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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-16-2003 08:14 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee A couple who won the lottery built quite a mansion in Iamstuckup County.Thinking to impress their neighbors,they invited some of them to a formal dinner.As the meal was concluding,wanting to avoid being labeled as "nouveau riche". The husband said."Let's have dessert in the library." The wife said, "We can't.It closes at seven." [ 07-17-2003, 07:44 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-16-2003 08:16 PM                        Rated G Lorraine Somebody once figured out that we have over 35 million laws trying to enforce 10 Commandments.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-17-2003 07:10 PM                        Rated R A new TV game show in Hollywood had many contestants who were beautiful,but they weren't necessarily too smart. On one show,one such woman was extremely nervous,but tried to make the best of her performance. The host asked,"Who was the first man,for one thousand dollars?" She responded,"The first man was Peter ,my postman,but he only paid me one hundred dollars!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-17-2003 07:41 PM                        Rated G "Time is nature's way of making sure everything doesn't happen all at once." --Anon.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-17-2003 07:58 PM                        Rated G JOB SEEKERS Julius Caesar: My last job involved a lot of office politics and back stabbing.I'd like to get away from all that. Jesse James: I can list among my experience and skills: leadership,extensive travel,logistical organization,intimate understanding of firearms,and a knowledge of security measures at numerous banks. Marie Antoinette: My management style has been criticized, but I'd like to think of myself as a people person. Joseph Guillotin: I can give your company a head start on the competition. Hamlet: My position was eliminated in a hostile takeover. Lucrezia Borgia: My greatest accomplishment? After I took over the department,our competition just seemed to drop out of sight one by one. Pandora: I can bring a lot to your company.I like discovering new things.Wait til you see my "Box". Genghis Khan: My primary talent is downsizing.On my last job I downsized my staff,my organization,and the populations of several countries. Macbeth: Would I go after my boss's job? Do I look like the kind of guy who would knock off his boss for a promotion? Lady Godiva: What do mean,this isn't 'business casual'? Elvis: "My last boss and I ... say, are you going to eat those fries?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-17-2003 08:05 PM                        Rated G HOUSECLEANING TIP Remove dust balls under beds using these three steps: 1. Wrap duct tape sticky side out around small dog. 2. Roll the dog's favorite ball under the bed. 3. Yell "fetch!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-17-2003 08:19 PM                        Rated G "Why is Wednesday called "Hump Day" when most people get laid on the weekends?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-18-2003 06:30 AM                        Rated G Amateurs Take Over Tasting CLEVELAND, OH (AheadOfNews.com) - Professional wine and food tasters are feeling a pinch these days, as more wineries and prepared food manufacturers turn to their amateur colleagues. Wine maker Julio Hangma says that amateurs simply have a more imaginative vocabulary to describe wines. "A professional will tell you that a wine is 'medium bodied, with a hint of apricots,' while an amateur will say 'this wine makes me think of bats flying in moonlight, the sound of cellists tuning up, and the feeling of a heavy wool sweater on a cold day, just before it gets really itchy.' " Amateur peanut butter taster Randall Scrod agrees, saying that nobody is going to get away with statements like "tastes more like fresh peanuts" much longer. "You've got to evoke imagery," he insists. "A peanut tornado, sweeping across your taste buds" is one of his more recent contributions to the field. Many amateur tasters say they taste food or wine simply for the fun of it, although most will admit that it's not always as easy as it sounds. "You don't always like what you get," says Nancy Boomhower, an amateur taster working with the Hostess company. "For example, if I ever even see another Twinkie, I think I'm going to hurl."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-18-2003 06:37 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night." Charlie Brown  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-18-2003 11:44 AM                        Rated G JJ on Left Coast Think about this: a. The number of physicians in the US is 700,000. b. Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year is 120,000. c. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171. (US Dept. of Health &Human Services) Then think about this: a. The number of gun owners in the US is 80,000,000. b. The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all ages) is 1,500. c. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is.0000188. Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR. Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand. As a public health measure I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear that the shock could cause people to seek medical attention.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-18-2003 11:51 AM                        Rated G A pretty girl is driving through the west. Her car runs out or gas,and an Indian comes along on a horse, and gives her a ride to a gas station. Every few minutes he lets out a wild whoop that would curdle milk. Finally, he drops her off with a final "Yiiieee-yiiieee-yiiiee!" and gallops off. "My god!" says the gas station guy. "What were you doing to that Indian to make him holler like that?" "Why, nothing," says the girl. "I just sat behind him with my arms around him, holding onto his saddle horn." "Lady," says the guy, "Indians don't use saddles."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-18-2003 12:11 PM                        Rated G Louise Sex, Transvestites & Viagra! Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker, and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book ... It's called:"Ministers Do More Than Lay People." Transvestite:A guy who likes to eat,drink and be Mary! The difference between the Pope and your boss.The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring. My mind works like lightning.One brilliant flash and it's gone. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. I hate sex in the movies.Tried it once, the seat folded up,the drink spilled and that ice,well it really chilled her mood. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable.Now, of course,there's shipping and handling, too. A husband is someone, who after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house. My next house will have no kitchen ... just vending machines and a large trash can. I'm so depressed ... My Doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said, "Will!? What will? I'm making a list of the people I wanna bite." Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-18-2003 05:46 PM                        Rated G Lorraine TOP TEN REASONS NOT TO WASH: 1. I was forced to as a child. 2. People who make soap are only after your money. 3. I wash on special occasions like Christmas and Easter. 4. People who wash are hypocrites-they think they are cleaner than everyone else. 5. There are so many different kinds of soap, I can't decide which one is best. 6. I used to wash, but it got boring so I stopped. 7. None of my friends wash. 8. The bathroom is never warm enough in the winter or cool enough in the summer. 9. I'll start washing when I get older and dirtier. 10. I can't spare the time.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-18-2003 07:19 PM                        Rated PG There's a little old lady on the corner, she had both hands holdin' her hat on while the wind blew her skirt up around her face. A dignified Southern Gentleman came up and said, "Ma'am, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting you skirt blow around, being indecent, while both hands hold your hat." She said, "Look, everything down there is eighty years old, this hat is brand new!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-18-2003 07:28 PM                        Rated G Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village. "What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant. "All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered dump, or by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms for a short spell."  |  IP: Logged

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