IV Men 4. *N Vitro 3. O Degrees -- But 5 GEDs 2. Buttz II Moon 1. Backhair Boys:D  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-04-2003 09:47 PM                        Rated G I was browsing Amazon.com for a book on parachutes and came across the parachute riggers' bible: "The Parachute Manual : A Technical Treatise on Aerodynamic Decelerators (Vol. 2)" A few lines down the page, in the space where Amazon tries to convince you to buy other items,it read: Customers who shopped for this item also wear: - Clean Underwear from Amazon's Target Store  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-04-2003 09:54 PM                        Rated G ......Lorraine Fred: I haven't slept a wink for the past two nights. Harry: Why's that? Fred: Grandpop broke his leg. The doctor put it in a cast and told him he shouldn't walk upstairs. You should hear the row when he climbs up the drainpipe.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-04-2003 10:04 PM                        RATED G JETHRO: So, Stupid Steve joined a Shakespeare company? BUTCH: That's right and on his first night he performed Hamlet's soliloquy brilliantly! JETHRO: Did he get an ovation? BUTCH: No, they booed him off the stage. JETHRO: Why was that? BUTCH: Because they had come to see Othello.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-04-2003 10:07 PM                        Rated G What's the difference between a Yankee zoo and a Redneck zoo? On the cage in a Yankee zoo, it will have the name of the animal and the scientific name in Latin. A Southern zoo will have the name of the animal and a recipe.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-04-2003 10:11 PM                        Rated G SIGNS YOU ARE BROKE 1. American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!" 2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant. 3. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank. 4. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln. 5. Long distance companies don't call you to switch. 6. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes. 7. Your rob Peter...and then rob Paul. 8. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change. 9. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment. 10. Your bologna has no first name. 11. You give blood everyday...just for the orange juice. 12. Sally Struthers sends you food. 13. McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments. 14. At communion you go back for seconds.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2003 05:06 AM                        Rated G Last Years Present A gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in- law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he bought her nothing. She was quick to comment, loud and long, on his thoughtlessness. The gentleman said only one thing - "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2003 05:24 AM                        Rated G Old Hits Re-Released Great news! Some of the old favorite singers and bands have re-released their great hits with new titles and lyrics to accommodate their aging audience. Some examples: Herman's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker" The Rolling Stones: "You Can't Always Pee When You Want" Credence Clearwater Revival: "Bad Prune Rising" Marvin Gaye: "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts" The Who: "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication" The Troggs: "Bald Thing" Carly Simon: "You're So Varicose Vein" The Bee Gees: "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip" Roberta Flack: "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face" Johnny Nash: "I Can't See Clearly Now" The Temptations: "Papa Got a Kidney Stone" ABBA: "Denture Queen" Leo Sayer: "You Make Me Feel Like Napping" Commodores: "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom" Procol Harem: "A Whiter Shade of Hair" The Beatles: "I Get By With a Little Help From Depends".  |  IP: Logged

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