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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-16-2003 06:14 PM                        Rated G One of my first evenings back from overseas, my girl's understanding parents left us alone in the living room. Naturally, we did not talk all the time. In the midst of a kiss, I noticed her little sister in her nightgown watching us from the doorway. "If you will be a good girl and go to bed, I will give you a quarter," I said to her. Without taking the bribe or saying a word, she ran off but soon was back again. "Here is a dollar," she said. "I wanna watch."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-17-2003 02:00 PM                        Rated G Tom in South Carolina I drove by the fire department the other day,and they had a big public awareness sign thatread, "Are your house numbers visible?" I thought, "Who the hell cares? How about you just stop at the house that's on fire?!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-19-2003 07:18 AM                        Rated R Anonymous Author One drink is my limit Two at the very most Three I'm under the table Four I'm under the host!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-20-2003 06:44 AM                        Rated G Hooters Travel Expands to Rental Cars ATLANTA, GA (AheadOfNews.com) - Hooters of America surprised nearly everyone when it announced the creation of Hooters Air this spring, which had its inaugural flight on March 9, between Atlanta and the popular golf destination, Myrtle Beach, SC. Most major airlines are either in bankruptcy already or struggling to avoid it, so industry analysts have been baffled that Hooters chose this time and this industry to expand its franchise. "Tiny orange shorts and tight white tank tops may be good for the restaurant business," says analyst Marsha Glint, "but it's hard to see how huge breasts are going to get people flying again." Now Hooters is adding car rental in the cities that its airline reaches - Atlanta, Newark, Myrtle Beach, and Baltimore. Company spokesperson Buffy Gilchrest says that Hooters Car Rental has the same spirit of fun and good times that the rest of the company is famous for. "Rather than boring old Ford Tauruses and Mercury Sables, we've got Mercedes and BMWs and Miatas," says Gilchrest. "We want our customers to have fun, and Hooters Car Rental is just another way of making that happen." One other difference is immediately obvious, too, says Gilchrest. "All of our cars have bras."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-20-2003 07:11 AM                        Rated G "There are two million illiterates in America and everyday a vast majority of them give out directions at gas stations"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-20-2003 07:20 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Jane's father decided to take all the family out to a restaurant for a meal.As he'd spent quite a lot of money for the meal,he said to the waiter, "Could I have a bag to take the leftovers home for the dog?" "Gosh!" exclaimed Jane, "Are we getting a dog?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-20-2003 07:32 AM                        Rated G Lars asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian and a canoe?" "No, I don't," said Ole. "A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-20-2003 07:39 AM                        Rated G Alex A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium.He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz,the famous Talmudic scholar?" "No," replied the guide. "It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer." "Never heard of him. What did he write?" "A check", replied the guide.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-20-2003 07:45 AM                        Rated G A little compact car smashed into the rear of Cohen's Cadillac as he made a left turn. The driver of the little car was furious."Why didn't you put out your hand?" he demanded. "What's the point?" shrugged Cohen. "If you can't see my Cadillac,how could you see my hand?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-20-2003 08:04 AM                        Rated G Baby Blues ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT Are you lonesome tonight? Does your tummy feel tight? Did you bring your mylanta and tums? Does your memory stray, To that bright sunny day, When you had all your teeth and your gums? Is your hairline receding? Your eyes growing dim? Hysterectomy for her, And its prostate for him. Does your back give you pain? Do your knees predict rain? Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight? Is your blood pressure up? Good cholesterol down? Are you eating your low fat cuisine? All that oat bran and fruit, Metamucil to boot. Helps you run like A well oiled machine. If it's football or baseball, He sure knows the score. Yes, he knows where it's at But forgets what it's for. So your gallbladder's gone, But your gout lingers on, Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight? When you're hungry, he's not, When you're cold, he is hot, Then you start that old thermostat war. When you turn out the light, He goes left and you go right, Then you get his great symphonic snore. He was once so romantic, So witty and smart; How did he turn out to be such A cranky old fart? So don't take any bets, It's as good as it gets, Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight? Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis has left the building...  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-20-2003 08:11 AM                        Rated G Lorraine THE HOUSE BEHIND THE HOUSE: One of my bygone recollections, as I recall the days of yore is the little house,behind the house,with the crescent o'er the door. 'Twas a place to sit and ponder with your head bowed down so low,knowing that you wouldn't be there,if you didn't have to go. Ours was a three-holer,with a size for every one.You left there feeling better after the job was done. You had to make these frequent trips, whether snow, rain, sleet, or fog, to the little house where you sat and read the Sears Roebuck catalog. Oft times in dead of winter the seat was covered with snow.'Twas then with much reluctance to the little house you'd go. With a swish you'd clear the seat, bend low and, with shivers in mind, you'd blink your eyes and grit your teeth as you sat on your behind. I recall the day that Granddad, who stayed with us one summer, made a trip to the shanty which proved to be a hummer. 'Twas the same day my Dad finished painting the kitchen green. He'd just cleaned up the mess he'd made with rags and gasoline. He tossed the rags in the shanty hole and went on his usual way, not knowing that by doing so he would eventually rue the day. Now Granddad had an urgent call; I never will forget! This trip he made to the little house lingers in my memory yet. He sat down on the shanty seat, with both feet on the floor, then filled his pipe with tobacco and struck a match on the outhouse door. As he took a long puff on his pipe, he slowly raised his behind, tossed the flaming match in the open hole, with not a worry on his mind. The blast that followed,I am sure was heard for miles around; and there was poor ol' Granddad just sitting on the ground. The smoldering pipe was still in his mouth, his suspenders he held tight; the celebrated three-holer was blown clear out of sight. When we asked him what had happened, his answer I'll never forget.He thought it must of been something he had et! Next day we had a new one which my Dad built with ease. With a sign on the entrance door which read: No smoking, Please! Now that's the end of the story, with memories of long ago, of the little house, behind the house where we went cause we had to go.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-20-2003 09:30 AM                        Rated G Desert Pipeline Almost Finished BUZZARD, NV (AheadOfNews.com) - A pipeline connecting two remote desert crossroads is nearing completion. Workers have finished laying 399 miles of the 401-mile pipe, according to Pipe Consortium spokesperson Lucy Spigot. Something could flow through the 30-inch diameter pipe as early as September, she said. The two towns, with a combined population of about 50, have always lacked a connecting pipeline. Officials from private companies involved in the project view this lack of a pipe as an obstacle to commerce. They are counting on the project to boost growth and create jobs. "In the desert, a pipeline is vastly more efficient than a canal," Spigot said. "It represents the best way to ship something from Buzzard to Toad Flats." Consortium board members will meet later this week to discuss what the pipeline could possibly carry.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-20-2003 09:49 AM                        Rated G I was with my boss going up in the elevator.The guard was sleeping so my boss tapped him and said "Wake up!" and the guard didn't. Later he opened his eyes and did the sign of the cross and said "Amen. ...Sir I was praying." The boss in return said "Sorry!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-20-2003 11:45 AM                        Rated G Who makes the coffee at your house? Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee? Yup, it's in the Bible! It says............. "HEBREWS!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-21-2003 06:25 AM                        Rated PG "NEXT," the conference emcee announced, "we have the chief of the Minnesota State Patrol,Roger Ledding,who is here with his lovely wife, Beverly." The chief took his place at the lectern. "I'm a little nervous," he began, "getting up before this distinguished audience and speaking today. But not nearly as nervous as I will be tonight when I must go home with my wife,Audrey, and explain Beverly to her!"  |  IP: Logged

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