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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-13-2004 08:09 AM                        Rated G Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. Ms. Walters approached one of the women and said, "This is marvellous. Can you tell me and the free world just what enabled women here to achieve this marvellous reversal of roles?" "Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-13-2004 02:27 PM                        Rated G Roger in Jersey Rules to live by: The most destructive habit........................Worry The greatest Joy..................................Giving The greatest loss....................Loss of self-respect The most satisfying work...................Helping others The ugliest personality trait.............. Selfishness The most endangered species...............Dedicated leaders Our greatest natural resource..............Our youth The greatest "shot in the arm".............Encouragement The greatest problem to overcome...........Fear The most effective sleeping pill...........Peace of mind The most crippling failure disease.........Excuses The most powerful force in life............Love The most dangerous pariah..................A gossiper The world's most incredible computer.......The brain The worst thing to be without.... ..........Hope The deadliest weapon.......................The tongue The two most power-filled words............"I Can" The greatest asset..........................Faith The most worthless emotion..................Self-pity The most beautiful attire...................SMILE! The most prized possession..................Integrity The most powerful channel of communication........Prayer The most contagious spirit..................Enthusiasm  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-24-2004 12:16 PM                        Rated PG "Experts at Guinness have announced that a man in India has set a new record for having the most cement blocks smashed into his groin. The old record was none." Jay leno  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-25-2004 11:57 AM                        Rated G Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs Agent stops them and tells them: "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro." "Vot do you mean it'z illegal?" asks the German driver. "Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official. "Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile",the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze papers:zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons." "You can'ta pulla thata one on me!", replies the Italian Customs Agent. "Quattro meansa four. You hava fivea people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law." The German driver replies angrily,- "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over,I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!" "Sorry", responds the Italian official,"he can'ta come.>He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-25-2004 11:57 AM                        Rated G Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs Agent stops them and tells them: "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro." "Vot do you mean it'z illegal?" asks the German driver. "Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official. "Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile",the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze papers:zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons." "You can'ta pulla thata one on me!", replies the Italian Customs Agent. "Quattro meansa four. You hava fivea people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law." The German driver replies angrily,- "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over,I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!" "Sorry", responds the Italian official,"he can'ta come.>He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-25-2004 12:36 PM                        Rated G Question:What's the difference between an alocholic and a drunk? . . . . . . . . . Answer: Drunk's don't go to meetings.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-26-2004 10:13 AM                        Rated G The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in water. And then you dump the stock.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-26-2004 01:23 PM                        Rated PG Top 17 Bumper Stickers You Would Like To See Jesus loves you... but everyone else thinks you're an asshole . Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings," The proctologist called ...they found your head. Everyone has a photographic memory ...some just don't have any film. Save your breath... You'll need it to blow up your date. Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted. I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one. Some people just don't know how to drive... I call these people "Everybody But Me," Heart Attacks... God's revenge for eating His animal friends. Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me. If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. Try not to let your mind wander... It is too small and fragile to be out by itself. Hang up and drive!! And The Number One Bumper Sticker you'd Like To See!! Welcome to America ...now speak English  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-26-2004 01:29 PM                        Rated G Molly Steinberg, a difficult independent 75 year old, likes sitting by the park feeding the pigeons. One day, she brought with her a whole bun of fresh bread just to feed her daily company. Little by little, pinch by pinch, she fed each pigeon with joy. She sat there for the most part of the day just feeding the pigeons. Then suddenly, a man in his early 40's walked by and told her that she shouldn't throw away good food on a bunch of pigeons that can find food anywhere... when there are a lot of people starving in Africa. Molly looked at the man and without hesitation,"Oy Vey, I can't throw that far!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-26-2004 01:29 PM                        Rated G Molly Steinberg, a difficult independent 75 year old, likes sitting by the park feeding the pigeons. One day, she brought with her a whole bun of fresh bread just to feed her daily company. Little by little, pinch by pinch, she fed each pigeon with joy. She sat there for the most part of the day just feeding the pigeons. Then suddenly, a man in his early 40's walked by and told her that she shouldn't throw away good food on a bunch of pigeons that can find food anywhere... when there are a lot of people starving in Africa. Molly looked at the man and without hesitation,"Oy Vey, I can't throw that far!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-26-2004 01:33 PM                        Rated G A diner at a country inn is shocked to see on the menu a dish of "hickory-smoked possum jowls in syrup." He summons a waiter to complain. The waiter looks at the menu.Then he flings it down and yells to the owner in the kitchen,"Hey, the printers forgot to translate the menu into French again!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-27-2004 08:31 AM                        Rated G Uncle Bubba Signs You're Staying at a NASCAR Hotel Nightly turn-down service includes a little tin of Skoal left on your pillow. For every night you stay, your sister stays with you free. The sports bar has a Jeff Gordon dart board. Potpourri in the bathroom smells of scorched tires. The Bible in your night stand has illustrations of all the begetting. The hallways are full of rednecks on lawn chairs with coolers. For religious guests, a statuette of a haloed Dale Earnhardt is provided in every room. A team of eight maids gets your room cleaned in 13 seconds flat -- while you're still in bed. Some guy who's missing a few teeth keeps screaming at you to scrub harder while you're in the shower. The "VRROOOMM service" menu? Nothin' but biscuits 'n' gravy. Pick-up lines in the cocktail lounge usually include the term "pole sitter." The "Magic Fingers" bed vibrates about 10 times too fast, drowns out anything less than a shout and occasionally rolls over and bursts into flames. The mini-bar is stocked with pork rinds, Velveeta, Slim Jims and Pabst Blue Ribbon. "Here's your room key, sir.To get to your suite,go to the end of the hall and turn left,then left again,then take a left, then..." When newlyweds consummate their marriage in the honeymoon suite, a checkered flag drops from the ceiling and they're expected to do a victory lap in the lobby.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-04-2004 01:13 PM                        Rated PG DIDJA EVER WONDER?? Some new, some old, some good ......Enjoy 1. Can you cry under water? 2. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I go "chunkydunking." 3. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? 4. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? 5. Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round? 6. Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? 7. Once you're in heaven,do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? 8. Why does a round pizza come in a square box? 9. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? 10. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? 11. If a deaf person has to go to court,is it still called a hearing? 12. If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory,will they fire you? 13 Why are you IN a movie,but you are ON TV? 14. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? 15. How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America? 16. Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. 17. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call? 18. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! 19. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? 20. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. 21. My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said. 22. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.. 23. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-04-2004 01:21 PM                        Rated PG Michele Bob's father and friends were throwing him the best bachelor party ever.There were hookers and strippers,tons of food,and some great porno flicks. Feeling the beer, Bob's dad stands up and hollers to get everyone's attention. "I want to propose a toast to my son! Bob,I'm so glad I could be here with you on the happiest day of your life." "But, Pop," Bob said, I'm not getting married until tomorrow!" Bob's dad interrupted and said, "Like I said, I'm so glad I could be here with you on the happiest day of your life."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-04-2004 09:11 PM                        Rated G GREAT FRIENDS Friends Me and You are Friends....... You Fight, I Fight........ You Hurt, I Hurt........ You Cry, I Cry......... You Jump Off a Bridge.... I'm Gonna Miss Your Dumb ass!!!!  |  IP: Logged

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