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Author
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Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-24-2004 03:19 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT...
In 1923, Who Was
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of
their days.
Now,80 years later,the history book asks us,if we know what
ultimately became of them.
The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company.
Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went
insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from
prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad,
penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot
himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also
committed suicide.
However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner
of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene
Sarazen. What became of him?
He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He
was financially secure at the time of his death.
The Moral:
Screw work. Play golf.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-07-2004 10:46 AM
Rated PG Greg in Washington
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. ??
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. "Oh, Jason, take me!"; she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
23. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
24. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
25. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
26. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
27. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
28. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
29. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
30. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-08-2004 02:10 PM
Rated G Greg in Washington
Retro-Man
Ok folks, I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I can't stand no more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men prancing about, redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like "style" and "feng shui." Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, trans-sexual, metrosexual, non-sexual; blue, green, and purple-sexual-bogus definitions have taken over the urban and suburban world!
Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt, belch, and yell "ENOUGH!"
I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture wars, the Retrosexual movement.
The RetroSexual Code :
A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on national TV.
A Retrosexual, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.
A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only because they are female.
A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.
A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.
A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you.
A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an end cap (possibly 2 end caps if you include shaving goods.)
A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old.
A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code.
A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.
A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major re-invention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a froo-froo little puss, and in the long run, she isn't worth it.
A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak tree chipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city, or favorite bird dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention to you. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.
A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.
A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie - and ONLY a Windsor knot.
A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting.
A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can - or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.
A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it's just plain fun to shoot.
Crying. There are very few reason that a Retrosexual may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part.
A Retrosexual man's favorite movie isn't "Maid in Manhattan" (unless that refers to some foxy French maid sitting in a huge tub of brandy or whiskey), or "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood." Acceptable ones may include any of the Dirty Harry or Nameless Drifter movies (Clint in his better days), Rambo I or II, the Dirty Dozen, The Godfather trilogy, Scarface, The Road Warrior, The Die Hard series, Caddyshack, Rocky I, II, or III, Full Metal Jacket, any James Bond Movie, Raging Bull, Bullitt, any Bruce Lee movie, Apocalypse Now, Goodfellas, Reservoir Dogs, Fight Club,etc
When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, hell, any woman gets on, that Retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you punks" look on his face.
A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star Spangled Banner.
A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged in a serious healthy relationship - i.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance.
A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.
A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard) without sliding all over or driving under 20 mph, without anxiety, and without high-centering his ride on a plow berm.
A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he damn well wanted it to land.
A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any elderly person or person in military dress (except officers above 2nd Lt (Ensign for you sailors ;-)). NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving their country.
A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good enough. He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the other person deceived him.
A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-08-2004 02:48 PM
Rated G
TV Trivia
Ralph Kramden made 62 dollars a week.
The characters of Homer, Marge, Lisa, and Maggie were given the same first names as Simpsons creator Matt Groening's real-life father, mother, and two sisters.
"60 Minutes" is the only show on CBS that doesn't have a theme song.
John Larroquette of "Night Court" and "The John Larroquette Show" was the narrator of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre."
The role of Flipper was played by a dolphin named Suzy.
Mr. Spock's blood type was T-Negative.
That's Paul Reiser playing the piano on the 'Mad About You' theme.
The Andy Griffth Show was the first spin-off in TV history. It was a spin-off of the Danny Thomas Show.
Kelsey Grammer sings and plays the piano for the theme song of Fraiser.
Before Mickey Mouse, Felix the Cat was the most popular cartoon character.
The American situation comedy "Sanford and Son" was adapted from the British show, "Steptoe and Son".
Alan Thicke, the father in the TV show 'Growing Pains' wrote the theme songs for 'The Facts of Life' and 'Diff'rent Strokes'.
The Partridge Family was loosely-based on the experiences of a real-life popular recording family, the Cowsills.
Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy.
The skipper's real name on Gilligan's Island is Jonas Grumby. It was mentioned once in the first episode on their radio's newscast about the wreck.
Jamie Farr (who played Klinger on M*A*S*H) was the only member of the cast who actually served as a soldier in the Korean War.
Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator while he was host of "Lorne Greene's Wild Kingdom."
Helen Hunt got her start on the Mary Tyler Moore Show. She played Murray Slaughter's daughter.
Sharon Stone was the first Star Search spokesmodel.
Only 3 TV series ended their run as the No. 1 rated show of the year. I Love Lucy, The Andy Griffith Show & Seinfeld'
Hugh "Ward Cleaver" Beaumont was an ordained minister.
Producers of the Dick Van Dyke show originally considered casting Johnny Carson as 'Rob Petrie'.
More than 60 actresses were interviewed before settling on Mary Tyler Moore as 'Laura'.
The characters in "The Addams Family" did not have names in the "New Yorker" cartoons; Charles Addams created their names when the television series in the 1960s was developed.
Frostbite Falls, Minnesota, was home to Rocky and Bullwinkle.
Fans thought Rod Serling invented the term "Twilight Zone." As a matter of fact, so did Serling. He'd not heard anyone use it before, so he assumed he'd created it. However, after the hit TV show debuted in 1959, Serling was informed that Air Force pilots used the phrase to describe "a moment when a plane is coming down on approach and it cannot see the horizon."
Muppets creator Jim Henson first created Kermit in 1955 - as a lizard. He was made from Henson's mother's coat and two halves of a Ping-Pong ball (no flipper feet or eleven-point collar).
For many years, the globe on the NBC Nightly News spun in the wrong direction. On January 2, 1984, NBC finally set the world spinning back in the proper direction.
The first toy product ever advertised on television was Mr. Potato Head. Introduced in 1952, Mr. Potato Head took advantage of TV's explosive growth to gain access to tens of millions of newly "plugged-in" households.
Some television families' home addresses:
The Simpsons - 714 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield;
The Bunkers (All In The Family) - 704 Hauser, Queens;
The Munsters - 1313 Mockingbird Lane, Mockingbird Heights
The name of the Vulcan's heaven is Sha Ka Ree.
Cheryl Ladd (of Charlie's Angels fame) played the voice, both talking and singing, of Josie in the 70s Saturday morning cartoon Josie and the Pussycats.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-14-2004 09:32 AM
Rated G
TAX POEM...April 15th is coming, folks!
Tax his land, tax his wage,
Tax his bed in which he lays.
Tax his tractor, tax his mule,
Teach him taxes is the rule.
Tax his cow, tax his goat,
Tax his pants, tax his coat.
Tax his ties, tax his shirts,
Tax his work, tax his dirt.
Tax his chew, tax his smoke,
Teach him taxes are no joke.
Tax his car, tax his ass.
Tax the roads he must pass.
Tax his tobacco,tax his drink,
Tax him if he tries to think.
Tax his booze,tax his beers,
If he cries,tax his tears.
Tax his bills,tax his gas,
Tax his notes,tax his cash.
Tax him good and let him know
That after taxes,he has no dough.
If he hollers,tax him more,
Tax him until he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin,tax his grave,
Tax the sod in which he lays.
Put these words upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove me to my doom!"
And when he's gone,we won't relax,
We'll still be after the inheritance TAX!
Author Unknown
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