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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-30-2003 03:53 PM                        Rated G Generation Y Makes Statement with Worms SANTA BARBARA, CA (AheadOfNews.com) - Their grandparents wore long hair and their parents wore nose rings, but Generation Y is developing its own thing - bloodsucking worm wear. "I got my first leech from a friend for only $5," said Gilbert Blumenshine, 17, of Santa Barbara. "It got attached to me right away." Blumenshine, a skate-boarder and a fan of bands called Too Rude and Western Waste, said he originally wore his favorite leech inside his underwear to keep his mother from noticing. As he matured, however, he "came out" and attached it to his neck. "I like being part of an entire generation that refuses to be labeled and prefers to maintain its elusiveness," he said. "Wearing segmented hermaphroditic worms in public is the best way to do this." Leeches have been used in medicine for many centuries in treating a number of diseases. Their peak use was during the time of Napoleon. Despite Humphrey Bogart's reaction to them in the movie The African Queen, the worms are still used in some countries to treat a number of conditions in areas such as cardiovascular disease, ophthalmology, and dermatology. Blumenshine rarely goes out without his collection of 14 leeches, which he rotates from "station to station" on his favorite body parts. "I'm really fond of the little suckers," he said.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-31-2003 10:30 AM                        Rated G Pentagon May Soon Get Bent Out of Shape WASHINGTON (AheadOfNews.com) - The U.S. Department of Defense will soon occupy fancy new headquarters. President George W. Bush asked a willing Congress today for "whatever it takes" to transform the Pentagon into a "military house of dreams." "The war on terrorism requires a bigger Pentagon," he said, "with more than five sides. We will use this new facility to bring peace and prosperity to many countries just as we are bringing peace and prosperity to Iraq. We will name this important freedom-protecting building the Hexagon." The exact dimensions of the project have not been revealed. The President did not say who will do the work. The administration provided no estimate of the cost. Republican leaders in both houses of Congress promised to "ram enabling legislation through in a matter of days." Stretching and bending of the Pentagon could begin as early as next week. Appearing on Face the Nation, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld deflected "annoying questions" about the project's cost. "Analysts always fuss about a billion dollars or two billion or 10 billion," he said, "but for heaven's sake we won't know until the project is finished. Besides, we might need something later in the form of a supplemental, maybe a Septagon or an Octagon. We're not saying this is all we need. We may even require a Nonagon."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2003 06:50 AM                        Rated G Lorraine THE SAFARI: "Look, guide, here are some LION tracks." "Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where they came from."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2003 08:21 AM                        Rated G Jethro: Stupid Steve, how did your date go? Stupid Steve: Great,until she told me that she heard a mouse squeaking in her kitchen. She didn't like how I handled the problem. Jethro: What did you do? Stupid Steve: I tried to oil it.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2003 09:56 AM                        Rated G Shag Carpet Bombing Takes Iraqis by Surprise BAGHDAD,IRAQ (AheadOfNews.com) - The war in Iraq took a new turn today when American B-52s began woven carpet bombing of enemy ground forces. Making the long flight from bases in Great Britain, heavy bombers dropped thousands of nomad, farmer, and manufactory shag carpets on Republican Guard divisions defending the capital. Further south, Apache attack helicopters blanketed Iraqi positions with throw rugs hurled from windows, while U.S. troops fired wool mats from artillery modified for the purpose. The attacks covered much of the Euphrates Valley "wall-to-wall," according to Pentagon sources, and severely disrupted Iraqi troop movements and lines of communication. "The Iraqis seemed shocked by the high percentage of multi-colored manufactory carpets," said U.S. commander Gen. Tommy Franks. "We think they expected mainly hand-woven berbers and tweeds."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2003 02:55 PM                        Rated G Lorraine Why is it that all of the instruments seeking intelligent life in the universe are pointed away from Earth?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2003 02:57 PM                        Rated G Lorraine An April Fools Joke: In 1957 the respected BBC news show Panorama announced that thanks to a very mild winter and the virtual elimination of the dreaded spaghetti weevil, Swiss farmers were enjoying a bumper spaghetti crop. It accompanied this announcement with footage of Swiss peasants pulling strands of spaghetti down from trees. Huge numbers of viewers were taken in, and many called up wanting to know how they could grow their own spaghetti trees. To this question, the BBC diplomatically replied that they should "place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce and hope for the best."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2003 03:16 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee Sign in the window of a home cookin' restaurant in Phoenix: The best piece of chicken you'll ever get without being a rooster!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2003 05:30 PM                        Rated G A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read "Unique Breakfast" so he walked in and sat down. The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted. "What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked inquisitively. "Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied. "Baked tongue of chicken?...baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that comes out of a chickens mouth!" he fumed. Undaunted, the waitress asked, What'll you like then?" "Just bring me some scrambled eggs," the man replied.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2003 05:44 PM                        Rated G Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-02-2003 07:19 AM                        Rated G Former Executive Faces Lifetime of Bad Days DENVER, CO (AheadOfNews.com) - A former energy company executive found guilty last month of stealing the pensions of his former employees faces a lifetime of "totally disgusting days." Judge Michelle Lewis ordered multi-millionaire Melvin S. Slope to make full restitution of the missing funds by selling his mansions, yachts, and collection of rare art, as well as three small islands he owns off the coast of Brazil. In addition, she instructed a well-known Colorado witch doctor to cast a spell condemning Slope to "an endless series of small disasters." Full details of the witch doctor's hex were unavailable at press time, but the average bad day is thought to include carpenter ants, migraine, burnt toast, a minor car wreck, and an outbreak of nose pimples. The savant is also said to be familiar with poison ivy and lost wallets and has an expert knowledge of warts. Lewis acknowledged that Slope's punishment was unusual but said it was "no crueler than stealing the retirement savings of workers." Slope's attorney, David Wrinkle, said he would not appeal.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-02-2003 07:42 AM                        Rated G Altered Egos Bruise Lee: inept martial-arts student - Merlyn Streep: professional magician - Sean Cannery: manager, fish-packing plant - Splint Eastwood: respected osteopath - Bette Fidler: skilled symphony musician - Marlon Brandy: maker of fine liqueurs - Jackie Masonry: journeyman bricklayer - Draw Barrymore: portrait artist - Leanardo de Cappuccino: founder, coffee-shop chain  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-02-2003 07:44 AM                        Rated G "Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "Would you be so kind as to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work? All I have in the world is this gun."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-03-2003 11:23 AM                        Rated G Dixie Chicks Make Peace With George Bush AUSTIN, TX (AheadOfNews.com) - On March 10th, Dixie Chick Natalie Maines made headlines when she told a London audience "Just so you know, we're ashamed the president of the United States is from Texas." Lately, angry fans back home in Texas and elsewhere have asked radio stations to stop playing Dixie Chicks music, which has resulted in about 20 percent less air time for the Grammy Award-winning country musicians, nationwide. Last Friday, Maines apologized for her "disrespectful" remark, saying "I feel that whoever holds the office should be treated with the utmost respect." Maines has also sent a personal apology to Mr. Bush. The Internet rumor that she had also sent the president several dozen bags of his favorite pretzels turns out to be completely unsubstantiated.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-03-2003 12:12 PM                        Rated G From: The Grapevine -=Today President Bush said we would stay in Iraq for as long as it takes. It’s the same policy he had in high school. -=Bush has promised to rebuild Iraq after he’s done destroying the country. Now if we could just get Governor Gray Davis to promise to rebuild California after he’s done destroying it, that would be terrific! -=They said that it’ll cost $30 billion to rebuild Iraq. But the good news it’s still less than it cost to rebuild Cher. -=Connie Chung was fired by CNN. That’s embarrassing being fired. Not as embarrassing as being married to Maury Povich, but still. -=Robert Blake was in court again today. Officially entered a plea of not guilty. That shows his growth as an actor. We’ve seen him do drama, but this is his first stab at comedy. -=In Germany, paramedics rescued a 40-year-old man who got his manhood stuck in a vacuum cleaner. He told the authorities, his relationship with the vacuum was purely physical. He didn’t want any attachments. -=A company in Peru is developing a candy bar made of cocaine and caramel. It’s got cocaine and caramel in the candy bar. It’s called "Oh Whitney!” -=In Britain, Osama bin Laden’s niece, Waffa bin Laden is launching her singing career. Is that a connection you really want to brag about? Did she learn nothing from the example set by Betty Hitler? -=Here’s a nice story – Mel Gibson is building a church in Malibu. It’s gonna be weird to see people in Malibu worshipping something besides themselves. -=Phil Spector has been arrested for shooting a woman in his home. At least Robert Blake takes her out to dinner first. -=People are mad at the French. Today President Bush on a flight to Florida aboard Air Force One had French toast renamed on the menu to freedom toast. He later had Cap’n Crunch renamed to Colonel Crunch. -=Today in Iraq, American and British troops handed out food to hundreds of Iraqis. But to no surprise the Iraqis handed the British food back.  |  IP: Logged

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