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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-30-2003 12:50 PM                        Rated G Joke on Jay Leno talking about the SARS scare... Warned people to be careful when eating at a Chinese Restaurant... He had just eaten at one and was given a fortune cookie at the end of the meal... It said ...Confucius say, "Laughter is contagious,...so is your waiter."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-30-2003 01:11 PM                        Rated G popo At a dinner party,several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy."No woman,"said one man, scornfully,"can keep a secret." "I don't know about that,"answered a woman guest."I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one." "You'll let it out some day,"the man insisted. "I hardly think so!" responded the lady."When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years,she can keep it forever."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-30-2003 01:17 PM                        Rated G Lorraine In the mood for joking, a vacationer strolled over to a farmer working in a field and asked,"Did you happen to see a wagonload of monkeys go by?" "Nope," replied the farmer. "Did you fall off?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-30-2003 03:50 PM                        Rated G Joseph McCarthy Returns to Washington WASHINGTON (AheadOfNews.com) - Former Senator Joseph McCarthy returned to Washington today vowing to destroy what he called "the handmaidens of the axis of evil." McCarthy, 95, who made a career of wrecking the careers of "communist sympathizers" in the 1950s,promised to focus this year on wrecking the careers of "terrorist sympathizers." Speaking to reporters and well-wishers at Dulles International Airport,he produced a sheet of paper that he claimed was a list of 205 people in the State Department who belonged to the American Terrorist Party. The Republican senator from Wisconsin was thought to have drunk himself to death in 1957, three years after being censured by the Senate for lying and bullying. Instead, he fled to Paraguay under an assumed name and joined a 12-step program. His arrival today marks the first time he has set foot in the U.S. in 46 years. McCarthy,appearing yesterday in full fighting gear,with an aviator's cap and many belts of machine gun ammunition,repeated his old false assertion that he had flown 32 combat missions in World War II.The true number was zero. "Watch out everybody," he said, waving a little American flag. "Here comes Joe."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-31-2003 10:13 PM                        Rated PG The Witt brothers, Half and Dim, are working in the sawmill. Suddenly, Half yells,“TURN OFF THE SAW,I’VE CUT OFF MY EAR!!” So Dim turns off the saw and they begin looking for the ear. Dim finds the bloody ear,holds it up, and asks, “Is this it?” Half examines the ear.“No,” he says, “mine had a pencil behind it.”  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-31-2003 10:21 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee Andy came to work one day,limping something awful.One of his co- workers noticed and asked what happened. Andy replied,"Oh, nothing.It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while." "I never knew you played hockey." "I don't." said Andy."I hurt it last year when I lost $1,000 on the Stanley Cup play-offs and put my foot through the television set..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-31-2003 11:50 PM                        Rated G You had too much of the 90's if... 1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave. 2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?" 4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site. 5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbour yet this year. 6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea. 7. You check your blow-dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant. 8. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail in box asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver. 9. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home. 10. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid. 11. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you. 12. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. 13. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses. 14. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow. 15. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet. 16. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes. 17. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person. 18. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls. 19. You turn off your Modem and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 20. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee. 21. You wake up at 2am to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed. 22. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. 23. You're reading this  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-01-2003 06:44 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-01-2003 09:01 PM                        Rated G Lena folded and put away Jack's underwear. Jack took out a pair the next morning and was shaking the powder out and said,"Darn it,Lena,I wish you wouldn't put so much powder in my underwear." Lena replied,"That's not powder,Jack.It's Miracle Gro!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-01-2003 09:11 PM                        Rated G ............Michele Recently a poll of people in New York City showed that 80% of them wouldn't want to live anywhere else in the world. Besides,it was reported,it would violate the terms of their parole.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-01-2003 09:14 PM                        Rated G As a professional girl watcher all my life,like a lot of men,I would focus on specific parts of the female anatomy at times. Now that I'm past 50,it doesn't matter so much any more.In fact, a lot depends entirely on which direction the girl is walking.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-01-2003 09:17 PM                        Rated G .........Baby Blues "You know there's a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 'three Rs,'only one begins with an R." (Dennis Miller) "I was married by a judge.I should have asked for a jury." (Groucho Marx) "I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso."(Rita Rudner) "Statistics are like bikinis. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital." (Aaron Levenstein) "No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session." (Mark Twain) "If history was all there was to the game, the richest people would be librarians." (Warren Buffett) "Moving fast is not the same as going somewhere." (Robert Anthony) The problem with women is that they get all worried and crazy about nothing and then they marry him. -- Cher "Speak when you are angry--and you will make the best speech you'll ever regret." - Laurence J. Peter:  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-02-2003 07:33 AM                        Rated G During a nightly news broadcast WITN, Washington, North Carolina Sportscaster: Wayne can throw a baseball through a car wash and the ball will never get wet. Lee, that's sports. Anchor: Well, there's one thing for sure, Dick. He's bound to have the cleanest balls in the majors.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-02-2003 07:40 AM                        Rated G Louise Quips Every company should have a department of redundancy department. Originality is the art of concealing your sources. Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain. Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river. Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long. If you jogged backward . . . would you gain weight? There are three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? "Hold my purse."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-04-2003 07:36 AM                        Rated G You have two choices in life: 1. You can stay single and be miserable. 2. Get married and wish you were dead.  |  IP: Logged

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