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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-04-2003 03:23 PM                        Rated G Sunday May 4, 2003: Aires (March 21 to April 19) In a rather bizarre and unfortunate turn of events today, your lips will go ballistic. Shortly thereafter, your Ziggy Marley accent will kick in. You will be comforted to know that those are simply the first two signs of a "spaz attack", which is more common than most people realize, and usually non-fatal. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) It will occur to you that there may be something behind the heroic and daring exploits of people in commercials for snack foods. You are absolutely right - in fact, snack foods can be dangerous if over-indulged in. I once wrestled a giant anaconda after downing a bag of Ranch flavored potato chips and a Hostess HoHo. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good time to learn to play the harmonica. If you get one of those coat hanger thingies to hang around your neck, you can even play it while you're typing! Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will go into the prosthetic forehead business, having heard that everyone wants a prosthetic forehead to wear on their real forehead. It would be a good idea to do your own market research, in this case, before sinking all your savings in this venture. Leo (July 23 - August 22) The bad news is, you're competing for that new job with a Hindu goddess. The good news is, if you think YOU have trouble figuring out what to do with your hands during an interview... Virgo (August 23 - September 22) While poring over some old historical documents, you will discover that the Norman invasion was actually supposed to be the "Bob" invasion, but Norman stole the credit for it. Sadly, it will turn out to be too late to change it now. Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will turn over a new leaf. Good for you! We were all getting a little tired of you, you know, as you were. Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Noodle day, today! Have you tried some of those new "fresh" tomato-basil linguinies? Of course not. But today, you will! Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) A person wearing a bandana on his head and brandishing a cutlass will dash by you today, saying something that sounds a bit like "Arrrr". Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) If you want someone to change, it's often good to give them a painful option and a less painful option, and let them choose their own course. For example, "Do you want to pick up you own wet towel, dear, or would you like to have a live weasel stapled to your leg?" Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will find yourself wondering why a shampoo that "tingles" would be better at preventing dandruff than one which doesn't. It's that sort of intellectual undertaking which has earned you your well-deserved reputation. Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Too much "musk" in that cologne - don't try it. Or if you do, bring along a few carrots for the moose.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-04-2003 03:48 PM                        Rated G I bought a package of low fat cookies that had 50% more cookies in the box than usual,so if I ate the whole box,I would gain more weight than if it was a regular size box of cookies. They should call these types of cookies "Hi-Fats" cause that's what everyone's going to say when I walk in to the room.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-04-2003 03:57 PM                        Rated PG When my neighbor proudly told me he was surprising his new wife with a horse for her birthday,I asked what kind of horses she liked to ride. He said he wasn't sure,but she could probably ride about anything since she had worked several years at the Mustang Ranch out in Nevada.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-04-2003 03:59 PM                        Rated G Words of Wisdom from Baby Blues Adam to Eve: I'll wear the plants in this family! Anytime is a goodtime to start something...but next to yesterday you can't beat today. The only fellow whose problems are all behind him is a school bus driver If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a thoroughbred,she will never be an old nag. "Pray" is a four-letter word you can say anywhere - except in public schools. Never argue with a woman when she's tired. Or rested. Blue jeans: Very depressed chromosomes.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-04-2003 04:10 PM                        Rated G REAL NEWSPAPER ADS: Snow blower for sale... Only used on snowy days. Wire mesh butchering gloves:1 5-finger,1 3-finger,pair: $15 Cows, calves never bred... Also 1 gay bull for sale. Full sized mattress.20 yr.Warranty.Like new.Slight urine smell. Nordic track $300 hardly used, call chubby Georgia peaches California grown - 89 cents lb. Nice parachute: never opened - used once Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer & dryer $300. Open house: body shapers toning salon - free coffee & donuts:D  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-05-2003 08:05 AM                        Rated G Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-05-2003 08:28 PM                        Rated G Cities Threatened by Rivers That Don't Like Bays NEW ORLEANS, LA (AheadOfNews.com) - Residents of low-lying areas from St. Louis to New Orleans fled rising flood waters today as the Mississippi River continued to flow backwards. The huge river reversed direction early Sunday morning and has been surging north, inundating farms, roads, and villages in its flood plain. Hydraulic engineers and geologists expressed concern about potential damage from the flood. "New Orleans, Baton Rouge, and Memphis may soon go under," said Spuds Corkle, spokesman for the United States Geological Survey (USGS). "We don't think this will be good for them." He told reporters that historic flow reversals had generally occurred on the nation's streams only in connection with human engineering or catastrophic natural events such as earthquakes or mudslides. However, this flood is different. "We think that the river may be throwing a hissy fit because of all the pollution in the northern Gulf of Mexico," he said. "The river may simply not wish to swim in a low-oxygen dead zone." Though not yet widely accepted, Corkle's theory gained support overnight when the Susquehanna River in eastern Maryland began to flow backward in an apparent effort to avoid Chesapeake Bay.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-06-2003 06:14 AM                        Rated G Baby Blues Rules for living "I knocked several times, but you weren't in." - Opportunity The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.~Walter Bagehot Don't do whatever you like...Like whatever you do! Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself. Life is like an onion: you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep Three may keep a secret if two of them are dead. Duct tape is like The Force - it has a light side, a dark side, and is the stuff that holds the universe together. I was always complaining about the ruts in the road until I realized that the ruts are the road. Don't tell me what I can't do, tell me what I can do. Humor is a wonderful way to prevent a hardening of the attitudes.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-06-2003 06:19 AM                        Rated G BabyBlues Really, Really Bad Traffic Freeway congestion is getting so bad,you can change a tire without losing your place in line. All across the country rush hour traffic is bumper to bumper. The next thing they'll be selling is anti-perspirant to put under your car's fenders. Traffic is always heavy in both directions. There are just as many people trying to get to whatever you're trying to get away from. It's useless to print road maps anymore.You just get on the highway and go wherever the other cars take you. The only way to get home from work on time is to take the day off...even then, you're cutting it close. You can sit on the highways forever.In fact, some places have little exit ramps where you can pull over and make a car payment. During rush hour the only way you can change lanes is to buy or bribe the car driving next to you. Our highways have become insane asylums with turn signals.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-06-2003 06:31 AM                        Rated G ODE TO CHICKEN HEAD I used to buy the Cluck McNuggets, Cuz my kiddies really dug it, We would comb the chicken store, Buying chicken heads galore, Bringing home the plucky treats, Chicken heads are GOOD TO EAT! We would sit and suck the noggins, Happy, sharing, no one hoggin', We would munch them, fried and golden, Cuz the coating they were rolled in, Sealed in flavors really neat, Chicken heads are FUN TO EAT! Nowadays it makes us sad, Folks thinkin' chicken heads are bad, Puttin' down our chicken buddies, Wasting time on chicken studies, Come on, taste some chicken noses, Chicken knees or chicken toeses, Try a little cockadoodle, Utilize your chicken noodle, Flap your arms and stamp your feet, Chicken heads ARE GOOD TO EAT!!! Author Unknown  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-06-2003 06:54 AM                        Rated G Sweet, Sweet Road Rage An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, "I was going to park there!" The man was a real smart aleck and he said, "That's what you can do when you're young and quick." Well, this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes. The young man ran back to his car and asked, "What did you do that for?" The little old lady smiled and told him, "That's what you can do when you're old and rich!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-06-2003 08:21 AM                        Rated G The following instructions appeared on the hot-airhand dryer in a NewYork City restaurant: (1) Shake excess water from hands (2) Push button and release (3) Rub hands briskly under nozzle (4) Dryer stops automatically Underneath this someone had scratched in: (5) Wipe hands on pants  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-06-2003 11:38 AM                        Rated PG Famous Last Words ...and what Happened What really happened... *** "I expect to win it. Sit back, put your feet up in front of the TV, relax and enjoy it. Let me do the worrying - that's what I get paid for." - England manager Graham Taylor before the 1992 European championships. England didn't win a game. *** "I have always found strangers sexy." - Hugh Grant, six months before he was arrested with stranger Divine Brown. *** "I would not wish to be Prime Minister, dear." - Margaret Thatcher in 1973. *** "That rainbow song's no good. Take it out." - MGM memo after first showing of The Wizard Of Oz. *** "You'd better learn secretarial skills or else get married." - Modelling agency, rejecting Marilyn Monroe in 1944. *** "Radio has no future." "X-rays are clearly a hoax". "The aeroplane is scientifically impossible." - Royal Society president Lord Kelvin, 1897-9. *** "You ought to go back to driving a truck." - Concert manager, firing Elvis Presley in 1954. *** "Forget it. No Civil War picture ever made a nickel." - MGM executive, advising against investing in Gone With The Wind. *** "Can't act. Can't sing. Slightly bald. Can dance a little." - A film company's verdict on Fred Astaire's 1928 screen test. *** "Very interesting, Whittle, my boy, but it will never work." - Professor of Aeronautical Engineering at Cambridge, shown Frank Whittle's plan for the jet engine. *** "There will be one million cases of AIDS in Britain by 1991." - World Health Organisation in a 1989 report. It over-estimated by 992,301 cases. *** "The Beatles? They're on the wane." - The Duke of Edinburgh in Canada, 1965. They went on to produce a string of No 1s. *** "The atom bomb will never go off - and I speak as an expert in explosives." - U.S. Admiral William Leahy in 1945. *** "All saved from Titanic after collision." - New York Evening Sun, April 15 1912. *** "Brain work will cause women to go bald." - Berlin professor, 1914. *** "Television won't matter in your lifetime or mine." - Radio Times editor Rex Lambert, 1936. *** "Everything that can be invented has been invented." - director of the US Patent Office, 1899. *** "And for the tourist who really wants to get away from it all, safaris in Vietnam." - Newsweek magazine, predicting popular holidays for the late 1960s.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-06-2003 11:59 AM                        Rated G You Know You Need A New Car When.... * You pull over to let a fire truck go by, and it stops behind you. * You have to go to a repair centre every thousand miles to get the duct tape replaced. * You accidentally drive into a junkyard, drive out, and get accused of stealing. * The Blue Book lists your car under "Health Risk." * You return to your car and find someone broke in and left a hundred dollars and a new stereo. * Evel Kneivel refuses a free lift. * The valet puts on a crash helmet and full-body armour before parking your car. * The car is so full of rust, that it's only the paint that is holding everything together. * The only reason you use the rear windscreen heater is to keep your hands warm while you push the car home. * The exhaust pipe is so full of holes that it can be played like a piccolo  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-06-2003 08:23 PM                        Rated G Titan's Cola Ocean Surprises Scientists HONOLULU, HI (AheadOfNews.com) - Astronomers peering through the orange haze of Saturn's largest moon, Titan, have discovered a surface covered entirely by cola that rains constantly from the atmosphere. Much of the cola ocean, averaging about three kilometers in depth, is liquid. However, scientists have also observed extensive areas of what appear to be ice cubes floating in the cola. "Titan's surface is something of a surprise to scientists," said William C. Iverson of the University of Hawaii Planetary Laboratory on Mauna Kea. "None of Saturn's other moons shows any sign of cola, and we did not expect to find liquid soft drinks on moons or planets this far from the sun." Titan's atmosphere consists mostly of water, carbon dioxide, phosphoric acid, and vaporized sucrose, with traces of caramel color and caffeine. The planet is veiled by a dense orange haze that forms in the high stratosphere as atmospheric caramel color is modified by sunlight. The byproducts of this and other reactions form droplets that fall onto the surface in a perpetual cola rain. Researchers have not determined whether the Titan cola most resembles Coca Cola, Pepsi, R.C., or some other Earthly brand, Iverson said. "All we know for sure is that it's sweet," he said. "It's not a diet cola."  |  IP: Logged

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