Topic Closed

my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Miscellaneous - Part Two (Page 23)

This topic comprises 101 pages: 1  2  3  ...  20  21  22  23  24  25  26  ...  99  100  101

Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-12-2003 07:38 AM                        Rated G OVERHEARD IN A RESTAURANT Waitress: Are you very Hungry? Diner: Yes, Siam. Waitress: What would you like me to Serbia? Diner: I'll have a Turkey sandwich and a cup of coffee. Waitress: Would you like anything India coffee? Diner: Just a Cuba sugar would be fine. Waitress: Okay, I'll Russia your order. Diner: I hope the sandwich doesn't have any Greece on it.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-12-2003 10:20 AM                        Rated G Harding Stops Tyson in Nine MEMPHIS, TN (AheadOfNews.com) - The world of boxing turned upside down Monday when Tonya Harding defeated Mike Tyson on a TKO in Round 9 of their long-anticipated celebrity fight. The experts had given Harding, the former figure skating champion, little chance of defeating "Iron Mike," who outweighed her, 236 pounds to 123. Flexing muscles at a recent weigh-in, he promised to "finish her off in one bite." Tyson, however, underestimated Harding's speed, agility, and determination. Entering the ring pale and trembling in Round 1, she ran from Tyson at the sound of the bell and eluded his attempts to catch her. Neither fighter landed a blow until Round 8. After seven-plus rounds of lumbering, swinging, and failing to connect, Tyson grew tired. It was then that Harding delivered her first blows, a series of punishing jabs to Tyson's left knee. By early in Round 9, the fight was over. Tyson, seething and hopping around on one leg, fell to the mat and would not get up. "I wore him out with a lot of jumps, spins, and triple axles in the early rounds," a jubilant Harding said in a post-brawl interview. "After that, I gave him the double whammy." Tyson told reporters after the fight that he was giving up boxing for poetry and bonsai.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-12-2003 10:32 AM                        Rated G Ralph in Brooklyn BARKING DOG: Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at 4:44 A.M. by his ringing telephone. "Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice. Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up. The next morning at precisely 4:44 A.M., Bernard called his neighbor back. "Good morning, Mr. Williams. Just called to say that I don't have a dog."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-13-2003 07:00 AM                        Rated G Undisclosed Locations Gain Popularity WASHINGTON, DC (AheadOfNews.com) - Dick Cheney and Osama bin Laden may not be the only ones with undisclosed locations to go to someday soon. Washington DC developer Phil Wallins says that people have a deep subconscious need to "escape" from time to time. "Everyone likes to get away from the people who are constantly bugging them," says Wallins, "but until recently, that's been regarded as a sign of weakness or fear. Leaders like Dick Cheney make it easier on others who share the same desires, We call it 'going into the closet', since the primary objective of an undisclosed location is secrecy." Wallins and others have been constructing secret hide-aways in rural areas and in discreetly hidden spaces tucked away in industrial buildings and factories. "It can be anything from a tiny studio apartment behind three feet of soundproofing in a parking ramp, to a secluded 20-room mansion 5 miles up a tiny logging road in the mountains" says Wallins. If Wallins and other developers have their way, undisclosed locations will soon be available for nearly anyone no matter what their budget. "My favorite is a two-bedroom apartment hidden behind a false brick wall in the wine cellar of a fancy downtown restaurant," he adds. "It's behind the cask of Amontillado." ;D  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-13-2003 08:46 AM                        Rated G Becky WHAT IS A BACHELOR? * One who avoids Bride-Eyed women. * One who believes in Life, Liberty and the Happiness of Pursuit. * One who believes in Wine, Women and So-Long. * One who believes that one can live as cheaply as two. * One who can forget his mistakes. * One who can get into bed from either side. * One who can leave his socks and wallet lying around the house. * One who can tell his symptoms to his doctor without having his wife interrupt. * One who can't be Spouse-Broken. * One who cheated some woman out of a divorce. * One who doesn't have to leave the party when he starts having a good time. * One who never chases a woman he couldn't outrun. * One who never Mrs. Anything. * One who prefers ripe tomatoes with little dressing. * One who wakes up in the morning with all the blankets. * One who, when he opens the window in his apartment, more dust blows out than in.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-13-2003 09:01 AM                        Rated R * Save the trees, wipe your ass with an owl. * Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of days I've stayed alive! * I saw a woman with the word 'Guess' on it, I said, "implants?" * Stay in drugs, drink school and don't do milk. * If hot air rises, why is it so cold in outter space? * If dogs eat out of dog bowls, why do you eat off of a plate? * My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems. * At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. * People like you are the reason people like me need medication. * How come Windex doesn't taste like it smells?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-13-2003 09:08 AM                        Rated G ..........Betty Cowboy's Ten Commandments Just one God. Honor yer Ma & Pa. No telling tales or gossipin'. Git yourself to Sunday meeting. Put nothin' before God. No foolin' around with another fellow's gal. No killin'. Watch yer mouth. Don't take what ain't yers. Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff. Guess cowboys just kinda tell it like it is!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-13-2003 09:16 AM                        Rated G * Friends are people that know you well, but like you anyways. * Friendship is like money, easier made than kept. * Count your age with friends but not with years. * A friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out. * A true friend is sombody who can make us do what we can.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-13-2003 09:24 AM                        Rated G Becky Eye Rollers: ******** Derek: My favorite bird is a gulp. Erik: What's a gulp? Derek: It's a little bigger than a swallow. * Kyle: Why did Santa use only seven reindeer this year? Cody: Why? Kyle: Because he left Comet at home to clean the sink. * Matt: What do you call a mushroom that tells great jokes? Pat: What? Matt: A fungi to be with.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-13-2003 06:19 PM                        Rated G Scientists Discover Enormously Long Sentence CONSTANT WIND, ND (AheadOfNews.com) - Scientists in a top secret government laboratory here in the northernmost extremities of the U.S. portion of the Great Plains, best known for its cereal grains, incessant wind, and unbearable winters, today announced, without any of the usual preliminary fanfare and trumpeting by scientific public relations wonks, the discovery by a highly trained and heavily bearded group of chemists, biologists, physicists, astronomers, and writers of some of the world's most ridiculous and occasionally gross and insulting satires, of what they claim to be, notwithstanding counterclaims by scientists and satirists in Poland who claim to have discovered an even bigger one, or parodists, not well-tolerated by their more-or-less totalitarian or at least highly authoritarian government, in China (the mainland, that is, not Taiwan or Hong Kong or even little reed-covered islands whose names have been temporarily misplaced) the world's longest, measured in inches or centimeters, whichever you prefer, sentence, which, as informed figures in certain important departments of the Federal government have been assuring everyone, contains nothing particularly useful or interesting that could be recorded in history books and studied many years hence by small children or perhaps memorized by them and recited in class to their peers and even their mothers and fathers if they care to attend on one of those days like Helpful Grandparents Day when all of the aged grandparental units are supposed to go to the elementary school in the middle of the morning and look famously wise, grizzled, and proud, especially of their clean, shiny, hopping-up-and-down grandchildren and the fact that these very same grandchildren grasp the basic concepts of elementary algebra even though they are required by the state at this age merely to be able to count to 10 and, in reading class as opposed to math class, to read words with not very many letters in them, like the word "stop."  |  IP: Logged Daryl C. W. O'Shea Film God Posts: 3977 From: Midland Ontario Canada (where Panavision & IMAX lenses come from) Registered: Jun 2002 posted 03-14-2003 07:21 AM                        Rated G CANADIAN OIL SHORTAGE, AN EXPLANATION... FINALLY!! There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in Canada. Well, there's a very simple answer...... Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. All our oil is in Alberta. All our dipsticks are in Ottawa  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-14-2003 11:50 AM                        Rated G Iraq Destroys Smoking Gun; Cheerful Troops Head Home WASHINGTON (AheadOfNews.com) - Billions of people worldwide celebrated in the streets today when U.S. and British troops headed home from a cancelled invasion of Iraq. War threats ended Tuesday when U.S. President George W. Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair cheerfully agreed that Iraq had destroyed its "Super Dirty Harry" weapon. The sudden withdrawal occurred days after United Nations weapons inspectors discovered the gun, a .50 caliber, five-shot revolver marketed by Smith and Wesson. "We found it lying in plain view on the sands of the Syrian Desert near Rutba," said Helmut Sondheim, the weapons inspector who first saw the secret weapon. "It was smoking heavily." Discovery of the 4 ½ pound gun, roughly a pound heavier than the .44 Magnum carried by American Actor Clint Eastwood in his movie role as Dirty Harry, quickly led to its destruction by Iraqi gun-melters as inspectors watched. In a joint announcement, the Bush-Blair team expressed delight at reaching a peaceful resolution of the crisis and voiced regret for "having made the world all sweaty about Iraq." "Whew!" Bush said, hugging one of his favorite liberal newspaper reporters. "That was a close one."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-17-2003 12:15 PM                        Rated G Reversal of Aging Produces Familiar Results SOLAR CITY, AZ (AheadOfNews.com) - Either way, it adds up to zero. That could be the motto of the 25,000 residents of this planned retirement community in sunny Arizona. Until Dr. L. Barker Plasma set up his Fountain of Youth clinic in Solar City, the average resident was 72 years old. In fact, the former rules of the unincorporated community forbid anyone under the age of 18 from living here permanently. That began to change when Plasma, based on science from the Startrek movie Insurrection, invented the Metaphasic Radiation Coil. The device reverses the aging process and achieves the same results as the fabled Fountain of Youth sought by Spanish explorer Ponce de Leon. "We offer a full line of massage, skin care, hair regeneration, and body sculpting," Plasma said, "but many of our customers choose the Metaphasic instead. We just run them through the coil, and they start to de-age." Unfortunately, the process, rapid and irreversible, has raised doubts in some who once seemed ecstatic. In just slightly over two years, the youngest users of Metaphasic have disappeared entirely. Fifty-five years old when they went through the coil, they quickly passed through middle age, youth, puberty, childhood, and several weeks of helpless arm-waving, eye-rolling, and gurgling before growing smaller and smaller until they vanished from the laboratory containers called petri dishes in which they spent their last few days. Groups of others who were older when they passed through the coil in 2001 are approaching the ages of 13, 7, and 2. "Not everybody likes it," Plasma admitted, "when their acne comes back, or when our professional nannies make them eat spinach, or when they get downsized to wearing diapers in the nursery. Their final disappearance, though, is incredibly tidy."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-17-2003 01:27 PM                        Rated G DNA: A complex organic molecule characterized as the building block of life and appropriately shaped like a spiral staircase to nowhere. FIBER: Edible wood pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so that we might enjoy another six or eight years in which to consume wood pulp. MATH ANXIETY: An intense lifelong fear of two trains approaching each other at speeds of 60 and 80 mph. MUGGER: A benevolent citizen of the streets who frequently spares the lives of total strangers in exchange for any cash and valuables in their possession. LAWYER:A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying client; thus considered the most suitable background for entry into politics. STATE-OF-THE-ART: Soon-to-be-obsolete POSITIVE THINKING: Self-improvement through self-deception.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-17-2003 08:57 PM                        Rated G Administration Sees Emerging Threat in Lawn Chairs WASHINGTON (AheadOfNews.com) - One of 18 key Bush administration arguments for attacking Iraq fell briefly into doubt Monday when the United Nations chief nuclear inspector told the U.N. Security Council that Iraq does not appear to be enriching uranium. The administration had claimed that Iraq was trying to buy aluminum tubes to use in centrifuges to enrich uranium for bombs. However, Mohamed ElBaradei, director general of the International Atomic Energy Agency told the U.N. Security Council that the tubes in question were being used to make lawn chairs. "There is no indication of resumed nuclear activity in Iraq," he said. "However, Iraq has a large number of aluminum lawn chairs placed in strategic sun-tan locations across the desert." U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell, in a statement to the Security Council, acknowledged ElBaradei's findings but also cited "new evidence" that the chairs could double as centrifuges. He referred repeatedly to "this emerging chair threat." "Recliners are twice as dangerous as straight-backed chairs because of the length of the tubes," he said. "It's only a matter of time until Saddam converts his lawn chairs into weapons of mass destruction."  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 101 pages: 1  2  3  ...  20  21  22  23  24  25  26  ...  99  100  101

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.