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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-12-2004 07:10 AM                        Rated G Michele The visitor to New York rushed from the airport into a waiting taxi,trying to keep dry in the heavy downpour. "Can you think of anything worse," grumbled the visitor, "than raining cats and dogs in New York?" "Sure," said the cab driver. "Hailing taxis!"  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 03-12-2004 04:54 PM                        Rated PG A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi . . . You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job". The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year". The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-13-2004 08:45 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee A man was searching the dictionary for the word (Dictionary) he found this meaning: Dictionary is the thing which you are holding,Stupid! So he searched for the Word (Stupid) he found:is that you again?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-13-2004 09:25 AM                        Rated R Michele John and Brian are out and about. John notices that Brian is a bit pissy during the evening, so he finally brings up. "Yo, man, you've been cranky all damned day.What the hell is wrong with you?" You're acting like you've got PMS." "Naw, I don't have PMS, but I definitely think I'm suffering from the male counterpart. I call it SRH." "SRH? What's that?" "Sperm Retention Headache."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-15-2004 10:33 AM                        Rated G Since this is the 100th Birthday of Dr. Seuss: Dr. Seuss performs a wedding... Pastor: Will you answer me right now These questions, as your wedding vow? Groom: Yes, I will answer right now Your questions as my wedding vow. Pastor: Will you take her as your wife? Will you love her all your life? Groom: Yes, I take her as my wife, Yes, I'll love her all my life. Pastor: Will you have, and also hold Just as you have at this time told? Groom: Yes, I will have, and I will hold, Just as I have at this time told, Yes, I will love her all my life As I now take her as my wife. Pastor: Will you love through good and bad? Whether you're happy or sad? Groom: Yes, I'll love through good and bad, Whether we're happy or sad, Yes, I will have and I will hold Just as I have already told, Yes, I will love her all my life, Yes, I will take her as my wife! Pastor: Will you love her if you're rich? Or if you're poor, and in a ditch? Groom: Yes, I'll love her if we're rich, And I will love her in a ditch, I'll love her through good times and bad, Whether we are happy or sad, Yes, I will have, and I will hold (I could have sworn this has been told!) I promise to love all my life This woman, as my lawful wife! Pastor: Will you love her when you're fit, And also when you're feeling sick? Groom: Yes, I'll love her when we're fit, And when we're hurt, and when we're sick, And I will love her when we're rich And I will love her in a ditch And I will love through good and bad, And I will love when glad or sad, And I will have, and I will hold Ten years from now a thousandfold, Yes, I will love for my whole life This lovely woman as my wife! Pastor: Will you love with all your heart? Will you love till death you part? Groom: Yes, I'll love with all my heart From now until death do us part, And I will love her when we're rich, And when we're broke and in a ditch, And when we're fit, and when we're sick, (Oh, CAN'T we get this finished quick?) And I will love through good and bad, And I will love when glad or sad, And I will have, and I will hold, And if I might now be so bold, I'll love her my entire life, Yes, I WILL take her as my wife! Pastor: Then if you'll take her as your wife, And if you'll love her all your life, And if you'll have, and if you'll hold, From now until the stars grow cold, And if you'll love through good and bad, And whether you're happy or sad, And love in sickness, and in health, And when you're poor, and when in wealth, And if you'll love with all your heart, From now until death do you part, Yes, if you'll love her through and through, Please answer with these words: Pastor and Groom: I DO! Pastor: You're married now! So kiss the bride, But please, do keep it dignified.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-17-2004 12:58 PM                        Rated G Ed Upstate New York DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN...? All the girls had ugly gym uniforms? It took five minutes for the TV warm up? Nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got home from school? Nobody owned a purebred dog? When a quarter was a decent allowance? You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny? Your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces? All your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done every day and wore high heels? peel out, lay rubber or watch submarine races,and people went steady? No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked? Lying on your back in the grass with your friends and saying things like, "That cloud looks like a .." and playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game? Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger? And with all our progress, don't you just wish, just once, you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace, and share it with the children of today? When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited the student at home? Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we survived because their love was greater than the threat. Send this on to someone who can still remember Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys, Laurel and Hardy, Howdy Dowdy and the Peanut Gallery, the Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows, Nellie Bell, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk. As well as summers filled with bike rides, baseball games, Hula Hoops, bowling and visits to the pool, and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar. Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, "Yeah, I remember that"? I am sharing this with you today because it ended with a double dog dare to pass it on. To remember what a double dog dare is, read on. And remember that the perfect age is somewhere between old enough to know better and too young to care. How many of these do you remember? Candy cigarettes Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers Newsreels before the movie P.F. Fliers Telephone numbers with a word prefix....(Orchard 4-601). Party lines Peashooters Howdy Dowdy 45 RPM records Green Stamps Hi-Fi's Metal ice cubes trays with levers Mimeograph paper Beanie and Cecil Roller-skate keys Cork pop guns Drive ins Studebakers Washtub wringers The Fuller Brush Man Reel-To-Reel tape recorders Tinkertoys Erector Sets The Fort Apache Play Set Lincoln Logs 15 cent McDonald hamburgers Penny candy 19 cent a gallon gasoline (Abilene, TX - 1968) Jiffy Pop popcorn Do you remember a time when... Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-moe"? Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "Do Over!"? "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest? Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening? It wasn't odd to have two or three "Best Friends"? The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties"? Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot? A foot of snow was a dream come true? Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute commercials for action figures? "Ollie-Ollie-oxen-free" made perfect sense? Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles? The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team? War was a card game? Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle? Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin? Water balloons were the ultimate weapon? If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!!!!! Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their "grown-up" life . . .I double-dog-dare-ya!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-20-2004 03:24 PM                        Rated R 20 ways to say your fly is open: 20) The cucumber has left the salad. 19) I can see the gun of Navarone. 18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out. 17) You've got Windows in your laptop. 16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave. 15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now. 14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell. 13) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson... 12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position. 11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal. 10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building! 9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod. 8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir! 7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage. 6) Dr. Kimble has escaped! 5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary." 4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction... 3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones. 2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it? 1) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-20-2004 03:27 PM                        Rated PG Lulu Big Busted Women -can get a taxi on the worst days -have a neat place to carry spare change -have always been the center of the arts (art) -make jogging a spectator sport -can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub -have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them) -usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie -can always carry a little extra -always float better -know where to look first for lost earrings -rarely lack for a slow dance partner -have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner Small Busted Women -don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public -always look younger -find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap -can always see their toes and shoes -can sleep on their stomachs -have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars -know that people can read the entire message on their t-shirts -know that everything more than a handful is wasted -can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle -can take an aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-22-2004 12:02 PM                        Rated R Hank in Simi 9 Children A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, and with them are their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the side walk and says to him: "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!" The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-22-2004 12:32 PM                        Rated G B.B. The young suitor was determined to win the heart of the girl he wanted to marry, in spite of her rejection of his proposals a number of times. He began what can only be called a "Campaigning" and sent her a small token of his affection every day for a month to her house. The plan was successful too -- the young lady fell in love with the UPS man.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2004 01:31 PM                        Rated PG A young fellow just starting into cattle ranching called the old cowboy one rainy evening and said he had a cow with problems having a calf. The old cowboy got his rope, and drove thru the rain to his neighbor's house. The cow was standing out in the rain with her calf next to her. The old cowboy thought she should be examined anyway. "Has she ever had a rope on her"? "Oh, yeah, yeah! Last year! The old cowboy twirled his rope over his head and made a perfect cast. As soon as the rope went over the cow's head,she bolted.In a dead run,she pulled the old cowboy around the corral on his stomach,full length in the mud, three times around the corral. The old cowboy finally got her stopped,and looking at the young man in a rage said," I thought you said she'd had a rope on her before!" "I had a rope on her last year,and she did the same thing then!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2004 01:38 PM                        Rated G Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. They say they found it at a party,talking way too loudly.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2004 01:40 PM                        Rated G Michele The elevator to success is out of order. You'll have to use the stairs ...one step at a time.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2004 01:48 PM                        Rated G Michele Euphemisms For Impotence 15. 180 degrees shy of heaven 14. Performing with Flacido Domingo 13. A few parts shy of an erector set 12. Sch-wing and a miss 11. Not rising to the level of impeachable offense 10. The Null Monte 9. Disappointing Miss Daisy 8. Taking the gold at the Lake Flaccid Olympics 7. Ascension Deficit Disorder 6. Bouncing the Check of Love 5. Less-than-Magic Johnson 4. All Doled up with nowhere to go 3. Welcome to Flaccid City. Population: You 2. Serving boneless pork 1. Unleavened Man-Bread  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2004 01:53 PM                        Rated G B.B. Short Funny Sayings UFO's are real. It's the Air Force that doesn't exist! A synonym is a word you use if you can't spell the other one. I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO. Money Talks ... but all mine ever says is Goodbye! I couldn't fix your brakes, so I made your horn LOUDER! Black Holes are where God divided by zero. Hard work never hurt anyone, but why take the chance. 1st rule of intelligent tinkering - save all the parts. SHIN - A device for finding furniture in the dark.  |  IP: Logged

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