Topic Closed

my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Miscellaneous - Part Two (Page 46)

This topic comprises 101 pages: 1  2  3  ...  43  44  45  46  47  48  49  ...  99  100  101

Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-17-2003 08:34 AM                        Rated PG Rams These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and Housing associations throughout the UK: 1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. 2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. 3. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence. 4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off. 5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall. 6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant? 7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy. 8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared. 9. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny colour and not fit to drink. 10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. 11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6:00am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me. 12. The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. 13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it. 14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night. 15. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife. 16. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have had no satisfaction. 17. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus in it. 18. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-18-2003 01:20 PM                        Rated G Cat Ownership Good for Soul, Study Shows WILMINGTON, DE (AheadOfNews.com) - People with pet cats have larger, more robust souls than people without, according to a study published today in the New England Journal of Medicine.The study measured the souls of 1,500 nurses in Delaware and found the souls of the cat owners among them to be, on average, more than twice as long and almost four times as wide as those of catless nurses. The souls were measured using "highly sensitive, carefully calibrated instruments" designed for that purpose, according to Dr. Enrico Gatto of the Institute of Feline-Human Interconnectivity in Wilmington. Gatto also noted that the nurses with cats seemed to "bounce back faster" from emotional disappointments and that the souls of the cat owners "shimmered." The study also tracked the impact on the soul of other household pets. No friends of canines, rodents, or reptiles in the study possessed souls as hefty as those of subjects with even one domestic shorthair cat. Yet most pets were found to be somewhat beneficial. Any pets are better than no pets, the data suggest. Those nurses who had no animals in their homes had "paltry, shriveled souls," Gatto said. "And brown as a dead leaf. They were a sorry sight to behold." Effects on the soul did vary considerably from one species to another. For example, "there is almost no spiritual benefit to poodle ownership," said Gatto. "You get quite a bit of uplift from a Great Dane or a Saint Bernard. But you would have to acquire 6.3 Chihuahuas to grow a soul like a person who has just one gerbil." The good news is that the damage inflicted by a pet-poor lifestyle appears to be reversible. "Some of the nurses went out and got kittens" when they saw the results of the study, Gatto said. In a follow-up examination, "we found their souls swelled considerably in just three to four weeks." For those unwilling or unable to keep cats, Gatto suggested adopting two or more large dogs. "You must go to great lengths," he said, "to fill the hole left in your soul by catlessness."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-18-2003 01:34 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee REALLY?? "Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not at all true. I have the heart of a young boy. ...In a Jar.On my desk. -- Steven King  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-18-2003 06:25 PM                        Rated G Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection. One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and turns to the obituaries page. He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column. He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database. It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Brad up. "Brad, are you up yet?" asks Mike. Brad sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee." "Brad. open the newspaper to page 31." "Why, what's in the paper?" "Brad, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!" "Ok, Ok, I've got the paper here, so what's in page 31?" "Brad, open the paper to page 31 already!" "All right, don't be such a pain so early in the morning already. So, what's on page 31 that's so important?" "Brad, look at the bottom of column 4." "Why? What's that story on?" "Brad, read the story on the bottom of the column already!" "OK, OK, I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!" The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues. Finally, Brad comes on the line quietly and fearfully asks, "So Mike, where are you calling me from right now?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-19-2003 07:40 AM                        Rated G BabyBlues The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-19-2003 07:42 AM                        Rated PG Michele The Erotic Bakery, in Seattle, Washington, specializes in cakes decorated with chocolate curls and marzipan models of, well, you know ... let's just say they live up to their name. On the readerboard in the window, "Together we can lick pornography."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-19-2003 10:09 AM                        Rated G "Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead." The Warner Brothers  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-19-2003 10:11 AM                        Rated G If you have ended up in hell, and your mad at someone, where do you tell him to go?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-19-2003 10:59 AM                        Rated PG Events NOT covered by Halllmark: 1. I always wanted To have someone to hold, Someone to love. After meeting you ... (inside card) I changed my mind. 2. I must admit, You brought religion into my life ... (inside card) I never believed in Hell until I met you. 3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am .. (inside card) That you're not here to ruin it for me. 4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go ... (inside card) Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again. 5. Someday I hope to marry .... (inside card) Someone other than you. 6. Happy birthday! You look great for your age ... (inside card) Almost life-like! 7. When we were together, You said you'd die for me.. . (inside card) Now we've broken up, I think it's time To keep your promise. 8. We've been friends for a very long time ... (inside card) What do you say we stop? 9. I'm so miserable without you ... (inside card) It's almost like you're still here. 10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy... (inside card) Did you ever find out who the father was? 11. You are such a good friend If we were on a sinking ship And there was only one life jacket ... (inside card) I'd miss you terribly and think of you often. 12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday. . . . (inside card) So we're having you put to sleep. 13. Looking back o'er the years We've been together, I can't help but wonder ... (inside card) What was I thinking?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-20-2003 08:45 AM                        Rated PG List of the Funniest Bumper Stickers In America 1. Constipated People Don't Give A shit. 2. That is so five minutes ago!! 3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People. 4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon? 5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut. 6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point. 7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better. 8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant. 9. Thank You For Pot Smoking. 10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing. 11. If At First You Don't Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling. 12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings". 13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer. 14. Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger. 15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger. 16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass. 17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me 18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home 19. I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha 20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me 21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time 22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult 23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away? 24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name 25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway 26. Illiterate? Write For Help 27. Honk If Anything Falls Off 28. Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes 29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit 30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person 31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool! 32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To 33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket? 34. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong... 38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back! 39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... [Seen Upside Down On A Jeep] 40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph. 41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge 42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut? 43. Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One. 44. Ax Me About Ebonics 45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel 46. Boldly Going Nowhere 47. Cat: The Other White Meat 48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde 49. Don't Be Sexist - Bitches Hate That 50. Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends. 51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window 52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost? 53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets. 54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch 55. Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It! 56. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom. 57. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN. 58. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets. 59. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them 60. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 61. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. 62. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore. 63. So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious. 64. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad? 65. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-24-2003 07:47 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee To impress his date,the young man took her to a very chic Italian restaurant. After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered. "We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said. "Sorry, sir," said the waiter. "That"s the owner."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-24-2003 07:54 AM                        Rated G Michele A panhandling bum is walking along in the theater district just around matinee time. The streets are crowded with people rushing to get in to their shows. The bum sees a well dressed man walking along and goes up to him and asks, "Sir, can I borrow a quarter?" The man stops and says in a very dignified tone, "Neither a borrower nor a lender be! - William Shakespeare." The bum looks back at the man and says, "Up yours, you cheap bastard - Darryl Johnson."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-24-2003 08:08 AM                        Rated G Two men were discussing cars and one of them mentioned he had once owned a Rolls-Kinardly. "What is a Rolls-Kinardly?" his friend asked. "That," the man explained, "Is a car that rolls down one hill "and kinardly get up the next."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-24-2003 12:32 PM                        Rated G What's the maximum number of people Earth can hold? A In 1999 our fair planet arrived at an alarming benchmark. According to the United Nations,sometime in mid-October,a child was born somewhere in the world and global population officially reached six billion "homo sapiens". If that doesn't plunge you into a Malthusian funk,consider that at present population growth rates,the world will be home to 694 billion humans by the year 2150. You don't have to be a "deep ecology" hairshirt to wonder: Can the planet stand that many people? Is there enough soil,water, and air to keep 694 billion human hearts beating? The best guess is,probably not.Of course,the Cassandras have been wrong before,and many optimists maintain that human ingenuity can arrest these trends and solve the attendant environmental problems as they arise.But in recent years demographers and environmentalists have turned their attention with an increasing sense of alarm to the question of our planet's maximum occupancy or carrying capacity,as it's usually called. Though it's a nearly impossible number to divine, the median estimates range anywhere from 7.7 billion to 12 billion people— figures we should easily reach within the present century. And then what? Does the planet slip from its orbit? Does it collapse under its own demographic weight? Does everything. . . stop? Doomsayers have warned about a coming "demographic winter," when our population spirals will be corrected by massive viral epidemics, wars, or environmental catastrophes on a scale never seen before. But most likely all that will happen is that life will become increasingly miserable for all of us: bad air, bad water, bad food, and less of it. The apocalypse won't be apocalyptic, it will come in shabby little increments, against the backdrop of an ever more toxic and more attenuated ecosphere. Take Cairo or Manila on a bad day,and that will be the human condition. "What's the planet's carrying capacity?" writes Rockefeller University demographer Joel Cohen, author of "How Many People Can the Earth Support? "The fact is that no single number exists. It's a trick question, because the answer really depends on what people want out of life." ~source used: "Why Moths Hate Thomas Edison" by Hampton Sides~  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-24-2003 03:23 PM                        Rated G While being interviewed, wise old King Solomon was asked why he had 1000 wives. His reply. "Well, with 1000 wives.... hopefully at least one of them won't have a headache."  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 101 pages: 1  2  3  ...  43  44  45  46  47  48  49  ...  99  100  101

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.