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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-11-2003 07:49 AM                        Rated R : blue_meanie I don't understand the terminology on TV weather reports, "The temperature today is twenty-two,but with wind-chill factor, it feels like ten below." What the hell does that mean? Give us something we can use,"The temperature outside is 'Damn!' But with the wind, it feels more like 'Son-of-a-bitch!" I know how to dress for Son-of-a-bitch.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-11-2003 07:50 AM                        Rated G Michele When short hemlines came back into fashion,I dug an old miniskirt out of my closet.I tried it on, but couldn't figure out what to do with my other leg.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-11-2003 08:00 AM                        Rated G thetoolwoman How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-11-2003 08:04 AM                        Rated G David Letterman and his girlfriend recently had their first child,a son.According to this week's People magazine,Dave's number one reason he's 'Glad To Be A Dad'" is:"There is now tangible evidence that I have had sex!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-11-2003 08:46 AM                        Rated PG Michele A new erectile dysfunction drug claims it will allow men to last seven times longer than Viagra. In a related story, Elizabeth Dole has gone into hiding.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-11-2003 11:14 AM                        Rated G Michele An Amish man answered a knock on his door one morning. An electric company worker handed him a piece of paper stating that the electric company would like to run a power line through his cow pasture. The Amish man said, "No, no you can not." "Legally, that paper says we can." replied the gruff worker. As he turned and left returning to his co-workers in the field. The Amish man went to his barn and turned his bull into the pasture.As the bull rumbled toward the workers in the field,the Amishfarmer hollered, "Show him thy friggin' paper!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-11-2003 05:48 PM                        Rated G A doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa."The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago." "Red meat is awful.Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous,and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water." "But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all,and most of us have,or will,eat it.Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet,a 75-year-old man in the front row, raised his hand and said, "Wedding Cake."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-11-2003 05:55 PM                        Rated G Letter From Camp I am well.Hope you are.Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them To join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop,feed to pitch,mash to mix,wood to split,fire to lay.Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice,cereal,eggs, bacon,etc. but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant,pie and other regular food.But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee.Their food plus yours holds you till noon,when you get fed again.It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.We go on "route" marches,which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home.Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.The country is nice,but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher.He nags some.The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown.They don't bother you none.This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.I keep getting medals for shooting.I don't know why.The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move.And it ain't shooting at you,like the Higgett boys at home.All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it.You don't even load your own cartridges.They come in boxes. Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training.You get to wrestle with them city boys.I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home.I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake.He joined up the same time as me.But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in. Your loving daughter, Gail  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-11-2003 06:05 PM                        Rated G APPLICATION Form FOR RHODE ISLAND CITIZENSHIP PERSONAL INFORMATION: Name:_________________________________________ Winter Address:_________________________________ Summer (S.County) Address:______________________ QUALIFICATIONS (check all that apply): _____I was born at Lying-In Hospital. _____I have attended CCRI, RIC, URI or RISD. _____If I am a lawyer, I graduated from LaSalle, PC, and Suffolk (nights). _____I know at least one swear word in Italian. _____I know where "The Hill" is. _____My initials are on my license plates. _____I know what a "low numbah" is and how to use one. _____I know someone who works at the Registry (which explains my low numba). _____I have attended an event at Lombardi's 10/25 Club. _____I use landmarks that no longer exist when giving directions. _____When you refer to "the brick building in Providence" I know which one you mean. _____I know what a "RIPTA" is. _____I frequent "The East Side." _____I do not use my directional signals (or my blinkizz) when driving (but I do use one finger frequently). _____If I had to go one day without Dunkin' Donuts, I would become comatose. _____I have been to the oldest 4th of July parade in the country. _____I miss Rocky Point and/or Crescent Park. _____One of my parents is/was a state worker. _____Don Bousquet is my hero. _____Tara Granahan is a Goddess. _____I have a friend/cousin/ex-girlfriend named Cheryl. _____I have a friend/cousin/ex-boyfriend named Vinny. _____I have a friend/cousin/ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend that's been to Butler and will speak openly about it. _____I have been to Twin Oaks for a special occasion. _____I know where to find Buddy Cianci at lunchtime (and he REALLY has a low numbah!). _____I was on TV downtown live when they released "the verdict." _____I have ventured across the bridge to see Ni, Ro and Pe. _____I have ventured all the way out there to Wright's Farm. _____I still call it "The Hospital Trust Building" although it's name changes frequently (who can keep up?). _____I have eaten NY System weenizz and lived to tell about it. _____I eat steemizz every chance I get. _____I will fight to the death if anyone says that Caserta's is not the food of the Gods. _____I know that the opposite of round is sqweah. _____I think that Doug White's hair is weahd. _____I know that Fostah/Glocestah kids have NEVER been to school. _____I have held up traffic in order to watch The Dancing Cop. _____I know that there's noooooooooobody like Salty Brine. _____My kids wear sneekizz. _____I'm glad we have our own mall now so we don't have to go to Emral' Sqweah rovah theah. BONUS POINTS: _____I have been waved past the line and seated at Twin Oaks without having to tip the maitre d'. TRUE/FALSE: _____I always have a bottle of coffee syrup in my fridge. _____I can sing the "Block Island Ferry" song. _____I read the obituaries every day. _____I know the state bird, flower, and shellfish. _____I know all the flavors of Del's. _____I still call Rhode Island Mall the "Midland Mall". _____I watch "Providence", but only for the shots of the city. _____I celebrate St. Patrick's Day and St. Joseph's Day. _____I honeymooned at Disney World. _____I know someone who lives in Rhode Island but has Florida license plates.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-12-2003 08:53 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee There's a new Reality show called Survivor Amazon. It's not what you think. It's about a bunch of elderly people trying to order something online.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-12-2003 08:55 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee Excuse That May Be Helpful: Sorry, won't be in for 3 days. Went to see my sister off on her cruise to Bahamas... darn ship left with me still on it.. Captain refuses to turn back  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-12-2003 12:54 PM                        Rated PG There was a beautiful model who stuttered. She was at a shooting one day and the photographer started making advances. Before she could say "I'm not that kind of a girl," she was.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-12-2003 01:04 PM                        Rated G You know you're too stressed when... You can achieve a "Runners High" by sitting up. You say the same sentence over and over again,not realizing that you have said it before. The sun is too loud. Trees begin chasing you. You can see individual air molecules vibrating. You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step in the consumption of coffee. You can hear mimes. You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly. You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before. You keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!" even though you are the only one in the room. Your heart beats in 7/8 time. You can skip without a rope. You can travel without moving. Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition. You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies. You begin to talk to yourself,then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty row over it,lose,and refuse to speak to yourself for the rest of the night. You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-12-2003 01:20 PM                        Rated G Dave in Ohio When confronted by a difficult problem,you can slove it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-12-2003 01:23 PM                        Rated G Anne There is a new term now for a dreaded syndrome that women have been putting up with for centuries. It is called S.S.M.E.S. or Smease. It stands for Super Sensitive Male Ego Syndrome. Got any in your house?  |  IP: Logged

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