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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-06-2003 09:01 AM                        Rated G Such is life! Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead. Life is sexually transmitted. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead?" Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. Get the last word in: Apologize. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue? Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. ~Unknown~  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-07-2003 06:55 AM                        Rated PG My neighbor's daughter hollered up to her mom, "The bill collector is here.Have you got the money or do you want me to go out and play for a while?" -- Nipsey Russell  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-07-2003 07:04 AM                        Rated G Michele If you believe you can tell me what to think,I believe I can tell you where to go.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-07-2003 07:38 AM                        Rated R More Pick-up Lines: Lets play Titanic, when I say iceberg, you go down. You must be high jumper, because you make my bar rise. Call me Fred Flintstone, because I'll make your Bedrock. If we were both squirrels, would you play with my nuts? Would you wear shoes if you didn't have any feet? Then why are you wearing a bra? Do you believe in love at first sight? Or do I have to walk by again? You must have a mirror in your pocket because I can easily see myself in your pants. What time do you have to be back in heaven? I seem to have lost my phone number, can I have yours? If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me? How about you sit on my lap and we can talk about the first thing that pops up. I lost my teddy bear. Will you sleep with me? Sex is a killer. Wanna die happy? Do you sleep on your stomach? "NO." Can I? Playing doctor is for kids. How about me and you play gynecologist. If you were a tear in my eye, I would not cry for fear of losing you. Excuse me, do you give head to strangers? Well then, allow me to introduce myself. The word for the day is legs. Lets go back to my place and spread the word. Do you have some Irish in you? Would you like a piece of Irish in you? The last time I saw you, I was dreaming. Hi, my name is Kelli. Don't forget it because you'll be screaming it later on tonight. I'm new in town, could you give the directions to your apartment. I love every bone in your body. Especially mine! That's a nice smile, its just too bad thats not the only thing you're wearing. All those curves, and me with no brakes.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-07-2003 07:44 AM                        Rated G A radio check between patrols in jungles was overheard: "Eeny, meeny, miney, mo, how do you read my radio?" Not to be outdone,his counterpart operator on the receiving end replied: "Fe, fi, fo, fum, loud and clear with a little hum."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-07-2003 07:56 AM                        Rated G ***The most dangerous number = 21593 *** If 2 people become 1, and they are not careful enough, they will know within 5 weeks,that over 9 months,there will be 3 of them!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-07-2003 04:46 PM                        Rated PG Babe-raham Lincoln An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?" "Yeah, a costume party," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life." "But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the barkeep. "That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-08-2003 06:08 AM                        Rated G Lorraine DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TOO OLD? Consider: - At age 96, playwright George Bernard Shaw broke his leg when he fell out of a tree he was trimming in his backyard. - Actor George Burns won his first Oscar at 80. - Painter Grandma Moses painted her first picture when she was past 80 years old.She completed over 1,500 paintings after that; 25 percent of those were produced when she was past 100. - Michelangelo was 71 when he painted the Sistine Chapel. - Physician and humanitarian Albert Schweitzer was still performing operations in his African hospital at 89.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-08-2003 06:16 AM                        Rated G Jay Leno "I saw something stupid in the paper today - a new alarm clock that makes no noise.It's for people who don't like loud noises; instead it slowly hits you with light and gets brighter and brighter until you wake up.I already have one of those Hello... it's called a window.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-08-2003 08:19 AM                        Rated G You know you drink too much coffee when... * Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. * You ski uphill. * You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. * You speed walk in your sleep. * You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack." * You answer the door before people knock. * You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. * You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. *You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. * You sleep with your eyes open. * You have to watch videos in fast-forward. * The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. *You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. * You lick your coffeepot clean. * You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House." * You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there. * You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. * Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. * You chew on other people's fingernails. * The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. * You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. * You can type sixty words per minute with your feet. * You can jump-start your car without cables. * Cocaine is a downer. * All your kids are named "Joe." * You don't need a hammer to pound in nails. * Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low." * You don't sweat, you percolate. * You buy milk by the barrel. * You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug. * You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. * You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. * You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. * You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. * People get dizzy just watching you. * When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup." * You've worn the finish off your coffee table. * The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you. * Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. * Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. * You're so wired, you pick up FM radio. * People can test their batteries in your ears. * Your life's goal IS to "amount to a hill of beans." * Instant coffee takes too long. * You channel surf faster without a remote. * When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop." * You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life. * Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. * You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison. * You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee. * You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer. * You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar." * You get drunk just so you can sober up. * You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson. * Your Thermos is on wheels. * Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position. * You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. * You can outlast the Energizer bunny. * You short out motion detectors. * You have a conniption over spilled milk. * You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. * Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. * You think being called a "drip" is a compliment. * You don't tan, you roast. * You don't get mad, you get steamed. * Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before and coffee after. * Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood. * You can't even remember your second cup. * You help your dog chase its tail. * You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. * Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London. * You introduce your spouse as your "Coffeemate." * You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation." * Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup * You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-08-2003 04:18 PM                        Rated G Janine How come the child who puts together an intricate scale model of an airplane can'topen a quart of ice cream without ripping the box apart?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-08-2003 06:08 PM                        Rated G Vacation is that time of year when you get away from the trials and tribulations of the office and enjoy some trials and tribulations with your own family. Vacation is a time to get away and forget about everything. I know my kids always forget to go to the bathroom before we leave. I find after most of my vacations that the boss is glad to have me back, almost as glad as the family is to send me back. Vacation is two weeks during which you get away from it all. Then you come back to find that "it all" is just waiting patiently on your desk. It's amazing how you can come back from a two-week vacation and find six-weeks' worth of work on your desk.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-08-2003 06:10 PM                        Rated G Janine Usually when a young man passes a pretty woman in the street, he first looks at her legs to see if she is really all she seemed at first glance;then he turns around to have a better view, and eventually realizes he is going in the same direction she is.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-08-2003 06:25 PM                        Rated G Lorraine A man tells his girlfriend that he's going skeet shooting over the weekend. She told him she didn't know how to cook them.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-08-2003 06:37 PM                        Rated G Watch carefully how your date treats servers and other workers. It's how you're going to get treated in six months.  |  IP: Logged

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