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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-09-2003 06:06 AM                        Rated G A PASSENGER IN A TAXI TAPPED THE DRIVER ON THE SHOULDER TO ASK HIM SOMETHING. THE DRIVER SCREAMED, LOST CONTROL OF THE CAB, NEARLY HIT A BUS, DROVE UP OVER THE CURB, AND STOPPED JUST INCHES FROM A LARGE PLATE GLASS WINDOW. FOR A FEW MOMENTS EVERYTHING WAS SILENT IN THE CAB, THEN THE DRIVER SAID, "PLEASE, DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN.  YOU SCARED THE DAYLIGHTS OUT OF ME". THE PASSENGER, WHO WAS ALSO FRIGHTENED, APOLOGIZED AND SAID HE DIDN'T REALIZE THAT A TAP ON THE SHOULDER COULD FRIGHTEN HIM SO MUCH, TO WHICH THE DRIVER REPLIED, "I'M VERY SORRY, IT'S REALLY NOT YOUR FAULT AT ALL, YOU SEE TODAY IS MY FIRST DAY DRIVING A CAB.  I'VE BEEN DRIVING A HEARSE FOR THE LAST 25 YEARS.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-09-2003 09:34 AM                        Rated R Questions & Answers What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan. What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. Why does a man have a hole in his penis? To get some air to his brain. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag. Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? One US leader. How can you tell when a man's had an orgasm? From the snoring. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts. Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together? 100 people who don't do dick. What does parsley and pubic hair have in common? You push it aside and keep on eating! How did the tugboat get AIDs? It was rear-ended by a ferry. A man came up with a new invention, a vibrating tampon. That way a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst. What does a 72-year-old snatch taste like? Depends... Define "Egghead:" What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty. What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive? Popeye almost killed him! What's the definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex. What two words will clear out a men's restroom? "Nice Dick!" What's the definition of eternity? Four blondes at a 4-way stop intersection. How do you know if a guy has a high sperm count? His girlfriend has to chew before swallowing! Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have? Palm Sunday. What do a dildo and soy beans have in common? They are both used as substitute meat. Why is sex like a game of bridge? If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner. What do a coffin and a condom have in common? They're both filled with stiffs, only one's coming and one's going. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob! How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your pecker. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard. Why do women have two sets of lips? So they can piss and moan at the same time.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-09-2003 09:56 AM                        Rated G Angry Woman Attacks House with Forklift PRAIRIE VILLAGE, KS (AheadOfNews.com) - A Prairie Village woman who attacked her house with a forklift has promised to seek counseling. Diane Fittipaldi, 2013 Sunset Lane, told Municipal Court Judge Levi Grantham that she had launched the attack as part of a long-standing feud with her husband about housekeeping. "Oliver is a horrible neat freak," Fittipaldi said, "and he drives me nuts about keeping everything tidy." After the couple argued about the proper alignment of table place settings, Fittipaldi rented a 3,000-pound, pneumatic tire forklift Tuesday evening and drove it through the front wall of their one-story frame house. According to neighbors who witnessed the incident, she used the machine to smash the dining room table. "Oliver yelled at me about where his fork was supposed to go," she said, "and I figured I'd fix it with a forklift." Neighbors said Fittipaldi seemed "wild-eyed" and distraught during the attack and kept screaming "Fork you!" at her husband, who took refuge in the kitchen. "She was not herself, I'm afraid," said neighbor Nancy Longo. "I think their marriage may have come to a fork in the road."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-09-2003 10:20 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler apparitions, like poetry and philosophy.But, the body has all the fun.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-09-2003 10:24 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Actual Answers Given By Contestants On The Game Show Family Feud: Name something a blind person might use - A sword Name a song with moon in the title - Blue suede moon Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar Name a dangerous race - The Arabs Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse Name something that floats in the bath - Water Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair Name something Red - My cardigan Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers A number you have to memorize - 7 Something you do before going to bed - Sleep Something you put on walls - Roofs Something in the garden that's green - Shed Something that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with wings Something you might be allergic to - Skiing Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog Something associated with the police - Pigs A sign of the zodiac - April Something slippery - A con-man A food that can be brown or white - Potato A jacket potato topping - Jam A famous Scotsman - Jock Another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones Something with a hole in it - Window A non living object with legs - Plant A domestic animal - Leopard A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee A way of cooking fish - Cod Something you open other than a door - Your bowels  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-09-2003 10:41 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Did you know that five of the most popular stolen items in a drugstore are batteries,cosmetics,film,sunglasses,and,get this,Preparation H.Apparently people are just too embarrassed to purchase the last item.And,just in case you are curious,one of Preparation H's main ingredient is shark liver oil.The oil not only helps shrink hemorrhoids,but will shrink any tissue. As a result,many older women in Florida use the stuff to help reduce the appearance of wrinkles!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-09-2003 11:28 AM                        Rated G The two ladies were sitting in the living room, waiting for their hostess,who was slightly delayed.The daughter of the family was with them,on the theory that she would keep the visitors occupied during the wait.The child was about six years old,snub nosed,freckled,buck toothed and bespectacled. She maintained a deep silence and the two ladies peered doubtfully at her. Finally,one of them muttered to the other,"Not very p-r-e-t-t-y, I fear,"carefully spelling the key word. Whereupon the child piped up, "But awful s-m-a-r-t!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-10-2003 10:44 AM                        Rated G Polytheists Claim to See Flaw in Evangelical Logic NEW ORLEANS, LA (AheadOfNews.com) - Polytheists were saying "I told you so" today after two evangelical missionary organizations based in the U.S. announced plans to go to Iraq to convert Muslims to Christianity. The leader of Samaritan's Purse, Franklin Graham, has called Islam "a very evil and wicked religion" and has said in one of his books that "the God of Islam is not the God of Christian faith." Likewise, the Rev. Jerry Vines of the Southern Baptists has said that Allah is not the same as Jehovah. Polytheists meeting in New Orleans this week said these statements merely revealed a basic flaw in evangelical logic. "The Christian evangelicals say they believe in one god in the same sentence that they talk about two gods," said Franklin Cooper, president of the Louisiana Polytheist Convention. "This gives them at least three main gods that I know of, Jehovah, Allah, and Satan." Franklin suggested that evangelicals "can never be monotheists because of their need for an enemy god or several enemy gods arranged along an axis of evil." By contrast, he said, Louisiana Polytheists experience life as a set of relationships among the banana god, the river god, the cat god, the cheese god, and the god of argyle socks. "None is the enemy," he said, "and, paradoxically, they may all be One.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-10-2003 11:58 AM                        Rated G These three guys wanted to come up with an original way to commit a bank robbery, so they thought and thought about it very hard, not knowing what would be truly original. Finally, one of them said, "I've got it! I've got a plan that we can use to rob the bank, using an elephant!" So, they got an elephant. Then they went to the bank and said, "This is a stick-up." Everyone saw what they were doing, and they were amazed. "Wow!" people though. "What a truly original idea, robbing the bank with an elephant!" And they all muttered praise for the robbers amongst themselves. When the four outlaws (three humans and a pachyderm) tried to leave, however, problems arose. No sooner had they left the bank, than the police arrived on the scene. As the criminals ran away with the loot, the police fired several rounds, killing the elephant. All three men came running back to their dead cohort, and they cried and wailed over him. "Oh no!" "I can't believe he's dead! "No!!!" "It should have been me instead!" They were in hysterics. One of the police officers saw this strange sight and came running up to them and asked, "What's all this fuss over an elephant? You guys might have gotten away with the money from the bank, but you came back and risked not only the money but your lives as well, and for what? An elephant, no less! I don't understand this." Then the leader of the crooks turned to him in his mourning, and he explained amid sobs, "But officer, you don't understand. You just COULDN'T understand. You don't know all the trouble we had getting the stocking over his head."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-10-2003 12:18 PM                        Rated G Did you hear about the Nihonjin guy who was working for this Hakujin guy in Los Angeles who would constantly put him down? All the Nihonjin guy would do when he was insulted, would be to bow and say, "This morning, every morning." Again, a put down, and again "This morning every morning." This went on week after week and a Nisei guy who was watching, got sick and tired of it and went to the Nihonjin guy and berated him, saying, "That Hakujin guy is insulting you and all you do is bow and say 'This morning, every morning.' Why don't you talk back? The Nihonjin guysaid, "I am talking back." The Nisei asked incredulously, "You'retalking back? Where do you get that?" The Nihonjin said, "I'm talking American, but I'm thinking Japanese." The Nisei asks, "What do you mean by that?" The Nihonjin says, "How do you say 'This morning' in Japanese? The Nisei thought, and finally answered, "Kessa". Then the Japanese asked, "How do you say 'Every morning' in Japanese?" The Nisei answered,"Mai assa". The Japanese answered, "Well".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-11-2003 01:04 PM                        Rated G Best-Selling Author to Discuss Molasses, Sore Feet WICHITA, KS (AheadOfNews.com) - Violet Newman is no shrinking flower. Author of Calculus in the Kitchen, Newman spends half her time writing best sellers and the other half giving inspirational lectures to audiences worldwide. "I enjoy getting ordinary people excited about things they never considered," she said, "such as making a flywheel or revising the dictionary." Winner of many honors and prizes, Newman is the only writer ever to have six books simultaneously on the New York Times best-seller hardcover nonfiction list. In early 2003, her Understanding Zoning Variances became #1 followed by Graphing Dung Beetle Movements in Three Dimensions, The Entirely Cardboard Diet, How to Cheat on Driver Exams Using Stochastic Variables, and Advanced Sexual Multi-Tasking. Newman will lecture on "Building a Portfolio of Molasses Futures" during a meeting of the Library Society of Wichita at 7 p.m. Thursday in the Elmore Fogg Room of the Century II Convention Center. She will also be the featured speaker Saturday at 2 p.m. in Riverside Park during the awards ceremony for the Wichita Half-Marathon. Her topic will be "Home Repair of the Proximal Fifth Metatarsal."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-11-2003 01:15 PM                        Rated G Lorraine "To do is to be." -Descartes "To be is to do." -Voltaire "Do be do be do." -Frank Sinatra  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-13-2003 03:51 PM                        Rated PG Having A Good Day The man had finally got around to taking all the broken umbrellas to the repair shop.Next morning on his way to his office,when he got up to leave the street car,he absentmindedly laid hold of the umbrella belonging to the woman beside him,for he was in the habit of carrying one. The woman cried "Stop! Thief!",grabbed her umbrella back and embarrassed the poor man no end! That same day,he stopped at the repair shop,and received all eight of his umbrellas duly restored.As he entered the street car,with the unwrapped umbrellas tucked under his arm,he was horrified to behold,glaring at him,the lady of his morning's misadventure. Her voice came to him charged with a withering scorn:"Had a good day,didn't you!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-13-2003 03:57 PM                        Rated G Prolific Novelist Hopes to Be Discovered BUTTE, MT (AheadOfNews.com) - With the recent publication of Olive Twist, a Butte man may have become the most prolific writer of all time. Even so, few people have heard of him. More productive that Stephen King and Earle Stanley Gardner combined, Harley B. King has self-published 405 novels under various pen names such as Eliot George and Joyce James. “I can bash out a 300-page work in a week,” said King, who taught himself to type using only his big toes. Other recent King publications include A Farewell to Elbows by Ernestine Hemingway, Elderberry Finn by Mark Twine, Moby Foot by Mel Villa, The Grapes of Ruth by Joan Stoneback, and Omelette by Willa Shakespeare. Next up? A nonfiction biomedical text called Origin of Feces. King, 27, ships his finished manuscripts to Bench Press, a “vanity” publisher in Sheridan, Wyo., for printing and binding. An initial run of 1,500 copies costs about $8,000, he said, adding that he rarely sells anything. He has more than a half million books stored at Big Mountain Warehouse in downtown Butte. “I have no marketing plan,” he said, “beyond my rich mommy. Eventually, I sort of hope to be discovered.”  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-13-2003 04:06 PM                        Rated PG Lorraine RESUME BLOOPERS: How bad a mistake can you make on your resume? Here are some real-life examples: "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable." "Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting." "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store." "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet." "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse." "I am a rabid typist." "Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side." "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business." "Proven ability to track down and correct erors." "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far." "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one." "References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me." "Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer." "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers." "My goal is to be a meteorologist.But since I possess no training in meteorology,I suppose I should try stock brokerage." "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant." "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail." "Qualifications: No education or experience." "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets." "Accomplishments:Oversight of entire department." "Extensive background in accounting.I can also stand on my head!" Cover letter:"Thank you for your consideration.Hope to hear from you shorty!"  |  IP: Logged

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