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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-02-2003 12:03 PM                        Rated G NEW DEFINITIONS ADULT - A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. ANTONYM - The opposite of the word you're trying to think of. BEAUTY PARLOR - A place where women curl up and dye. BORE - A person with nothing to say and says it. CANNIBAL - Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS - The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE - A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DECORUM - What you do to apples before you stew them. DIPLOMACY - Letting them have it your way DUST - Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST - Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. EXPERIENCE - 1. Recognizing a mistake the second time you make it. 2. What you get when you didn't get what you wanted. FLASHLIGHT - A case in which to hold dead batteries. FRISBEETARIANISM - The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. GOSSIP - A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. HANDKERCHIEF - Cold Storage IGNORANCE - When you don't know something and someone finds out. JUNK - Something you need the day after you throw it away. LOTTERY - A tax on people who are bad at maths. MOSQUITO - An insect that makes you like flies better. MYTH - A female moth. OPTIMIST - Someone who tells you to cheer up when things are going his way. PESSIMIST - An optimist with experience. PURITANISM - The fear that someone somewhere might be happy. RAISIN - Grape with a sunburn. SECRET - Something you tell to one person at a time. SHIN - A device for finding furniture in the dark. SKELETON - A bunch of bones with the people scraped off. SKILL - Successfully wallking a tightrope over Niagra Falls. TOOTHACHE - The pain that drives you to extraction. TORNADOES - God's answer to trailer parks. YAWN - An honest opinion openly expressed. WRINKLES - Something other people have. You have character lines.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-02-2003 12:12 PM                        Rated PG ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES 1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted 4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case 5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents 6. Farmer Bill Dies in House 7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? 9. Stud Tires Out 10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope 11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over 12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again 13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands 14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms 15. Eye Drops off Shelf 16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids 17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead 18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim 19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax 21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told 22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death 23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree 25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies 26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter 27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years 28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One 29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84 30. War Dims Hope for Peace 31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While 32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures 33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide 34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge 35. Deer Kill 17,000 36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead 37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge 38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group 39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft 40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy 42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire 43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply 44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood 45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees 46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half 47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies 48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing 49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing 50. Air Head Fired  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-02-2003 08:22 PM                        Rated G More Oxymoron's Act naturally Found missing Resident alien Genuine imitation Same difference Government organization Sanitary landfill Living dead Military intelligence New classic "Now, then ..." Synthetic natural gas Clearly misunderstood Definite maybe Pretty ugly Working vacation Exact estimate and one of my personal favorites: Microsoft Works  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-02-2003 08:33 PM                        Rated G BIMBO TALK DICTIONARY Bimbaffled - reaction of bimbo to any change in her environment Bimbang - the act of banging a bimbo Bimbank - bank with low interest rates but with beautiful blonde staff Bimbar - bar full of bimbos Bimbattle - two bimbos fighting over a hunk in a bimbar Bimbeaver - body part a bimbo thinks with instead of using her bimbrain Bimbette - immature bimbo (bimbos are mature at age six) Bimbikini - very tiny and sexy bikini Bimbino - young, innocent and lovable bimbo Bimbintelligence - semantically inconsistent term Bimbiology - study of the biology of bimbos Bimblabla - what comes out of a bimbos mouth Bimblooper - general result of a bimbos actions Bimblowjob - the best a bimbo has to offer Bimbooze - favourite drink of bimbo (margarita) Bimborg - malfunctioning but sexy cyborg robot Bimboss - a bimbo who is the boss (happens only in her dreams) Bimbozo - a male bimbo; identifying mark: uses rear-view mirror to admire himself/comb hair) Bimbra - apparatus to support a bimbos most valuable assets Bimbrain - least-used word in the English language Bimbrand - the type of bimbo (Irish girls make excelllent bimbos) Bimbulb - light bulb producing 1% light and 99% heat Bimburger - cheapest snack at McDonalds  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-02-2003 08:40 PM                        Rated G Ponder This 1. Do vegetarians eat animal crackers? 2. If olive oil comes from olives, wheredoes baby oil come from? 3. If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? 4. If buttered toast always lands buttered side down,and cats always land on their feet, what would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast to the back of a cat? 5. If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days of the year, why do they have locks on the doors? 6. Why do they put Braille dotson the dey pads of the drive-up ATM machine? 7. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? 8. Why are there floatation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? 9. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? 10. How does the guy who drives the snow plow get to work? 11. If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan? 12. If you're driving at the speed of light and you turn on you headlights, what happens? 13. You know hwo most packages say "open here"? What should you do if the package says "open somewhere else"? 14. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? 15. Why is it that when you transport something by car it's called a shipment, but when you trasport something by ship it's called cargo? 16. You know that little indestructible black box that's used on airplanes? Why can't they make the whoe plane out of the same substance? 17. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for and address,you turn theradio down? 18. Why don't sheep shrink in the rain? 19. Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together? 20. What does Geronimo scream when he jumps out of a plane? 21. If fire fighters fight fire, and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight? 22. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? 23 Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-02-2003 08:44 PM                        Rated G Words that shouldnt exist but do 1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes. 2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, ofrunning over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times,reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it backdown to give the vacuum one more chance. 3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs. 4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater. 5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug. 6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side. 7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper. 8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer. 9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it. 10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of alwaysletting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up,even when you're only six inches away.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-03-2003 06:51 AM                        Rated PG DICTIONARY OF DATING ATTRACTION - the act of associating horniness with a particular person. LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet. DATING - the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future. BIRTH CONTROL - avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom,and dating repulsive men. EASY - a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man. EYE CONTACT - a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest. FRIEND - a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing. INDIFFERENCE - a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted to by the man as "playing hard to get." INTERESTING - a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking. IRRITATING HABIT - what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together. LAW OF RELATIVITY - how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is. NYMPHOMANIAC - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does. SOBER - condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-03-2003 07:05 AM                        Rated G Janine "Are you ready out there in radio land for your morning exercises? Good. Now-up, down, up, down, up, down. Now the other eyelid."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-03-2003 08:48 AM                        Rated PG Janine Maurice was in a barbershop getting a shave and a manicure. He was veryattracted to the pretty manicurist. "Go out with me tonight,Tiffany," he implored. "I can't." Tiffany said, "I have a date with my boyfriend." "Tell him you're going out with a friend," he suggested. "Tell him yourself," she said. "He's shaving you."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-05-2003 10:57 AM                        Rated G White House Plans Free Food for Fat People WASHINGTON, DC (AheadOfNews.com) - Flushed with success after getting his latest tax cut pushed through Congress, President Bush has announced another initiative - this one intended to combat the growing problem of hunger in America. "There are too many children going to bed hungry," said the President, "and this new initiative will mean that there is more food available, which creates meals, and meals are what this country needs in order to fight hunger." A White House aide, speaking on condition of anonymity, explained the new proposal by comparing it with the tax cut. "Some really naive people think that the way to create jobs is to create direct tax incentives for job creation. A much more effective approach is to give a lot more money to rich people. They already have more than they could ever use, but they have to do something with it, right? Chances are they'll use it to create jobs, rather than to buy another Italian sports car or another chateau in the Alps." "The same thing goes for food distribution. Democrats and other simple-minded people might think that you can solve the hunger problem by feeding the hungry. No, no, no! That's just backwards. You solve the hunger problem by giving free food to the people who need it least. They know food - they're the ones to make meals. And meals are what it takes to feed the hungry!" Also in the works is a plan to let mining and chemical companies set environmental policy. "Who knows more about pollution than them?" asks our source.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-05-2003 02:08 PM                        Rated G Lorraine July 4, 1776, Nothing of importance this day. (Diary of King George III of England)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-05-2003 02:12 PM                        Rated G Lorraine TEACHER: "Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?" STUDENT: "On the bottom!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-05-2003 02:13 PM                        Rated G "A Prayer for Our Troops!" For this 4th of July Almighty Commander, In this time of need as our troops bleed and die in order to liberate those created in Your image, we declare our dependence upon You on behalf of them. So does our President. And for good reason. These we love are brave, but human. They are strong, but also weak. And while they seek a speedy end to this necessary evil we seek Your face, O God. Protect our daughters and sons as bombs explode and guns fire around them. Give them clarity of purpose amid casualties (both military and civilian). Cure their homesickness with a sense of Your Presence. Nourish their hunger for peace. Renew their confidence in the cause for which they fight. Revive their flagging spirits as You remind them of the values for which our Banner stands. One nation, under You, with liberty and justice for all. --Copyright 2003 by Rev. Greg Asimakoupoulos  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-06-2003 08:47 AM                        Rated G Janine Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-06-2003 08:55 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee THAT SHOULD DO IT We were on our way to the hospital where our 16-year-old daughter was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy.During the ride we talked about how the procedure would be performed. "Dad," ourteenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?" Without hesitation he quipped,"They're going to give you a phone."  |  IP: Logged

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