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Author
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Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-16-2003 09:20 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Michele
The visiting American was quite upset by his sudden drop in
popularity. During his first two weeks in England,he had been
invited everywhere,feted and entertained.Now,quite suddenly,his phone no longer jingled and no invitations crowded his mailbox.
Perplexed,he called his friend,Reginald."Reggie,you can speak
frankly with me,what's happened? I'm being virtually ostracized."
Well,old boy,"Reggie replied,"you remember that fox hunt you
went on last weekend? Here in England it's customary to cry '
Tally-ho!' when you sight the fox-- NOT..."There goes the little son of a bitch!" ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-16-2003 09:30 AM
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif) Michele
Camping by the Colorado River,a woman was surprised to see a man rowing down the river screaming,"No! No! No!" Spotting another woman down the shore,she ran over.
"Say," she said quickly, "shouldn't we do something to help that
man? He seems to be in distress."
The other woman looked up, her expression placid."Oh, he's my
husband,and he's just fine."
"If he's fine,then why is he rowing down the river screaming
'no'?"
The other woman smiled."During the week he's a corporate 'yes'
man."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-17-2003 07:30 AM
Rated G Michele
What If The Peanuts Gang Grew Up?
Most cartoon characters remain frozen in time.Though they've been around almost 50 years, the members of the Peanuts gang are in some unspecified elementary school holding pattern.But what if they had been allowed to age like the rest of us?
Charlie Brown:
Operates Good Grief Counseling Inc., which specializes in manic
depressives and people who are just having a bad day.Moonlights
as a pitching coach at high school and college levels.Married to Marcie.They have a round headed son who wears glasses.
Linus:
Developer of Security Blanket Software,which is a hot item on the New York Stock Exchange.Worth millions,but is actively involved in charitable causes,including the Great Pumpkin 5K Fun Run everyHalloween.Only man who makes Bill Gates nervous.
Lucy:
Serving her seventh term in Congress.On her third husband. Claims she hasn't thought about Schroeder in years,but the background music on her answering machine is Beethoven.
Schroeder:
After years on the classical performing circuit,he runs a piano
bar in Carmel,Calif.Won't let anybody lean on his piano.
Sally:
Never quite got over being spurned by Linus.Has a cat named Sweet
Baboo.Sells Mary Kay.
Peppermint Patty:
Women's athletic director at a Midwest university.Her fashion
credo: "Sandals go with everything."
Snoopy:
In dog years,he'd be 350.What do you think would've happened to
him? Linus created an endowment at Daisy Hill Puppy farm in
Snoopy's memory.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-17-2003 07:49 AM
Rated G Lorraine
CATS AND TEENAGERS:
For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers,or are a teenager,you may want to know why they really have a lot in
common with cats:
1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
2. No matter what you do for them,it is not enough.Indeed,all
humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.
3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being,and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat
nor your teen will ever crack a smile.
5. No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.
6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.
7. Cats have nine lives.Teenagers carry on as if they did.
8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner,
communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete
and utter boredom.
9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.
10.Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.
Thus,if you must raise teenagers,the best sources of advice are
not other parents,but veterinarians.It is also a good idea to
keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction.When they make up their minds,they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort,and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-17-2003 07:55 AM
Rated G Lorraine
SHAKESPEARE:
Shakespeare wrote a science fiction story about interplanetary
travel.Perhaps you've heard of it."The Martian of Venus."
And there was the one about the seasonal office worker who had a
bladder problem, "The Temp Pissed."
A little known story set a billiard parlour where the proprietor
has to place little wedges of wood under the tables to keep them
level."The Shimming of the True."
Of course there was the Shakespeare story about a soldier who
went out on a drinking binge in July. "A Midsummer Knight's Dram."
In the sequel he became an alcoholic and was deeply in debt to a
prison in Illinois."Rummy Owin' Joliet."
Shakespeare also wrote a several sequels to Othello. In one, the
Moor had his hair done up in dreadlocks."Much knotting about a
do."
The third in the series has Othello returning to his homeland and instead of waving goodbye to his many friends,he simply offers discrete gestures of his head."Much Nodding About Adieu."
And of course there was the one where Othello became a butcher and peddled deer meat from a cart he pushed up & down the street. "The Moor Chants of Venison."
Of course, you have forgotten the play about the fuss over a man
who fell asleep in meetings, "Much Ado About Nodding."
And the one about the great fuss over macrame in the Middle
Ages, "Much Ado About Knotting."
In another, Shakespeare celebrated the famous cooking of Lucy's
younger brother: "Curry o' Linus."
And what about the play about the old Roman drunkard,"Tight As
Andronicus?"
Not to mention the play about a lover's dinner in a fancy
restaurant,"Romy Owed & Julie Et."
In case you want to know what each had for dinner, the sequel
talks about her salad: "Julie Ate Caesar."
In another play, Shakespeare celebrated a different royal throne,the "King's John."
What about the play in which Shakespeare describes the agonies of the faithful man who finds he has been cuckolded,"The Shaming ofthe True?"
In another play,Shakespeare foreshadowed the last words spoken to the famous scout Christopher Carson, when he asked how and wherehe would die: "As You Lie, Kit."
Then there was the famous play about the aged man who vainly tried to eke out a living cutting grass, "Old Fellow, the Mower of Venice."
What about his play about an early track star in search of
athletic equipment,"A Pair o' Cleats?"
In another play, Shakespeare details the results of an early dog
show for poodles in which the winner was determined by the
haircut on his nether regions:"The Winner's Tail."
And then there was the play about the spouses of a man known for
slicing up women he found objectionable, "The Wary Wives of
Mincer."
Another play about life in Elizabethan times detailed the lives of those who had the choice to gather in pubs and drink at night,or to face the sanitation problems in London of that day:"FilthNight, or What You Swill."
Yet another play detailed the Jewish hostess's efforts to get her guests to eat: "Some Blini?"
There was the sequel to the Othello sequel in which he's back for moor action as a hairdresser who specializes in straightening curly hair, "Kink Clear".
Shakespeare dabbled in writing agricultural guides,such as his
work on the care of young pigs,"Hamlettes".
Then there was the collaboration between Shakespeare and
Nostrodamos.Looking into the future they saw a play about a
member of the royal family who wished to go to the New World and
play baseball.The Royal Comedy of Outfield Errors would be
called "Dream A Knight's Summer Mitt".
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 11-17-2003 08:36 AM
Rated G Michele
Commercial Slogans & their real meaning...
"A diamond is forever."
~Which is *exactly* how long you'll be hearing about it from the
wife if you don't cough up the green for some ice, pal.
"Built Ford tough."
~It's an American version of tough; not *really* tough, like
German cars are tough.
"I can't believe it's not butter!"
~Being around Fabio, for even a few seconds, makes you dumb as a
post.
"Pork; the other white meat."
~When Heston starts screaming that it's people,don't say we didn't warn you.
"An Army of one."
~Can't be gay all by yourself, can ya?
"A diamond says you'd marry her all over again."
~You're too classy for a $50 hooker every week.
"Have it your way."
~Think of us as your personal hamburger whore.
"Just Do It."
~We know you'll never get off the couch lard-ass; just buy the
friggin' shoes.
"The new way to office."
~The half-assed way to slogan.
"It's so chunky, you'll be tempted to eat it with a fork."
~Those damn slicing machines are still dumping way too many body
parts in our soups!
"Must-see TV!"
~Yeah, what else are you gonna do, Shakespeare? Read?!
"Calgon,take me away!"
~I've got my Mr. Showerhead poised for action.
"Like a rock."
~God knows we weren't selling many pickups with that Boy George
tune.
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