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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 09-11-2003 07:03 PM                        The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water. After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief. The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said, "You know , I have a special gift, I can read minds." "Impossible," said the embarrassed man, "You really know what I think?" "Yes," the lady replied, "Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-12-2003 10:22 AM                        Rated G Michele The Wisdom of Homer Simpson "Now son,you don't want to drink beer.That's for Daddies,and kids with fake IDs." "Marge,it takes two to lie.One to lie and one to listen." "Maybe,just once,someone will call me 'sir' without adding, "You're making a scene." "Marge,don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn.It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel." "If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet,they're about to announce the lottery numbers." "Son,when you participate in sporting events,it's not whether you win or lose:it's how drunk you get." "Lisa,if you don't like your job you don't strike.You just go in every day and do it really half-assed.That's the American way."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-12-2003 04:01 PM                        Rated G Michele This correction appeared in the Northwest Indiana TIMES: The name of Grace Shrader,a seventh-grade winner in the TIMES Spelling Bee,was misspelled in the March 2 Porter County Edition. The TIMES regrets the error.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-12-2003 04:03 PM                        Rated G Michele "When you're a parent you're a prisoner of war.You can't go anywhere without paying someone to come and look after your kids. In the old days,babysitters were paid about 50 cents an hour,and they'd steam clean the carpet and detail your car. Now they've got their own union. I couldn't afford it,so I asked my mother to come over. The sitters called her a scab and beat her up on the front lawn."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-14-2003 05:54 AM                        Rated G Alex Romeo and Juliet, Internet Version --------------------- Act 1 ----------------------- Login: Romeo : R u awake? Want 2 chat? Juliet: O Rom. Where4 art thou? Romeo: Outside yr window. Juliet: Stalker! Romeo: Had 2 come. feeling jiggy. Juliet: B careful. My family h8 u. Romeo: Tell me about it. What about u? Juliet: 'm up for marriage f u are.. Is tht a bit fwd? Romeo: No. Yes. No. Oh, dsnt mat-r, 2moro @ 9? Juliet: Luv U xxxx Romeo: CU then xxxx --------------------- Act 2 ----------------------- Friar: Do u? Juliet: I do Romeo: I do --------------------- Act 3 ----------------------- Juliet: Come bck 2 bed. It's the nightingale not the lark. Romeo: OK Juliet: !!! I ws wrong !!!. It's the lark. U gotta go. Or die. Romeo: Damn. I shouldn't hv wasted Tybalt & gt banished. Juliet: When CU again? Romeo: Soon. Promise. Dry sorrow drinks our blood.Adieu. Juliet: Miss u big time. --------------------- Act 4 ----------------------- Nurse: Yr mum says u have 2 marry Paris!! Juliet: No way. Yuk yuk yuk. n-e-way, am mard 2 Rom. --------------------- Act 5 ----------------------- Friar: Really? O no.U wl have 2 take potion that makes u look ded. Juliet: Gr8. --------------------- Act 6 ----------------------- Romeo: J-why r u not returning my texts? Romeo: RUOK? Am abroad but phone still works. Romeo: TEXT ME! Batty: Bad news.J dead.Sorry m8. --------------------- Act 7 ----------------------- Romeo: J-wish u wr able 2 read this...am now poisoning & and climbingin yr grave.LUV U Ju xxxx --------------------- Act 8 ----------------------- Juliet: R-got yr text! Am alive! Ws faking it! Whr RU? Oh... Friar: Vry bad situation. Juliet: Nightmare. LUVU2. Always.Dagger.Ow!!! Logout.......!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-14-2003 06:07 AM                        Rated G Michele I read that a child laughs 400 times a day on the average,while an adult laughs only 15 times each day.Which is puzzling since laughter feels so good and is so good for us! You may know the benefits of laughter on the mind and spirit,but are you aware of how much a good laugh can help you physically?Norman Cousins used to say that laughter is so beneficial physically that it is like "inner jogging." Mayo Clinic (Mayo Clinic Health Letter,March 1993) reports that laughter aids breathing by disrupting your normal respiration pattern and increasing your breathing rate. It can even help clear mucus from your lungs. Laughter is good for your heart.It increases circulation and improves the delivery of oxygen and nutrients to tissues throughout your body. A good laugh helps your immune system fight off colds,flu and sinus problems by increasing the concentration of immunoglobulin A in your saliva.And it may help control pain by raising the levels of certain brain chemicals (endorphins). It is also a natural stress reliever.Have you ever laughed so hard that you doubled over,fell off your chair, spit out your food or wet your pants? You cannot maintain muscle tension when you are laughing! The good news is that you are allowed more than 15 laughs a day! Go ahead and double the dose and make it 30 times today. (You may begin to notice your relationships improving!) Then double it again!You are bound to feel better,you will cope with problems more effectively and people will enjoy being around you. Laughter:it's good medicine,it's completely organic,it can be shared,it is recyclable and it's absolutely free!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-14-2003 06:09 AM                        Rated R Michele Love is complicated machinery.But sometimes all you need is a good screw to fix it.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-14-2003 06:15 AM                        Rated G Michele Roy took Michael to a celebratory dinner at a really posh restaurant. They walked in,were ushered to a table by a formally dressed maitre d',and sat down at a table on which were displayed the finest china and crystal.Taking the damask napkin from the solid silver napkin ring,Michael unfolded it,put it around his neck and proceeded to tie a knot in the back. Staring at him,the maitre d' said, between gritted teeth, "Sir, will you be having a shave or a haircut?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-15-2003 05:13 AM                        Rated R Hank in Simi A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young man drives in and comes to the door. "Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milk weed in your pasture.Would mind if I went out and got some milk?" "You don't get milk from milk weed!" the farmer replied. "Oh yes" said the young man."I have a degree in Agriculture from Texas A&M,so I know all about it." "Well, help yourself." said the farmer.He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full of milk. The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when the same young man drove up."Sir,yesterday when I was getting milk,I noticed you had some honeysuckle in the fence row.I wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?" "You don't get honey from honeysuckle!" said the farmer. Again the young man explained about his degree so the farmer agreed to lethim collect some honey.Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey. The next day the same young man drove up to he farmer's house."Sir,yesterday when I was getting the honey,I noticed you had some pussy willowdown by the creek." The farmer said, "Let me get my shoes and I'll go with you."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-15-2003 05:16 AM                        Rated G Hank in Simi Things to think about Can you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round? Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny" for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? What did cured ham actually have? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you? Why are you IN a movie, but your ON TV? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America? Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call? Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-16-2003 06:47 AM                        Rated PG B.B. God Bless America, Land of the free, Home of the blame. We love to live in a nation,where every little aberration is solved by litigation.God bless America,land of free,home of the blame. Let's see if I understand the state of personal responsibility in the America of the 1990s. * If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving,she blames the restaurant. * If your teen-age son kills himself,you blame the rock 'n' roll musician he liked. * If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer your family blames the tobacco company. * If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education. * If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender. * If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones. * If your grandchildren are brats without manners,you blame television. (There is some truth to this one) * And,if your friend is shot by a deranged madman,you blame the gun manufacturer. God bless America,land of the free,home of the blame.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-16-2003 06:55 AM                        Rated PG Michele Clever Slogans A new mortuary,in a tough mill town,decided to advertise in an unorthodox fashion, so they draped a banner on the front of their building that read: "Our Staff will stuff your Stiff." Not to be outdone,the Madame across the street had her girls respond with a banner too: "Our Stuff will stiff your Staff."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-16-2003 07:05 AM                        Rated PG Michele Bumper Stickers 1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. 2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen. 3. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after. 4. Do I look like a people person? 5. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting. 6. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left. 7. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. 8. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 9. You! Off my planet! 10. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes. 11. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no. 12. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 13. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them. 14. Do they ever shut up on your planet? 15. I'm working here till a good fast-food job opens up. 16. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage. 17. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable. 18. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 19. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. 20. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. 21. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too! 22. Adults are just kids who owe money. 23. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 24. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 25. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done. 26. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat. 27. You look like a bum. Is that the style now? 28. Earth is full. Go home. 29. Is it time for your medication or mine? 30. I plead contemporary insanity. 31. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. 32. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 33. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert. 34. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go? 35. A bath would do you good.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-16-2003 07:08 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Jerry didn't used to believe in playing the lottery -- he had heard that you are more likely to be struck by lightning than to win. Then, playing golf one day, Jerry was in fact struck by lightning. Amazingly he survived; it had to be an omen! So that week Jerry bought a lottery ticket, and when Saturday rolled around, you guessed it -- he was struck by lightning!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-16-2003 07:18 AM                        Rated G My son had absentmindedly left his sneakers on our kitchen table. "That's disgusting," my husband grumbled."Doesn't he realize that we eat off that table?" Then he went back to work on the car.I cleaned the table and left to do my grocery shopping.When I came home,I couldn't set my bags down anywhere.Sitting in the middle of the kitchen table was a car muffler.  |  IP: Logged

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