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Author
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Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-21-2004 08:03 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
The Church Gossip...how sweet it is!
Sarah, the church gossip, busy-body and self-appointed arbiter ofthe church morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members of the church were unappreciative of her activites, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member,of being an alcholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house...and left it there all night. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-22-2004 06:05 AM
Rated G Jenny in Tarrytown
Never having learned to ride a bicycle as a child,I finally
decided to do it in my late twenties. My boyfriend,William,
offered to teach me,and we headed to the park for my first lesson.
He held on to the seat as I wobbled down a path.My self
consciousness was just beginning to disappear when I saw a father,teaching his little daughter to ride a bike,approaching.
As we passed,I was mortified when William said to the dad, "They grow up so fast,don't they?"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-22-2004 06:41 AM
Rated PG Ed in Aurora, Ont.
A cleaning lady was applying for a new position.
When asked why she left her last employment,she replied,"Well, Sir, they paid good wages,but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked!"
They played a game called Bridge,and last night a lot of folks were there.
As I was about to bring in refreshments,I heard a man say,"Lay down and let's see what you've got."Another man said,"I've got strength but no length." Another man says to the lady,"Take your hand off my trick!"
I pretty near dropped dead just then,when the lady answered,
"You jumped me twice when you didn't even have the strength for one raise!" Another lady was talking about protecting her honor, and two other ladies were talking and one said, "Now it's time for me to play with your husband,and you can play with mine."
Well,I just got my hat and coat,and as I was leaving,I hope to die if one of them didn't say,"Well,I guess we'll go home now, this is the last rubber."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-23-2004 06:00 AM
Rated G
Farting with style takes practice,
Perfection takes time; it's a gift,
You've first got to learn all the basics,
Like pushing one out in a lift.
Those silent but violent are classics,
With friends it's a really good game,
Fart in a crowd at a party,
Then watch to see who gets the blame.
Now once your technique has been mastered,
You'll know what your bottom can do,
But ALWAYS remember - don't push too hard,
Because one day you might follow through !!!!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-24-2004 07:44 AM
Rated G Groaner's
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was asalted.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was great.
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
Two cows were standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you,"said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" Exclaimed Daisy.
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have alook at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
A man came to the hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms".
I went to a seafood disco rave last week and pulled a mussel.
A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the
doc. "It's... um...well... I have five penises" replies the man. Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos.
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Gordon McLeod
Film God
Posts: 9532
From: Toronto Ontario Canada
Registered: Jun 99
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posted 01-25-2004 02:23 PM
rated g
Top 14 Signs Your Execution Isn't Going Very Well........
14. The poison gas is bad enough, but pumping laughing gas into the
audience chamber is just plain cruel!
13. The anti capital punishment demonstrators are carrying signs
reading "Okay, but just this once."
12. Wacky guards post sign outside your cell: Elevation = - 6 feet
11. At the last minute, the governor calls, but only to ask if you
have Prince Albert in a can.
10. They assure you "Old Sparky" isn't acting up, but still arrange
burgers on your head.
9. The firing squad consists of Ted Nugent, Charlton Heston, Barry
Switzer, Granny Clampett, Elmer Fudd, Wile E. Coyote, and Yosemite
Sam.
8. That burning smell doesn't mean they ruined the steak.
7. The electric chair operator asks you to turn over so they can do
the other side.
6. Guitar-carrying executioner says not to worry, he'll be "killing
you softly with his song".
5. You wake to a muffled voice saying, "Let's get the dirt back in
there and call it a day!"
4. The State Supreme Court Golf Tournament is scheduled for day of
your execution.
3. The jolt from the electric chair only manages to give you "Don
King hair."
2. In the viewing room, Martha Stewart's little gingerbread
electric chair cookies are getting more attention than you are.
and the Number 1 Sign Your Execution Isn't Going Well...
1. Despite what the paperwork says, there's apparently no such
thing as "Lethal Erection."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-27-2004 05:33 AM
Rated G ED in Aurora,Ont.
OBITUARY
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend by the name of Common Sense who has been with us for many years.No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain,why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple,sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies(adults, not kids, are in charge).
His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.
Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate;teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch;and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student,only worsened his condition.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student;but,could not inform the parent when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Finally,Common sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses;and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot,she spilled a bit in her lap,and was awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust,his wife,Discretion; his daughter,Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
He is survived by two stepbrothers;My Rights and Ima Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
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