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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-20-2003 08:49 AM                        Rated G .....Lorraine I WANT TO BE A KID AGAIN. I want to go back to the time when: Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo." Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!" "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest. Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in Monopoly. Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening. It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends. Being old referred to anyone over 20. The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and rules didn't matter. The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties. It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb. It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic event. Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot. Nobody was prettier than Mom. Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better. It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park. Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true. Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare." Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures. No shopping trip was complete unless a new toy was brought home. "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense. Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles. The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team. War was a card game. Water balloons were the ultimate weapon. Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle. Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin. Ice cream was considered a basic food group.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-20-2003 09:14 AM                        Rated R A 180-pound guy picks a fight with a 300-pound biker. Just before this hulk kicks the holy hell out of our man,he says,"You picked the wrong guy to rumble with tonight,girly-man! Got any last words?" The guy says,"Yeah,your wife is good in bed." Biker says,"So you're a liar, too...!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-20-2003 10:05 AM                        Rated G An angel in heaven was welcoming a new arrival. "How did you get here?" he asked. And the new angel replied, "Flu..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-20-2003 10:10 AM                        Rated PG To those in North Dakota, Minnesota and for that matter the rest of the country, I must report the Sad News that Ole was SHOT. He was up by the Canadian border on his 4-wheeler cutting some trees, when some rangers looking for terrorists spotted him. According to the news reports,using a loudspeaker,they shouted to him "Who are you and what are you doing?" Ole shouted back, "OLE..... BIN LOGGIN'!" Ole is survived by his wife Lena and Lena's good friend Lars.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-20-2003 03:30 PM                        Rated G 50 most romantic things 1. Watch the sunset together. 2. Whisper to each other. 3. Cook for each other. 4. Walk in the rain. 5. Hold hands. 6. Buy gifts for each other. 7. Roses. 8. Find out their favorite cologne/perfume and wear it every time you're together. 9. Go for a long walk down the beach at midnight. 10. Write poetry for each other. 11. Hugs are the universal medicine. 12. Say I love you, only when you mean it and make sure they know you mean it. 13. Give random gifts of flowers/candy/poetry etc. 14. Tell her that she's the only girl you ever want.Don't lie! 15. Spend every second possible together. 16. Look into each other's eyes. 17. Very lightly push up her chin, look into her eyes, tell her you love her, and kiss her lightly. 18. When in public, only flirt w/ each other. 19. Put love notes in their pockets when they aren't looking. 20. Buy her a ring. 21. Sing to each other. 22. Always hold her around her hips/sides. 23. Take her to dinner and do the dinner for two deal. 24. Spaghetti? (Ever see Lady and the Tramp?) 25. Hold her hand, stare into her eyes, kiss her hand and then put it over your heart. 26. Dance together. 27. I love the way a girl looks right after she's fallen asleep with her head in my lap. 28. Do cute things like write I love you in a note so that they have to look in a mirror to read it. 29. Make excuses to call them every 5 minutes 30. Even if you are really busy doing something, go out of your way to call and say I love you. 31. Call from your vacation spot to tell them you were thinking about them. 32. Remember your dreams and tell her about them. 34. Tell each other your most sacred secrets/fears. 35. Be Prince Charming to her parents. 36. Brush her hair out of her face for her. 37. Hang out with his/her friends. 38. Go to church/pray/worship together. 39. Take her to see a romantic movie and remember the parts she liked. 40. Learn from each other and don't make the same mistake twice. 41. Describe the joy you feel just to be with him/her. 42. Make sacrifices for each other. 43. Really love each other, or don't stay together. 44. Let there never be a second during any given day thatyou aren't thinking about them, and make sure they know it. 45. Love yourself before you love anyone else. 46. Learn to say sweet things in foreign languages. 47. Dedicate songs to them on the radio. 48. Fall asleep on the phone with each other. 49. Stand up for them when someone talks trash. 50. Never forget the kiss goodnight and always remember to say, "Sweet dreams."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-20-2003 09:09 PM                        Rated PG Dig the hole - Fill the hole There were two Polish guys working for the city. One would dig a hole, he would dig, dig, dig, the other would come behind him and fill the hole, fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously. One digging a hole, the other filling it up again. A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them. He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!" The hole digger replied, "Oh ya, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-21-2003 08:32 AM                        Rated G Irritating Moments You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them. The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle. The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on. There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address. You open a can of soup and the lid falls in. It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it until you walk across your living room rug. The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you. There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING. You can never put anything back in a box the way it came. Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth. You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette. You slice your tongue licking an envelope. Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading. A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away. There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray. You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint. The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing. A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling. You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am. The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song. You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out. People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up. Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire. You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it. You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing. You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it. You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-21-2003 08:46 AM                        Rated G Funny Sign Posts *** At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container." *** In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager." *** On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy" *** On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 years on the same spot." *** In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday." *** In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed." *** In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy." *** In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home." *** In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center" *** On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church." *** On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices, and workmanship." *** At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel." *** On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs." *** In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work." *** In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan." *** In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks." *** In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!" *** On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced" *** Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques." *** In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?" *** In a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends." *** On a radiator repair garage: "Best place to take a leak." *** In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished." *** In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves." *** On a roller coaster: "Watch your head." *** On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission." *** On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable." *** Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car." *** And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says, "Do not throw stones at this sign."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-21-2003 09:51 AM                        Rated G What is the oldest profession? A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession." The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine." Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-21-2003 09:54 AM                        Rated G Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory. Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-21-2003 10:20 AM                        Rated G Names Game Over: "New York Bicycles" beat "Chicago Teddybears". NEW YORK (AheadOfNews.com) - Watch out Shorebirds. Here come the Pussies! Paul Tagliabue, commissioner of the National Football League, today announced long-anticipated changes to many team names in the NFL. Responding to complaints about NFL violence, Tagliabue and the NFL Marketing Committee have mandated new names "more appealing to viewers who regard themselves as gentle persons." Ten teams were ruled to have kind, gentle names already. They are the Buffalo Bills, Cleveland Browns, Houston Texans, Indianapolis Colts, Miami Dolphins, New England Patriots, Arizona Cardinals, Green Bay Packers, New Orleans Saints, and San Francisco 49ers. Here are the changes for the other 22 teams: Baltimore: Ravens become Crows. Cincinnati: Bengals become Siamese. Denver: Broncos become Ponies. Jacksonville: Jaguars become Javanese. Kansas City: Chiefs become Secretaries. New York: Jets become Bicycles. Oakland: Raiders become Nestmakers. Pittsburgh: Steelers become File Clerks. San Diego: Chargers become Placeholders. Tennessee: Titans become Little Guys. Atlanta: Falcons become Hummingbirds. Carolina: Panthers become Pussies. Chicago: Bears become Teddybears. Dallas: Cowboys become Cowpersons. Detroit: Lions become Chantilly/Tiffanies. Minnesota: Vikings become Farmers. New York: Giants become Dwarves. Philadelphia: Eagles become Pigeons. Seattle: Seahawks become Shorebirds. St. Louis: Rams become Lambs. Tampa Bay: Buccaneers become Philanthropists. Washington: Redskins become Flesh Tones. The NFL Players Association voiced no objection to the changes.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-21-2003 11:35 AM                        Rated PG .............Michele ARCHITECT: Defines someone who was neither macho enough to become an engineer nor gay enough to become a designer. BANKER: Someone who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and takes it back when it starts to rain. BOY SCOUT: A child dressed like an asshole under the leadership of an asshole dressed like a child. CONSULTANT: Someone who uses your wife's watch, tells you the time, and then charges you for it. DIPLOMAT: Someone who tells you to go to hell in a way which makes you eager to start the journey. ECONOMIST: An expert who will know tomorrow why that which he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. FRIEND: Definition of a person of the opposite sex who has that "Je ne sais quoi" which eliminates any desire to ever try and sleep with them.. PESSIMIST: Optimist with experience PROGRAMMER: Someone who fixes a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand. PSYCHOLOGIST: Someone who looks at everyone else when an attractive woman enters the room. STATISTICIAN: Someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an engineer. PRIEST: Someone addressed by everyone as "Father" except his children who call him "uncle". UROLOGIST: Someone who looks at your penis with disdain, touches it with disgust, then charges you as if he'd sucked it. LOVE: Four-letter word, two vowels, two consonants and two idiots. DANCING: The vertical frustration of a horizontal desire. INTELLECTUAL: Someone capable of thinking for more than 2 hours about something other than sex. MONOGAMY: Repressed polygamy. NANOSECOND: Fraction of time which occurs between the lights turning green and the car behind honking its horn. TEAMWORK: The possibility of putting the blame on others. EASY: Term applied to any woman with the sexual morals of a man. HARDWARE: The part of the computer which you kick when the software malfunctions. IMPATIENCE: Waiting in a hurry. INDIFFERENCE: Attitude adopted by a woman towards a man in whom she has no interest; interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get". INFLATION: Having to pay next years prices on last year's salary.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-21-2003 11:58 AM                        Rated G ..............Baby Blues EVERYTHING I NEEDED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM A JIGSAW PUZZLE By Jacquie Sewell 1. Don't force a fit--if something is meant to be, it will come together naturally. 2. When things aren't going so well, take a break. Everything will look different when you return. 3. Be sure to look at the big picture. Getting hung up on the little pieces only leads to frustration. 4. Perseverance pays off. Every important puzzle went together bit by bit, piece by piece. 5. When one spot stops working, move to another. But be sure to come back later (see #4). 6. The creator of the puzzle gave you the picture as a guidebook. Refer to the Creator's guidebook often. 7. Variety is the spice of life. It's the different colors and patterns that make the puzzle interesting. 8. Working together with friends and family makes any task fun. 9. Establish the border first. Boundaries give a sense of security and order. 10. Don't be afraid to try different combinations. Some matches are surprising. 11. Take time often to celebrate your successes (even little ones). 12. Anything worth doing takes time and effort. A great puzzle can't be rushed. 13. When you finally reach the last piece, don't be sad. Rejoice in the masterpiece you've made and enjoy a well-deserved rest.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-21-2003 01:25 PM                        G Classified Ads The Following Were Actually Taken From Classified Ads In Newspapers: FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG. FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD PART STUPID DOG FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD. 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS. 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15 TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800 COWS FOR SALE. NEVER BRED CALVES. ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE. FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL. NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS" HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!" HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB GEORGIA PEACHES CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb. NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR. EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175. OUR SOFA WILL SEAT THE WHOLE MOB. 100% ITALIAN LEATHER. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! SELLING WASHER & DRYER $300. ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER OPEN HOUSE BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON FREE COFFEE & DONUTS AND NOW FOR THE BEST OF THE LOT: FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 negotiable. No longer needed. Recently married; wife knows everything.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-21-2003 09:39 PM                        Rated G Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver's license. "Will there be any change of address?" inquired the clerk. "No," I replied. "Oh, good," she said, clearly delighted. "You got to keep the house."  |  IP: Logged

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