|
|
 
|
|
Author
|
Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 07-09-2003 06:58 AM
Rated PG ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
A couple was going out for the evening. They had gotten ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out the door, the cat shot back in. They didn't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife went out to the taxi while the husband went upstairs to chase the cat out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explained to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he said. "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!" ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 07-09-2003 07:20 AM
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
Interesting People
* Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
* A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.
* A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.
* The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 07-09-2003 07:42 AM
Rated G Sue Bee
Phone Music
For those of you who always wanted to play a musical instrument butnever got around to learning how, may I present: Phone Music, to beplayed on a touchtone phone.(Yes, some people have too much time on their hands.)
Key to symbology:
Commas (,) pauses
Hyphens (-) held notes
Mary Had A Little Lamb
3212333,222,133,212333322321
Jingle Bells
333,333,39123,666-663333322329,333,333,39123,666-6633,
399621
Frere Jacques
4564,4564,69#,69#,#*#964,#*#964,414,414
Olympic Fanfare
3-9-91231,2222-32112312,3-9-91231,2222-32112321
The Butterfly Song
963,23621,3693236236932362,963,23621
Happy Birthday
112,163,112,196,110,8521,008,121
Generic Arabian tune
453 54 4569564 459 9#95458 8987 453 54
Way Down Upon the Swanee River
321321045,6842,321321945,654224
Auld Lang Syne
8444684891439#
P.S. Any phone bills you have or questions regarding should be
forwarded to Bill Gates.
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 07-09-2003 11:07 AM
Rated G
Official Baby Boomer Qualifying Exam
QUESTION #1:
Name the Beatles - both the first and last name of each, of course. Consider this a warm-up. [If you can't answer this one without thinking, close up the test, and move on to something else. We have nothing further to discuss.]
______________________________ ______________________________
______________________________ ______________________________
QUESTION #2:
Finish the line: "Lions and tigers and bears, ____ _____!"
Admittedly, this came along before we boomers were born. But we remember it from both the movies and the boob tube.
QUESTION #3:
"Hey kids, what time is it?" ______ _________ ________ ________.
QUESTION #4:
What do M&M's do? _____ ___ ______ ________, _____ ___ ____ _______.
QUESTION #5:
What helps build strong bodies 12 ways? _________ _________.
QUESTION #6:
Long before he was Mohammed Ali, before he was The Greatest, we knew him as _________ _________.
QUESTION #7:
"You'll wonder where the yellow went, _____ ____ ______ _____ ______ _____ ___________."
QUESTION #8:
Those post-baby boomers, or baby boomer wannabes, know Bob Denver as the Skipper's "little buddy." But we true boomers know that Bob Denver is actually Dobie's closest friend, M_____________ K _____________.
QUESTION #9:
M-I-C: See ya' real soon; K-E-Y: _____? _________ ___ ______ _______."
QUESTION #10:
Definition: A "streaker" is someone who might go running through the lobby of the girls' dormitory ______________.
QUESTION #11:
"Brylcream: ___ ________ _______ _______ ______ _______."
QUESTION #12:
Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone ________ ____.
QUESTION #13:
>From the early days of our music, real rock 'n roll, finish this line:
"I wonder, wonder, wonder...wonder who; _______ _______ ____ _______ ___ _______."
QUESTION #14:
And while we're remembering rock n' roll, try this one: "War...uh-huh, huh...yea; what is it good for? ___________ ____________."
QUESTION #15:
This is from a kinder and gentler protest song, but the question is just as profound: Where have all the flowers gone? Perhaps you could use a little help here:
"Where have all the flowers gone, long time passing? Where have all the flowers gone? ____ ______ _____."
QUESTION #16:
Meanwhile, back home in Metropolis, Superman fights a never-ending battle for truth, justice, and ____ _______________ _______.
QUESTION #17:
He came out of the University of Alabama, and became one of the best quarterbacks in the history of the NFL and later went on to appear in a television commercial wearing women's stockings. He is Broadway ______ _____________.
QUESTION #18:
"I'm Popeye the sailor man; I'm Popeye the sailor man. I'm strong to the finish, ______ __ _____ ___ _______. I'm Popeye the sailor man."
QUESTION #19:
Your children probably recall that Peter Pan was recently played by Robin Williams, but we will always remember when Peter was played by
___________ ____________.
QUESTION #20:
In the movie, The Graduate, young Benjamin, played by Dustin Hoffman was counseled about his future, and told to consider one thing:
_______________.
QUESTION #21:
In another movie from the late sixties, Paul Newman played Luke, a ne'er do well who was sent to a prison camp for cutting off the heads of parking meters with a pipe cutter. When he was captured after an unsuccessful attempt to escape, the camp commander (played by Strother Martin) used this experience as a lesson for the other prisoners, and explained, "What we have here, ____ ___ ___________ _____ _________________."
QUESTION #22:
In 1962, a dejected politician chastised the press after losing a race for governor while announcing his retirement from politics. "Just think, you won't have ________ ____________ to kick around any more."
QUESTION #23:
"Every morning, at the mine, you could see him arrive; He stood six foot, six, weighted 245. Kinda' broad at the shoulder, and narrow at the hip. And everybody knew you didn't give no lip, ___ ____ _______."
QUESTION #24:
"I found my thrill, _____ ____________ __________________." You may remember Riche Cunningham singing this. But if you are a true boomer, you know it was Fats Domino who made this line famous.
QUESTION #25:
"Good night, Mrs. Calabash, ___________ ____ ____." This originated long before even the first of us boomers was born. But in order to be a true baby boomer, you have to have some breadth.
QUESTION #26:
"Good night, David." "_________ _________,__________."
QUESTION #27:
"Liar, liar, ______ ___ _____."
QUESTION #28:
"When it's least expected, you're elected; You're the star today.
Smile! _______ ___ _______ _______."
QUESTION #29:
>From our parents' day, as I recall, it was Pogo, the comic strip
character, who said, "We have met the enemy, and ____ ____ _____."
QUESTION #30:
Who put the bop in the bop she-bop she-bop?
___________________________________________
You're on your own; no answers were provided...but if you're a real baby boomer, you already know them. If not, they probably wouldn't make sense to you anyway...go ask your parents.
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 07-09-2003 11:45 AM
Rated R
Short Takes
Comedy by George Carlin
* We're all fucked. It helps to remember that.
* The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.
* White people fucked up the blues.
* If you love someone, set them free; if they come home, set them on fire
* Try explaining Hitler to a kid.
* It is a sad thing to see an Indian wearing a cowboy hat.
* Those who dance are considered insane by those who can't hear the music.
* I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
* You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
* Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is getting' ready to hang himself.
* A courtesy bus driver once told me to go fuck myself.
* There ought to be at least one round state.
* If I had only one tooth, I think I would brush it a real long time.
* I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.
* Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate.
* Which is more immoral? Killing two 100-pound people or killing one 300-pound person?
* My definition of bad luck: catching AIDS from a Quaker.
* Nothing rhymes with nostril.
* Sometimes I look out the airplane window at a large city at night and wonder how many people are fucking.
* Regarding Red Riding Hood: Wolves can't be all that bad if they'll eat your grandmother. Even Grandpa won't do that.
* They said on the news that tests on monkeys showed HIV can be transmitted through oral sex. What I want to know is, who had to blow the monkeys??
* Some things a king never has to say: "Can I play, too?" "Hey guys, wait for me." "I never seem to get laid."
* Simon Says, Go Fuck Yourself.
* There's a moment coming. It's not here yet. It's still on the way. It's in the future. It hasn't arrived. Here it comes. Here it is shit! It's gone.
* A meltdown sounds like fun. Like some kind of cheese sandwich.
* No one can ever know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
* If it ain't broke, break it.
* My phone number is seventeen. We got one of the early ones.
* Why are there no recreational drugs taken in suppository form?
* Imagine meeting your maker and finding out it's Frito-Lay.
* Sometimes I can't recall my mental blocks, so I try not to think about it.
* If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
* I'm very lucky. The only time I was ever up shit creek, I just happened to have a paddle with me.
* When will the rhetorical questions all end?
* Hard work is for people short on talent.
* Recent polls reveal that some people have never been polled. Until recently.
* I went to the Missing Persons' Bureau. No one was there.
* George Washington's brother is the Uncle of our Country.
* You don't meet many Japanese guys named Biff.
* If a really stupid person becomes senile, how can you tell?
* Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.
* If cockpit voice recorders are so indestructible, why don't they just build an airplane that's one big cockpit voice recorder?
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 07-10-2003 12:24 PM
Rated G
Beer Party Leads to Bad Tattoos
FLAT ROCK, PA (AheadOfNews.com) - Four Flat Rock University students expressed regret today for taking part in a wild tattoo party that left them covered with "bad jokes and misspellings." One of them has filed suit against the other three.
Len Frisson, whose father owns Indelible Ink Tattoo in downtown Flat Rock, persuaded three friends to join him in "an orgy of self-expression." After drinking what Frisson called "way too much beer," Zeke Masonry, Elizabeth Jones, Stella Skink, and Frisson took turns engraving "amusing" messages on each other's body parts.
The messages included "Return to Sander" on Masonry's forearm, "Press to Open" just below Skink's navel, and "Duh!" across Frisson's forehead.
"We laughed a lot while we were doing it, but now it doesn't seem funny at all," said an apologetic Frisson, his forehead covered with a red bandana.
The incident became public after Jones reported it to university authorities. The 22-year-old sociology major is seeking $25,000 in damages from the other three for what she describes as "unauthorized tattoos."
"They told me they were writing my name across my bottom," she said. "Instead, what they wrote was 'Wide Load.'"
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classicTM
6.3.1.2
The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion
and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.
|
Home
Topic Closed
Printer-friendly view of this topic