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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-27-2003 08:16 AM                        Rated G A boy is taken from his home because of physical abuse. After being in the orphanage for a few weeks,he tells a social worker that he wants to leave. The social worker asks him,"Well, do you want to go back and live with your father again?" "No,"replies the boy."He beats me." The social worker says,"Do you want to live with your mother?" The boy says,"No, she beats me too." "Well, then," asks the social worker,"Who do you want to live with?" The boy answers,"The Oakland Raiders." The social worker is taken aback."The Raiders? Why do you want to live with the Oakland Raiders?" "Because," replies the boy, "They don't beat anybody."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-27-2003 05:36 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee A blackjack dealer and a player who had a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer. The player said,"When I get bad cards,it's not the dealer's fault. Accordingly,when I get good cards,the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so,why should I tip him?" The dealer said,"When you eat out do you tip the waiter?" "Yes." "Well then,he serves you food,I'm serving you cards so you should tip me." "Okay,but,the waiter brings me whatever I order. . . . So I'll take an eight."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-27-2003 06:18 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee I shall seek and find you. I shall take you to bed and control you. I will make you ache, shake, 'n sweat until you groan... All my love, The Flu  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2003 08:11 AM                        Rated G Iraq Changes Name to Avoid War with U.S. EAST ZURICH, NEW SWITZERLAND (AheadOfNews.com) -Hoping to avert attack by the U.S., Iraq has changed its name to "New Switzerland."The nomenclature became official on Tuesday when Hans Hodel,the president of the new country,signed a re-naming decree. The decree also changed the names of cities and of individual people.Baghdad became East Zurich and Basra became New Lucerne. Saddam Hussein became Hans Hodel,and his ruling Baath Party became the Liberal Conservatives. "We are no longer Iraqis," said Max Zellweger,New Switzerland's ambassador to the U.N. "We are Swiss." Before the name changes, he was known as Ambassador Galeb Al-Jamil. General Bruno Bodenmann,the former General Hakim Abdel-Rahman,a member of Hodel's inner circle, had earlier urged Hodel to change Iraq's name to "North Korea." Bodenmann argued that the U.S. was more concerned about imaginary nuclear weapons in Iraq than real ones in North Korea.In the end,however,the arguments in favor of New Switzerland prevailed. "Being North Korea is not entirely safe," Zellweger said,"but everyone loves the Swiss." Polls indicate that 30 percent of all Americans believe that Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein are the same person and that the U.S. should "go to war somewhere to get rid of him." How they regard Hans Hodel is unknown. The White House denounced the Iraqi name change as "convincing evidence that Hans Hodel is concealing weapons of mass destruction." Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld immediately ordered two more aircraft carriers,the Chevron and the Halliburton,to the waters off New Switzerland.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2003 11:49 AM                        Rated G Once upon a time in the enchanted forest there lived three gnus (pronounced 'nooze'). There was a momma gnu. There was a poppa gnu.And there was a baby gnu. Came dinner time one day and there was nothing to eat. So the poppa gnu decided to go out into the forest and collect some nuts and berries for dinner. Just then baby gnu piped up and said "Bleah! Nuts and berries again!" So the poppa gnu went out into the forest.Little did he know that it was hunting season for gnus.And as he was walking along... BLAM! BLAM!...the hunter killed him dead in his tracks. After a while, momma gnu decided that old pops must be lost out in the forest.So she said "Baby, you be a good gnu while I go out to look for your old man." She didn't know it was hunting season for gnus either.And as she was walking along..BLAM BLAM! The hunter killed her dead in her tracks.After a while, baby gnu was getting a little lonely and decided to go out and look for his parents.He didn't know it was hunting season either. And as he was walking along...BLAM! BLAM!The hunter got him too. Assassinated him on the trail.Did him in.Knocked him off.Killed him dead in his tracks. Well....That's the gnus. The weather in a moment.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2003 12:01 PM                        Rated G .........Lorraine A Few cowboy sayings on being happy: As pleased as a pup with 2 tails As chipper as a jay bird Grinnin like a jack ass eatin cactus Grinnin like a weasel in a hen house  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-29-2003 07:06 AM                        Rated PG Sex Outlawed in North Carolina RALEIGH, NC (AheadOfNews.com) - The forces of abstinence defeated the forces of lust Monday when legislators here banned all sexual activity involving humans in North Carolina. After weeks of heated debate, lawmakers voted 111-59 to "criminalize sex" in the Tarheel State and in airplanes flying above it. The ban, to take effect Friday, will be enforced by a new branch of state government known as the Carolina Sex Police. "Just Don't Do It" became the rallying cry of the law's proponents last year as legislators struggled to find binding language that would be "safe from attack by hedonists." Most advocates belong to Abstinence Until Death (AUD), a national group that promotes "relentless self-control." AUD spokesman Wayne Jeeter expressed delight with Monday's vote, which he said would prevent "billions of sex-related problems" if adopted nationwide. According to Jeeter, these problems include "bare-breasted statues in the Department of Justice, naughty thoughts, pornography, adultery, and AIDS." In addition, he claimed that a "well-enforced Federal ban on sex would soon solve the problem of overcrowding in the schools." "Actually, I can't think of a problem that a total ban on sex wouldn't eventually solve," he said. Penalties for violating the North Carolina ban range from stern lectures for "flirting" to long jail sentences for "activities involving more than two zucchinis and a bathtub." Retired Admiral John Poindexter, head of the Federal Department of Total Information Awareness has offered to aid the Carolina Sex Police by providing them with "juicy tidbits" about the book-borrowing, movie rental, and web browsing habits of individual North Carolinians. Repeat violators risk mandatory sentencing under the state's"three pokes" law.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-29-2003 07:41 AM                        Rated G Baby Blues The Parachute Paradign You are one of *two* people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute. How would you react? Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway. Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this before. Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute. Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions. Lawyer:you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline. Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests,then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment. Sales executive:you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too. Internal Revenue Service: you confiscate the parachute along with their luggage,wallet,and gold fillings. Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss. Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it worked. Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases. Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists. Minister: Pray. God will keep you safe. English major: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions. Computer Science: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could. Economics: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute. Psychoanalysis: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of. Drama: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute. Art: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it. Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it is biodegradable. Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will take to crash. Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine. Surgeon General: you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to your health. Association of Tobacco Growers: you explain very patiently that despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown that jumping out of a plane is NOT harmful to your health.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-29-2003 08:23 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee I HAD A DRUG PROBLEM WHEN I WAS YOUNG I was "drug" to church on Sunday morning. I was "drug" to church for weddings and funerals. I was "drug" to family reunions no matter the weather. I was "drug" to the bus stop to go to School every weekday. I was "drug" by my ears when disrespectful to adults and teachers. I was also "drug" to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-29-2003 09:43 AM                        Rated G Diana J This really works I thought I would let you in on a little secret I've found for building my arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt this regimen. 3 days a week work well I start by standing outside behind the house and, witha 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend my arms straight outto my sides and hold them there as long as I can. After a few weeks I moved up to 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound sacks and finally I got to where I could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold my arms straight out for more than a minute! Next, I started putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but I would caution you not to overdo it at this level.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-29-2003 01:54 PM                        Rated PG The Cruise A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two week cruise for his girlfriend and himself. A couple of days before the cruise,the travel agent phonesand says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead.The guy agrees and goes to the drugstore to buy three Dramamine and three condoms. Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise.The guy says he'll take it and returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms. The following day,the travel agent calls again and says he can now book aneight-day cruise. The guy agrees and goes back to the drugstore and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms. Finally, the pharmacist asks, "Look, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-29-2003 02:26 PM                        Rated G Sherlock and Watson went on a boating trip. As they passed by a large flock of sheep,Watson exclaimed, "I bet the shepherd has a hard time keeping count of that huge flock." "I can tell you right now there are exactly 476 sheep," Sherlock told Watson. "You mean you counted every last one of them in less than a minute?" Watson asked, astounded. "No, I used a trick even a school child knows. I counted all the legs and divided by four."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-29-2003 02:35 PM                        Rated G George in Manhattan You know how, whenever there is trouble in New York and you can always count on people getting together and helping in the spirit of cooperation? I'll give you an example of what I am talking about. When I come to work every day, right out in front of the Ed Sullivan theater,there's a guy who sits outside who gives me the finger. Today,he gave me the finger and a hug.:G  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-29-2003 02:45 PM                        Rated PG Osama Bin Laden and one of his followers were riding on a camel when they stopped in a small town. Bin Laden gets off the camel and lifts it's tail up, and looks at it's asshole. Then the other guy comes over and says,what are you doing? Osama replies, "About two miles back I heard someone say, "Hey look at those two assholes on that camel."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-29-2003 02:54 PM                        Rated G A man goes into a pet store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any dogs that go cheap?" The Clerk says, "No, We have birds that go cheep, our dogs go BARK!"  |  IP: Logged

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