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Author
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Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-22-2003 03:30 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Michele
Only a typical car lover could have come up with this one This is quite clever.....
I met her at the Civic.I'd been Holden up the bar all night and
as she walked in, I looked her Rover.
I thought she seemed Familia, but that was just a Mirage. She came up to me of her own Accord.I said "Audi",she told me she thought I was Galant.
I lied to her and told her I was an Executive. I was just being
Calais. She was quite a Starlet, wearing a nice Mini, but not like that of Hunter. Her name was Sylvia and she was a real Trooper.
I'd drunk a few Corona's when I tried to Impreza. She told me not to Porsche it. I told her I wanted to Lancer. Turns out she was an Escort, so by her standards I wasn't that Ford. I didn't want to pay - she said "you don't know what your Nissan". So I paid. I took her back to my place - or HQ as I like to call it. I had a Bighorn and, of course, I was an absolute Legend. Later, when there was a Prelude, I went to see if there was any food left in the Lada. It was a great night, but I really should have worn a condom because you see, I left her with my Legacy - a little Bambina...... ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-22-2003 08:42 PM
Rated R ![[Eek!]](eek.gif) Michele
My future brother-in-law Craig has this game called "Dirty Minds", about things that sound dirty but aren't. Try and guess what these objects REALLY are! (Warning: The faint of heart should not read without smelling salts nearby!)
Object #1: a) I assist an erection.
b) Sometimes, big balls hang from me.
c) I'm a big swinger.
Object #2: a) All day long, it's in and out.
b) I get it up twice a day.
c) I'm always coming on the beach.
Object #3: a) The more you bang me, the looser I get.
b) You have to screw me to get me up.
c) If I'm well hung, I swing.
Object #4: a) When I get old, I sag.
b) There can be two of me under your tongue.
c) Sometimes, it's hard to keep me up.
Object #5: a) If you're tired, you can stop me.
b) When you stuff my slot,I perform.
c) When I do it, people watch.
Answers: #1. Crane
#2. The ocean's tide
#3. Screen door
#4. Chin
#5. VCR [whatever THAT is! ;-)]
So how'd you do?
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-23-2003 08:42 AM
Rated G Diane in Las Vegas
This is a ONCE in a lifetime math puzzle - ENJOY!!!
It takes less than a minute.......
Work this out as you read.
This is fun!
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have dinner out. (Try for more than once but less than 10.)
2. Multiply this number by 2.
3. Add 5
4. Multiply it by 50 - I'll wait while you get the calculator...............
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1753....
If you haven't, add 1752..........
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
You should have a three digit number ...
The first digit of this was your original number, (i.e., is how many times you want to eat out each week.)
The next two numbers are...
YOUR AGE (Oh YES, i t IS !!)
THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR, , IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS. IMPRESSIVE, ISN'T IT?
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-24-2003 07:21 AM
Rated G
Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC?
ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom
you ask:
The Catholic Church's approach to characters: The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness.The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words,such as "breast," "sex" and "contraception."
The Buddhist explanation:If a character has lived rightly,and
its karma is good,then after it has been deleted it will be
reincarnated as a different,higher character.Those funny
characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers,numbers will become letters,and lower-case letters will become upper-case.
The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation:Who cares?
It doesn't really matter if they're on the page,deleted,
undeleted,underlined, etc.It's all the same.
The Mac user's explanation: All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go to straight to PC hell.If you're using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters,because you're in PC hell also.
Stephen King's explanation:Every time you hit the (Del) key you
unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor
unsuspecting characters to shreds,drinks their blood,then eats
them,bones and all.Hah, hah, hah!
Dave Barry's explanation:The deleted characters are shipped to
Battle Creek,Michigan,where they're made into Pop-Tart filling;
this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable,while cheap
imitations are not flammable.I'm not making this up.
IBM's explanation: The characters are not real.They exist only on the screen when they are needed,as concepts,so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them.Get a life.
PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals)explanation:
You've been DELETING them??? Can't you hear them SCREAMING??? Why don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-25-2003 08:58 AM
Rated G Pat
Attention Bridge Buyers:
The most respected name in bridge sale is about to present an
offer that no self respecting bridge collector can ignore. The
Bradley Bridge Exchange is proud to introduce the Commemorative
Bridge Series. Even if you have never collected bridges before
this unique investment opportunity should interest you.
The Bradley Bridge Exchange has been selling quality collectable
bridges for fifty years. Now through this once in a lifetime
Internet offer, you can purchase famous bridges.
Think about it, everyone needs bridges: to go to work, walk
across, jump from, get mugged under and to throw rocks from.
Not all bridges go up in value; the Bradley Bridge Exchange
guarantees that your own personalized bridge will retain its
minimum value for at least one full year.
The famous Golden Gate Bridge was originally offered through The
Bradley Bridge Exchange for a mere 35 dollars. In the 57 times it has since been re-sold, its value has increased to an astounding 10 million dollars! No other legal investment could give that kind of return so quickly.
Look at the fine craftsmanship of this early American George
Washington Bridge:
Note the detail in the rust, the unique "yO maMa" mural which
captures the American dream and the fine cracked metal work in
these steel supports. You will not find any composites or
reinforced concrete here.
1.Bridges are not owned by the city, state or country. Bridges are owned by the contractors that build them. They are then purchased by the Bradley Bridge Exchange.
2.Top investors say that bridges are a solid investment with
underlying liquid assets.
3.In addition to the potential of increasing of the physical
value, bridges can actually generate income through the use of
tolls.
4.Not only am I an owner of a bridge I am also a user!
5.Insurance is un-necessary. There has never been a theft of a major bridge in the history of The Bradley Bridge Exchange.
6.Bridges also make useful homes for transients which will make you appear in good standing in your community.
Act now while prices remain low. The Bradley Bridge Exchange will destroy all bridge molds for the above mentioned Washington Bridge with in a period of 30 Days. The first 100 bridges sold will receive 25 toll free suicide hot line signs at no additional cost.
All mailers will receive The Bradley Bridge Exchange's guide to
purchasing tunnels and national parks at no additional cost.
Please E-Mail us directly at BBE@cash.be.ours with your credit
card number. System operators are standing by.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-25-2003 09:26 AM
Rated G
A little lady from North Carolina had worked in and around family dairy Farms since she was old enough to walk...with hours of hard work and little compensation ...and when canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores (1940s or 50's???) she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan...rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all...."
She said, I know all about milk and dairy farms...I can do this!!!!
She sent in her entry and about a week later, a black limo drove up infront of her house... a man got out and said, Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $1000, even though
we will not be able to use it....
Here is her entry:
Carnation milk is best of all,
no tits to pull, no shit to haul
no buckets to wash, no hay to pitch,
just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-25-2003 09:41 AM
Rated PG Hank in Simi Valley
A Mish-Mash of one and two lines some old, some new
Pa-dum-dum-psshhhh..................
1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was terrific.
7 . Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"
8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you." said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
12. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."
14. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. So, since there are 5 people in my family, one of them must be Chinese. It's either my mum or my dad... or maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
15. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
16. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "Hell no, the steaks are too high."
17. A man came round in the hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms."
18. I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.
19. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank. This proves once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
21.What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
22. Two termites walk into a bar. One asked, "Is the bar tender here?"
23. A drunk walks into a bar. "Ouch!" he says.
24. A priest, a rabbi! and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
25. A piece of string walks into a bar and is informed by the bartender that "We don't serve your kind here." So the string goes outside, twists himselfup and unravels his top end. He walks back into the bar and the bartender says "Hey aren't you that string I just threw out of here?" "Nope." says the string..."I'm a frayed knot"
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