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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-14-2003 05:56 PM                        Rated G Michele What is Smoreplay? It's what Smurfs do before they Smuck.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-14-2003 07:47 PM                        Rated G Lorraine Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-15-2003 05:56 AM                        Rated G Toothpick to Promote Fat Fee WASHINGTON (AheadOfNews.com) - Jim "Slim" Toothpick announced his presidential candidacy formally on Friday, running on a platform that suggests replacing the Federal income tax with a fat fee. The proposal by the lanky Arizona rancher offers a sharp contrast to tax reforms favored by other candidates. Toothpick's plan, the National Poundage Fee (NPF), would replace the income tax with a per-pound "user fee" assessed on most people living in the United States. Under the plan, non-exempt people would be required to visit a Post Office every January to be officially weighed on an "augmented digital postage scale" and to be assessed a fee based on their weight. "NPF revenue will exactly equal revenue from former income taxes," Toothpick said. "If it don't, we'll reduce waste and fraud here and there, and trim things down a mite." At $15 per pound, a family of four with a 200-pound father, a 150-pound mother, and two 75-pound children would pay $7,500 annually in "fat fees" regardless of age, gender, hair color, religious affiliation, hat size, country of origin, race, sexual orientation, or pizza topping preferences. Toothpick said he would consider exemptions for people deemed to be "incredibly svelte."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-15-2003 07:49 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN 6-7 lb. chicken 1 cup melted butter 1 cup stuffing 1 cup uncooked popcorn salt/pepper to taste. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for popping sounds..... When the chicken's ass blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it is done. And, you thought I couldn't cook....  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-15-2003 07:51 AM                        Rated G Michele In America, the late night news used to broadcast this message: "It's 11 o'clock, do you know where your children are?" In England they say, "It's 11 o'clock, do you know where your wife is?" In France they say "It's 11 o'clock, do you know where your husband is?" In Poland they say, "It's 11 o'clock, do you know what time it is?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-15-2003 03:35 PM                        Rated G America believes in education:the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week. ~~Evan Esar  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-15-2003 03:39 PM                        Rated G Michele Near here is a restored water powered grain mill. It has been turned into a public attraction and several historic buildings have been moved to the grounds. The guide,telling about a two story house,explained that the upper story was added several years after the lower part.One family insisted on knowing where the builders found an upper story that fit.The guide explained that "they just built it," but the family still insisted on knowing where the builders found an upper story that fit.Finally, in exasperation, the guide said, "They bought it at Sears."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-15-2003 03:48 PM                        Rated G Becky A friend of ours was puzzled with the odd messages left on his answering machine. Day after day friends and family would talk and then say, "Beep." He discovered the reason for the joke when he decided to listen to his greeting. "Hi," it said. "I'm not in right now, so leave a beep after the message." [Reader's Digest]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-15-2003 04:01 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee YOU KNOW YOU'RE A MOTHER WHEN... Your kids make jokes about farting, burping, pooping, etc. and you think it's funny. "You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU! " Spit is your number one cleaning agent. You're up each night until 10 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting,clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, not you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, roller balding, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog. You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet...you still managed to gain 10 pounds. In your bathroom there is toothpaste on the light fixtures, water all over the floor, a dog drinking out of the toilet and body hair forming a union to protest unsafe working conditions. You buy cereal with marshmallows in it. The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making rice crispies bars.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-16-2003 06:03 AM                        Rated G Fensterwelt Explains Big Band Theory Princeton, NJ (AheadOfNews.com) - How did the universe begin? If it began in the beginning, what happened before that? What will happen before and after the universe ends? Such are the questions that thinkers have pondered for centuries. Johannes Fensterwelt, Ph.D.,a Princeton professor,has begun answering these questions in plain language.His syndicated column, Everything Explained appears in more than 10,000 daily newspapers worldwide.The column recently featured an explanation of the Big Band Theory of the universe that critics have called "amazingly clear." Don't bother your head about time,Fensterwelt wrote,just think about space and the sound of a Big Band playing Middle C.A Big Band with an infinite sound has an infinite sound no matter how much space it occupies.In a Big Band,you've got your flugelhorns over here,your clarinets over there,and your bass and drums and guitars somewhere else.It doesn't matter whether the trombones are 5 umpty-gazillion miles from one another or packed together with the saxophones in a "singularity" smaller than a piccolo. It doesn't matter whether the flutes are so far out they can't be seen or whether the separation between the trumpet and the piano is zero. In every case,Middle C is Middle C.Now,expand the sound of the Big Band to include any note or combination of notes in any key.That's the nature of the universe. "It's just one big hoot," Fensterwelt said.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-16-2003 06:25 AM                        Rated G Home Remedies 1.If you are choking on an ice cube,don't panic.Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto!The blockage will be almost instantly removed. 2. Clumsy?Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. 3.Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply peeing in the sink. 4. High blood pressure sufferers:simply cut yourself and bleed for a while,thus reducing the pressure in your veins. 5.A mouse trap,placed on top of your alarm clock,will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button. 6.If you have a bad cough,take a large dose of laxatives,then you will be afraid to cough. 7.Have a bad tooth ache?Hit your thumb with a hammer,then you will forget about the tooth ache.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-16-2003 10:55 AM                        Rated G Here & There Spain has an annual ritual called the running of the bulls. It is followed,the next day, by another,called The Burying of the Stupid! Give me the luxuries of life and I will willingly do without the necessities. ~~Frank Lloyd Wright "Some cause happiness wherever they go;others whenever they go." ~~Oscar Wilde  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-16-2003 07:55 PM                        Rated G Lorraine Niagra Falls has 86 million litres of water per minute gushing down the gorges. Put in other ways it's 41 million showers or 500 million bottles of beer.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-16-2003 08:03 PM                        Rated R The farmer's neglected wife steps behind the barn and sees the young hired hand taking a piss.She stares in disbelief at his huge apparatus and says,"Boy, I'd sure like to have some of THAT!" He says, "Well, you'd best run get you a cup. I'm 'bout through."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-16-2003 08:11 PM                        Rated G ~~~ Overcoming Fear of Failure ~~~ ~~ You've failed many times,although you may not remember. ~~ You fell down the first time you tried to walk.You almost drowned the first time you tried to swim,didn't you?Did you hit the ball the first time you swung a bat? ~~ Heavy hitters,the ones who hit the most home runs,also strike out a lot. ~~ R.H. Macy failed seven times,before his store in New York caught on. ~~ English novelist John Creasey got 753 rejection slips,before he published 564 books. ~~ Babe Ruth struck out 1330 times but he also hit 714 home runs. ~~ Don't worry about failure.Worry about the chances you miss when you don't even try.  |  IP: Logged

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