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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-24-2003 08:31 AM                        Rated PG .............Lorraine NEW WORDS: Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. Bozone: (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. Cashtration: (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very, high. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit). Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is, like, sending off all these really bad vibes, right? and then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a totally serious bummer. Glibido: All talk and no action. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. Arachnoleptic fit: (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. Beelzebug: (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out. Caterpallor: (n.) The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating. And the pick of the literature: Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-24-2003 08:50 AM                        Rated G .........Lorraine There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory whichstates that this has already happened.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-24-2003 09:01 AM                        Rated PG .........Michele It's time once again to consider the candidates for the 2003 Stella Awards. The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most uniquely successful lawsuits in the United States for last year. Actually,joint awards should be given to the plaintiff attorneys and the flaming idiots on the juries who awarded anything at all to these morons--who deserved NOTHING!!!! The following are this year's candidates: ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son. ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////// A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps. ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut.The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed, to the tune of $500,000. ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun. ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////// A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx! (tailbone).The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses. ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////// This year's favorite could easily be Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City,Oklahoma.Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32- foot Winnebago motor home.On his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway,he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway,crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he couldn't actually do this.The jury awarded him$1,750,000 plus a new motor home.The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit,just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-24-2003 09:07 AM                        Rated PG Letters Of Recommendations For Employees For the chronically absent: "A man like him is hard to find." "It seemed his career was just taking off." For the office drunk: "I feel his real talent is wasted here." "We generally found him loaded with work to do." For an employee with no ambition: "He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in." "You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you." "He consistently achieves the standards he sets for himself." For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled: "I can assure you that no person would be better for the job." For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate: "I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment." "All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-24-2003 09:15 AM                        Rated G A Human Interest Story Dacha Haines, 2, was toddling down the sidewalk Monday in her Florida neighborhood when she became the victim in one of the weirder animal attack cases police can recall. Authorities apprehended the offending rooster,named Rockadoodle. The rooster struck around noon as Dacha ventured from her house to visit her Uncle Tony,waiting in the driveway next door. Tony Hamper heard the little girl shrieking, spun around,and saw the rooster. Rockadoodle had knocked the 27-pound girl on her belly and was pummeling her with beak,claws and blue-black wings. Hamper ran for the girl, snatched her up by one arm and chased the bird off,waving his arms and shouting, "Oooh, get! Shoo! Shoo! Shoo!" The man and the girl had taken about three steps when the rooster attacked again,knocking the screaming girl to the grass a second time. Hamper swatted at the rooster,backhanded,and it shuffled off. He could not pick the girl up because he has a bad hip, he said, so he took his niece by the hand and headed for her mother's house. But Rockadoodle flew at the girl a third time,latched onto her narrow shoulders and hammered at her face from behind. Kramer knocked the rooster down,but it didn't run away this time. It glared at him. So he kicked it. The bird flew to a porch nearby, still staring. It puffed its chest and ruffled its feathers. "That chicken was not scared," Hamper said. That did not matter to Hamper when he called authorities. The call surprised police, she said. A chicken? they asked. "Come and get him now," he told them. "I am not going to rest." Rockadoodle led six people on a chase.They flushed the bird out from under a van with a cane fishing pole.But the rooster dodged the Humane Society officer's net,eluded a couple of flying grabs.Finally, an officer tackled him. Rockadoodle was taken to the Humane Society. " This is the city's first rooster attack," said Police Sgt. Butch Smitherman.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-24-2003 09:37 AM                        Rated G All my life, when the Western states (Nevada, Arizona, etc) weather was discussed, I always heard something along the lines of, 'it's hot, but it's a dry heat...' Last year in February, on vacation in Las Vegas, I commented to a lady running a gift shop that it must be unbearable in Las Vegas during August. She responded that it was hot, yes, 110 or more in the shade at its worst, but that it was a dry heat.... Another New Yorker in my group snickered and commented: "So's a blowtorch, lady".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-24-2003 10:32 AM                        Rated G Recently, I was behind a car with three bumper stickers: "Don't be fooled by genetically engineered food--demand labels and safety testing for food"; "Eat for the health of it";and "Support organic farmers." The car was in front of me at a McDonald's drive-through.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-24-2003 03:11 PM                        Rated G ........... Perfect A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married. Replied the gentleman,"Well, I guess I just never met the right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl." "Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry." "Yes, there was one girl .. once. I guess she was the one perfect girl .. the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything .. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me." "Well, why didn't you marry her?" asked the friend. "She was looking for the perfect man," the gentleman answered.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2003 07:58 AM                        Rated G Bumper stickers My karma ran over your dogma. I brake for... wait... AAAH! NO BRAKES!!!!! A fool and his money are a girl's best friend. I'm not driving fast-just flying low. Help starve a feeding bureaucrat. My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird! Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. "I is a college student." If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2003 08:14 AM                        Rated G Letters from charities I am always getting those return address labels from charities wanting money. The other day, I got one from an Alzheimer's group. Funny though, they forgot to put my street name on them!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2003 10:29 AM                        Rated G Stupid Pick Up Lines 1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here! 2. Just call me milk, I'll do your body good. 3. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock. 4. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you. 5. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too. 6. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it. 7. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous. 8. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants. 9. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon. 10. Baby, you must be tired cuz you have been running through my mind all night!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2003 02:23 PM                        Rated PG More Bumper Stickers Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. Do they ever shut up on your planet? Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil. You? Off my planet? I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...? Does your train of thought have a caboose? If I throw a stick, will you leave? I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. Don't bother me. I'm living happily every after. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic. If you smoke after sex, your doing it too fast. We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated. Born free... taxed to death. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen hammer. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute! Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer. If, a two letter word for futility Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2003 07:20 PM                        G Automaker Plans Badder Bikes DETROIT (AheadOfNews.com) - Stung by criticism of its Dodge Tomahawk, DaimlerChrysler has announced plans for an even bigger motorcycle in 2004. Other companies are expected to follow suit. The automaker introduced the Tomahawk at the North American International Auto Show here earlier this month. The four-wheel, single-passenger vehicle looks like a motorcycle and features a 500-hundred horsepower engine that gives it a top speed of more than 300 miles an hour. Even so, motorcycle club members in Michigan expressed disappointment. Some called the Tomahawk "a wimp" and said that cycle designers should try harder. "It accelerates like a cow," said Carl Baghorn, president of Bad Bald Bikers of Dearborn. "Zero to sixty in 2.5 seconds is way too slow." Members of the Flint Oil Stains complained about the smallness of the 8,300 cubic centimeter Viper V-10 engine and its failure to generate "sufficient" noise. The Royal Oak High Flyers seemed dismayed by the estimated price tag of $200,000, which they termed "way too low." "They'll multiply like Volkswagens," agreed Dirk Pangle of the Lansing Hogs. The Motorcycle Design Department at DaimlerChrysler vowed further improvements. On the drawing board is an "extreme" model called The Dragonball, expected to go 600 miles per hour and to achieve a fuel inefficiency of 4 gallons per mile. This "absurdly expensive toy" will make enough noise "to flatten pedestrians within a half-mile of the epicenter," department officials promised in a company brochure.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2003 08:40 PM                        Rated G I went to an authentic Mexican Restaurant. The waiter poured the water and then warned me not to drink it.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2003 08:43 PM                        Rated G Ask me about my vow of Silence.  |  IP: Logged

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