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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-07-2003 06:37 AM                        Rated G A DJ was introducing a record. "This next one," he said, "is for Charlotte Burke, who is a hundred and eleven. Hey, Charlotte,congratulations on a ripe old age!" There was a short pause and then the DJ said in a somewhat more subdued voice " This is for Charlotte Burke,who is ill." [ 05-09-2003, 07:07 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-07-2003 06:49 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Always decide not to decide,unless of course you decide to change your mind.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-07-2003 07:01 AM                        Rated R Something to offend everyone 1. What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. 2. What's the best form of birth control after 50? Nudity. 3. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 pounds 4. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes. 5. How many women does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch. 6. What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. 7. Why are men and parking spaces alike? Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled. 8. What have men and floor tiles got in common? If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life. 9. Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. 10. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. 11. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. 12. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. 13. What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm. 14. What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. 15. Why does the bride always wear white? Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator. 16. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in sixth grade. Who has the biggest boobs? The blonde because she's 18!! 17. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your Mom. 18. How do you know when you're really ugly? Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed. 19. How do you know when you're leading a sad life? When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends." 20. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls. 21. What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts? Her navel. 22. What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A Bingo Machine. 23. Why did God create alcohol? So ugly people could have sex too. 24. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?" 25. What three two-letter words mean small? "Is It In?" 26. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you. 27. If you are having sex with two women and one more walks in, what do you have? Divorce proceedings most likely. 28. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Tasmania? Everyone has the same DNA. 29. Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby? They named him Sum Ting Wong. 30. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. 31. What does it mean when the flag at a US Post Office is flying at half mast? They're hiring. 32. What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common? Men miss them all. 33. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. 35. Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo." 36. What do you call a New Zealand farmer with a sheep under arm? A Pimp. 37. What's the difference between a Japanese zoo, and an Australian zoo? A Japanese zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage, along with a recipe.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-07-2003 10:14 AM                        Rated G Local Resident Explains Fall of Rome FAR CORNER, IN (AheadOfNews.com) - A local resident may have solved one of the most contentious issues in ancient history, the cause of the Fall of the Roman Empire. Scholars generally agree that the once-mighty empire crumbled slowly, beginning in the late second century. By 395 A.D., the empire split into an eastern half based in Constantinople and a western half based in Rome. In 476 A.D., the last of the Roman Caesars was dethroned, and Germanic kingdoms took over. Historians, politicians, philosophers, and others have advanced many reasons to explain the Fall. These include public apathy, high taxes, slavery, bad poetry, inflation, paternalism, the high cost of bridge maintenance, plague, greed, a taste for brutal spectacle, foreign mercenaries, sex, eastern religions, a low minimum wage, civil war, and despotism. However none of these is relevant, according to Chester Ivy, 1116 Rural St., who has been reading a lot about Rome. "The real reason was them famous seven hills," he said in a recent interview. "You got your Palatine, your Aventine, your Capitolium, your Quirinal, your Viminal, your Esquiline, and then you got your Caelian hills, and it's all just too many. "Rome fell because it was built on hillsides. If they had just stuck to the flats, it would have had no place to fall."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-07-2003 10:25 AM                        Rated G Lorraine If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-07-2003 10:40 AM                        Rated PG Alex From the book Fuhgeddaboutit. How To Badda Boom,Badda Bing, And Find Your Inner Mobster.By Jon Macks (copyright) HOW TO DRESS LIKE A MOB GUY AND LOOK LIKE A MILLION The well dressed mobster of the 1970s is an anachronism in the year 2003.Frilly tuxedo shirts are out; however, there are a few items of fashion that never go out of style. Gold chains. Bulletproof vests. Moustaches. This is true for both mob men and mob women, although as a general observation,the moustaches of the men tend not to be as coarse and heavy. If you want to look like a mob guy, you don't want to look like a tourist from North Dakota. So the rule is simple: black suit, white shirt from Labor Day till the end of May. If you want to be a success, you have to dress for success. There is only one other rule: Never go outside without your pinky ring.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-08-2003 07:22 PM                        Rated G Three Men Vie for Honors in Beauty Pageant OTTUMWA, IA (AheadOfNews.com) - The Mister Wapello County Pageant is scheduled for 2 p.m. Thursday in the Rumpus Room of the Ottumwa Convention Center. According to a news release, three men will compete in the event, sponsored by the Wapello County Self-Improvement Club. Lovey Quill will be mistress of ceremonies. Boffo Links, an Iowa State University sophomore, will play the flutophone and eat a record number of pancakes during the talent portion of the pageant. He excels in the interview and wears a red bathing suit the size of a freckle. Douglas Huffing, a "smart dresser" from Davenport, will tap dance, whistle, and recite the Greek alphabet. His specialty is the dinner jacket portion of the pageant, and he also will appear in a blue bathing suit the size of a banjo string. Rex Curvature, a weight lifter from Sioux Falls, will yodel, hum, and give his impression of Abraham Lincoln in a brown study. He will also bench press 460 pounds while sporting a yellow bathing suit the size of a thumbtack. The winner will represent Wapello County in the Mister Iowa Pageant, scheduled in Mason City in July.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-08-2003 07:36 PM                        Rated PG Captain Silver Dreaming frees the soul,energizes the spirit and allows you to do things that would get your ass thrown in jail if you really tried them.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-08-2003 07:39 PM                        Rated PG Sue Bee A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of shopping at the mall. It was found by an honest little boy,who returned it to her. Looking in her purse,she commented,"Hmm,that's funny.When I lost my bag,there was a $20 bill in it.Now there are twenty $1 bills." The boy quickly replied,"That's right,lady.The last time I found a lady's purse,she didn't have any change for a reward."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-09-2003 06:57 AM                        Rated G Tidbits of Wit 'Grandparents: So easy to operate. Even a child can do it.' 'The only self cleaning thing in this house is the cat.' 'Families are like fudge mostly sweet with a few nuts.' If you had everything you wanted, would you still want it?? "England and America are two countries separated by the same language."~George Bernard Shaw Mechanic:"I couldn't repair your brakes,so I made the horn louder." When my father saw my report card,he said I was just like Abraham Lincoln,I went down in history. It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.~Tallulah Bankhead People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs. Days are expensive. When you spend a day you have one less day to spend.So make sure you spend each one wisely.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-09-2003 07:04 AM                        Rated G Everyone knows who Alexander Graham Bell was - - - He invented the telephone. But, Do you know who Alexander Graham Bellinski was? No? He was the first telephone Pole! (Now that's what I call pole-itically correct.!)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-09-2003 12:15 PM                        Rated G Lorraine The average person's life consists of 20 years of their mother asking them where they're going,40 years of having their spouse ask the same question and in the end, all the mourners wonder, too.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-09-2003 12:24 PM                        Rated G Betty WHAT NURSERY RHYME MOTHERS SAY Little Bo Peep, you are so irresponsible that you lost the sheep again. Tending to them was your chore so now you'll lose your allowance for two weeks. You better thank your lucky stars that they came home on their own. Mary, Mary, you are being quite contrary. Look at how your garden is overgrown with weeds. How do you expect to grow flowers in such a mess? Haven't I taught you better than that? Now find your garden tools and get busy. Jack, I told you to sit in the corner for being a bad boy. Instead you had to sneak into the kitchen and stick your thumb in my freshly baked pie pulling out all the plums. You have totally ruined my pie and you'll not get a bedtime snack. Cat, how many times do I have to tell you to go to the barn and chase mice? Instead you took out your fiddle and made so much noise that the cow jumped over the moon and now the milk is curdled. There will be no milk for supper. Okay, I heard the clock strike hickory dickory dock. You have been warned and warned if you run up that clock one more time at 1:00 a.m. there will be no more cheese and crackers. Now stay off that clock. Humpty Dumpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo! You are such a stubborn hard shell that you'll just have to live with your cracked shell. Itsy Bitsy, are you deaf? I told you not to climb that water spout again? Don't you remember what happened the last time it rained? Next time I'm not going to catch you and you can just drown. Okay, Jack and Jill, you just had to climb that hill after being told I had plenty of water. Now you come to me whining and complaining about skinned knees and elbows after tumbling down. I don't want to hear your complaints. If you think you are big enough to climb that hill, then you are big enough to get your own bandages. So Jack, you got your bottom burned again! Now I have to patch the hole in your pants for the third time. You knew the candle was hot but you just had to jump over it one more time. You've been told over and over again not to play with fire as you are not as quick as you think your are. Boy Blue, if you blow that horn one more time I'm going to throw it in the trash. You have scared the sheep in the meadow and now the cows won't eat their corn. To make matters worse I find you sleeping under a haystack. Mary, you have been told a hundred times not to take that lamb to school. All it does is disrupt the class and has all the boys and girls giggling. The teacher said one more time and you will be sent to the principals office. Your punishment at home will be no computer for a week. Bad Kitties. You just wait until your dad gets home. You know you are supposed to put your mittens in your coat pocket so they won't get lost. I'm not buying anymore so your paws will just have to freeze. Oh stop your weeing. You could have gone to the market with your brothers but you chose to stay home and play. Now you're complaining because you didn't get a toy. Well, let me tell you, not only did you not get a toy but tonight there will be no roast beef for cry babies. Well, look at you with no tails. You were warned about the farmers wife and her sharp knife but you just had to sneak out of bed and go looking for a midnight snack. Not only are you blind but now you have no tails. I've never seen such a sight in my life.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-09-2003 12:34 PM                        Rated G Lorraine WORDS TO PONDER: 1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes. 2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. 3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (candy) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs. 4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater. 5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug. 6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side. 7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper. 8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer. 9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it. 10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-09-2003 12:36 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee Some guy will make a million dollars if he can invent a pop-top beer can that his wife can't hear open.  |  IP: Logged

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