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Author
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Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-10-2004 08:31 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Michele
A visitor from Buffalo was strolling along the California surf one morning.During his walk he came upon a fellow,fishing pole
clutched in his hands,sound asleep against the side of a huge
coastal rock.Just then the pole began to jerk violently.
"Hey,there!" cried the visitor as he roused the fisherman."Look out there! You have a bite."
"So I do," yawned the drowsy one glancing out at the water."If
you don't mind,will you pull in the line for me?" The visitor,
somewhat surprised, did as he was requested.
"Now,mister," continued the fisherman,"put some fresh bait on
the hook and cast the line out for me." Again the visitor
complied.
After doing so he turned to the lazy angler."You know," he
declared,"anyone as lazy as you ought to get married and have a
son to do these things for him."
"That's a good idea," beamed the fisherman. "Know where I could
find a pregnant woman?" ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-10-2004 08:34 PM
Rated G
Mensa pickup lines
Towards what end does a substantially empathetic demoiselle such
as yourself inhabit a locus such as this?
What say we skip this nerd-fest and hit an all-night symposium on Euclidean Geometry?
Perchance, would you be inclined to participate, at my domicile,
sans apparel, in a modicum of copulation?
It doesn't take a genius to see how gorgeous you are, but if it
did, I'd be overqualified.
You'll have to excuse me -- Your presence excites me beyond all
capacity for cognitive discourse.
You must be tired,because you've been running quadratic equations through my mind all night.
That tape on your glasses really sets off your eyes.
According to Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle of Quantum
Mechanics, we may already be making love right now.
If I were to mention to you that you have a bellus corpus, would
you take umbrage?
I bet your brain stem reaches almost down to your gluteus maximus.
Ooohh, your IQ is 145? I like 'em dumb and strong!
By visually measuring the wrinkles in the front of your pants,
calculating your body mass based on your height and weight,and
dividing that number by your waist size -- I conclude that you
have absolutely nothing in your pocket and are,in fact,
glad to see me.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-10-2004 09:02 PM
Rated G B.B.
I overhead this radio check being conducted between patrols in the jungle."Eeny,meeny,miny,mo,how do you read my radio?"
Not to be outdone,the operator on the other end replied, "Fe, fi,fo,fum,loud and clear with a little hum."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-11-2004 10:26 AM
Rated G Michele
Sunday dinner with my mother Louise,my father Fred,and my three siblings were always lively.On one occasion all of us, except my
mother were in a silly mood and we began requesting,in rhyme,
items at the table."Please pass the meat, Pete."
"May I have a peas, Louise?"
"I'd give you the moon for a spoon."
After several minutes of this, my mother had heard enough."Stop this nonsense now!" she shouted."It's Sunday,and I would like to enjoy my dinner with some good conversation,and not all this
chatter."
Then she sat down, still in a huff, turned to my father and
snapped,"Please pass the bread, Fred."
She was not amused when we all burst out laughing.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-11-2004 08:35 PM
Rated xxx
Ruminations
When the guys laugh at me for volunteering at the women's mental
health clinic I just shrug it off.But when they tell me I'm
fucking nuts,I have to smile, because then I know they understand.(J. Murphy)
You can divide people into two groups: the part severed above the waist,and the part severed below. (Kim Moser)
I just bought myself a pair of mood underwear.When I'm ecstatic,they glow pink. When I'm terrified,a brown strip appears down the middle. (Duxall Inarow)
My girlfriend loves to do it doggy style.I'd probably like it,
too, if it wasn't for the part where she humps the mailman.(Junter)
My pet goldfish was sick, so I decided to take him to the vet --
but unfortunately,he died on the way there.Maybe I didn't
put enough air holes in the box. (Kevin Freels)
I came up with a great cardio routine that's action-packed, always different and never gets boring.I call it "Kick a Stranger." (John Gephart IV)
The other day,I tried some Kentucky jelly.It didn't taste very
good,but it sure does make the peanut butter go down real easy.
(G. Landess)
Kobe Bryant has let a lot of people down,but none more than Wilt
Chamberlain.Dude notched 20,000 bootknocks without a single
complaint,and Kobe can't even freak into the double digits.
(Jim Rosenberg)
It just isn't fair.I never had any juvenile impulses at all
until after I was old enough to be tried as an adult.(Andy Ihnatko)
I've learned not to ask my mother for advice. She really should
have clarified that whole "prey/pray" thing before the shootout
with the cops started. (Kremben)
I can sum up the next BIG thing in four words: Silly String Cat
Food.Oh yeah,baby,I would give up my Nintendo for a piece of
that! (Brad Osberg)
Sure,they talk a big game about how their hiring practices don't
discriminate based on sexual orientation -- but you should have
seen how quickly my flower shop job interview ended when I let
slip I was a florasexual. (George MacMillan)
Saying something over and over again doesn't make it true --
unless,of course,you're saying,"I'm obnoxious and repetitive."
(Kremben)
With the advances in cosmetic surgery and dentistry,if a man
finds that beautiful blonde with gorgeous teeth and a perfect
figure,he should postpone all thoughts of marriage until he's
considered the investment he'll have to make in his brown-haired,flat-chested,hawk-nosed,snaggletoothed daughters.
(Andrea Jacobson)
I cried because I had no shoes,then I met a man whom life had
given lemons. (Chuck Sawyer)
Last night I had a dream that I was on the $100,000 Pyramid and
Betty White was my partner.In the final round,she said,"Cheese
grater ... potato peeler... food processor..." and all I could
think to answer was "Things I wish I hadn't put so close to my
genitalia." (Scott Carpenter)
Finally!!Someone invented a digital level and Home Depot has
them on sale.The days of pulling my hair out trying to decipher
the bubble on those old analog models is over!!
(Michelle Argabrite)
Whenever I feel sorry for myself,I think,"There are a lot of
people much worse off than I." You'd be surprised how comforting
it can be to know that someone somewhere is suffering.(Tom Sims)
If I were a virgin back in the days when they sacrificed virgins
to their gods,I'd probably want to be known as the dirty slut
girl.Gods never seem to want to date dirty slut girls.
(Luna Daisy)
I've decided it's time for me to get a dog.Not because I really
want a pet,but rather because I'm tired of going to jail for
leaving "presents" on the lawns of people I don't like.
(Shane M. Anthony)
So it turns out that "She's on the can. Do you want to wait?" is
somehow not an "appropriate" thing to say on the phone. Women are so picky. (Ben Gillihan)
I never understood this "shirt and shoes required" thing.You'd
think that pants should be required and underwear would be an
absolute necessity. (Kevin Freels)
Take it from me,it's always bad news when you hear "Whoops!"
while you're at the barber shop -- especially if *you* said it and it involves what you've been doing under that little smock.
(Steiner Sellers)
The only things in life that you can't avoid are death and taxes. And an occasional pedestrian. (Perry Friedman)
If I were a midget used-car dealer,my motto would be "You can
trust me as far as you can throw me." (Carly Turow)
It's nice to be proven right.The very first time I saw "Predator,
" I said to myself, "You know, any one of these guys would make a great governor." (Jim Ross)
When you want to end a particularly annoying sales call,try
yelling,"Do you realize it's THREE in the morning here?!"It
doesn't work as well though,if you're the one who placed the call.(Kim Moser)
Watching The Usual Suspects" this evening,I was struck by how
odd it is that everyone I know was so surprised by the ending. I knew who Keyser Soze was almost from the beginning -- though that wasn't the case the first two times I saw the movie.
(Charles Gulledge)
If there's one thing I hate,it's clay figurines shaped like heads
or animals with herbs growing on them.Chia pet peeve.(Bob Van Voris)
I had a tough day down at the sewage treatment plant today.
Different shit,different day. (Dave Bloyer)
If you ever have a dream that a really hot woman is tonguing your ear,but you awaken to realize that you were just lying in a puddleof your own drool,you'll probably feel better if you go ahead and masturbate anyway.(Matt Maynard)
Something seems odd about brushing my teeth after lunch while my
coworker, Dan, is seated just a few feet away, relieving himself.
Maybe it's because we're in the supply room. (Raygun)
I may not be able to buy happiness, but I still want the money.
(Scott Ventura)
About that infinite monkey/infinite typewriter thing... do monkeys get carpal tunnel syndrome? 'Cause I'm not springing for bananas AND disability insurance.(Luke Schollmeyer)
If I was Lance Armstrong,I would change my name to Lance Legstrong.(Angus Ewing)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-14-2004 11:01 AM
Rated G
25 ways to leave your lover...
Leave up the lid, Sid.
Throw his clothes on the lawn, Dawn.
Keep wetting the bed, Fred.
Stab her and a waiter after nightfall, Orenthal.
Send her to Capitol Hill, Bill.
Tell him you prefer your battery-operated toy, Joy.
Put on her teddy, Eddie.
Vote him off the show, Flo.
Throw a toaster in the tub, Bub.
Find another Cruz, Cruise.
Stop taking your Paxil, Axl.
Tell him you're really a man, Jan.
Tell her you're attracted to men, Ben.
Tell her about her odor, Fyodor.
Have an affair with an intern, Vern.
Call her a skank, Hank.
Dump her on "Springer," Klinger.
Marry her off to another wacko, Jacko.
Keep saying, "Dude, you're not gettin' a Dell!" Adele.
Dress like a girl, Merle.
Say she looks fat in those pants, Lance.
Tell her Ashcroft won't let you leave, Steve.
Run off with her mother, Strother.
Bust a cap in her kitty, P. Diddy.
Add small quantities of mercury to her dinner every night over a
period of several years,making her slowly,but surely,insane.
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