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Author Topic: Miscellaneous - Part Two Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-04-2003 03:51 PM                        Rated G Michele Can't argue with this! Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones. At the end of every party there is always a girl crying. Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly. You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden. Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl. You never know where to look when eating a banana. Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat. Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly. Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball. You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses. Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school. Some days you see lots of people on crutches. Every guy has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush. Old women with mobile phones look wrong. Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee. Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited. Old ladies can eat more than you think. You can't respect a man who carries a dog. There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something. Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan. The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug. People who don't drive slam car doors too hard. You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with. Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose. Bricks are horrible to carry. In every plate of chips there is a bad chip The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-04-2003 04:28 PM                        Rated G Michele A couple had been dating for over a year.One night they opted for dinner at a Chinese restaurant. The man asked his date,"How would you like your rice?" She sighed, and replied,"Thrown!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-04-2003 04:29 PM                        Rated G "Ginny n New York" Why did God make only one Yogi Bear? Because when he tried to make a second one,he made a boo-boo.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-04-2003 04:38 PM                        Rated G Gina in the Bronx Jack was a passionate masseur.For years he pounded,stretched, pulled and relaxed the most burdened,stressed,bent-out-of-shape bodies. Then late one day,rather unexpectedly,he was fired.Apparently his last client complained that he had rubbed her the wrong way.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-04-2003 04:46 PM                        Rated G Alin New Orleans What is a Bachelor? One who avoids Bride-Eyed women. One who believes in Life, Liberty and the Happiness of Pursuit. One who believes in Wine, Women and So-Long. One who believes that one can live as cheaply as two. One who can forget his mistakes. One who can get into bed from either side. One who can go fishing anytime, until he gets hooked. One who can have a girl on his knee without having her on his hands. One who can leave his socks and wallet lying around the house. One who can tell his symptoms to his Doctor without having his wife interrupt. One who can't be Spouse-Broken. One who cheated some woman out of a divorce. One who doesn't have to leave the party when he starts having a good time. One who failed to embrace his opportunities. One who is a free male. One who is allergic to Wedding cakes. One who is Foot-Loose and Family-Free. One who is known as a Dame Dropper. One who is not missing anything in life except a few buttons on his shirt. One who knows all the ankles. One who knows how to hold a woman's hand so that she doesn't get a grip on him. One who knows if he has a steady girl on the string he may wind up on a leash. One who knows more about Women than Men. That's why he is a Bachelor. One who leans toward a woman but not far enough to fall. One who likes his Girl Friend just the way she is...Single One who looks, but does not leap. One who never chases a woman he couldn't outrun. One who never knows whom the next kiss is coming from. One who never makes the same mistake once. One who never met a girl he couldn't live without. One who never Mrs. Anything. One who never says, "I'll Give you a Ring tomorrow". One who plays the game of love and manages to retain his amateur outstanding. One who thinks he is a thing of Beauty and a Boy forever. One who travels fastest in a parked car. One who tries to avoid the issue. One who usually has his hands full trying to loosen a woman's grip. One who wakes up in the morning with all of the blankets. One who when a girl asks him for a Diamond Ring, he turns Stone- Deaf. One who when he opens the window in his apartment, more dust blows out than in. One who won't take `Yes' for an answer. One who would rather change girls than change their names. One who would rather cook his own goose. One who would rather have a woman on his mind than on his neck. One who would rather mend his socks than his ways.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-04-2003 04:50 PM                        Rated G “Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” Jim Davis - 'Garfield'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-04-2003 05:05 PM                        Rated PG Denny in Yonkers Gun Fighter Marvin had always wanted to be a gunfighter. He grew up in the old West. As a child he read everything about gunfighters he could find. His hero was Billy the Kidd. He dreamed of being just like his hero. One day he went to town and bought himself a black hat, some black clothes, a black horse and two pistols. He went home and every day he went out behind his barn, and practiced shooting. After two weeks he was getting to be quite a good shot. He decided it was time to show off. He put on his black clothes and hat, strapped on his guns and rode into town. When he walked into the saloon, standing at the bar he saw Billy the Kidd. He was so excited! He walked up and said, "Mr. Kidd, I am your biggest fan. I have always wanted to be just like you." "Look at me. Do I look like a gunfighter?" Billy looked him over and said, "Well, you have the right clothes and you have a nice black hat, and I see you rode up on a black horse. But, can you shoot?" Marvin looked around the room and said, "See that piano player over there?" He drew his pistol and fired, shooting the cufflink off the piano player's shirt. Billy said, "Not bad. Can you shoot with your left hand? A gunfighter's got to be able to shoot with both hands." Marvin drew his other pistol and fired, shooting off the piano player's other cufflink. Billy said, "That's mighty fine shooting. I just have one piece of advice for you." Marvin was bubbling with excitement, "What is it? What else should I do?" Billy spoke slowly, "Well, go back into the kitchen there and get a big tub of lard. Take both of your pistols and rub them around in the lard, get them good and slick." Marvin was puzzled. He asked, "Why is that important? What good will rubbing my pistols in lard do?" Billy replied, "It won't help your shooting at all, but when Wyatt Earp finishes playing the piano over there he's going to shove both of your pistols up your ass."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-05-2003 09:30 AM                        Rated R Passion As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and whathappened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me. You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations,youlaid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference,so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation,and you drove me near crazy while you drained me.. Finally I went to sleep.Today when I woke up,you were gone,I searched for you but to no avail,only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishings, makingit harder to forget you. Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you...... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ...you fucking mosquito.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-06-2003 02:50 AM                        Rated G Michele While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought,I busied myself with indoor cleaning.I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom. With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors."Just a minute,"I said,thinking of a quick solution."I'll put down newspapers." "That's all right,lady," he responded."I'm already trained."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-06-2003 11:28 AM                        Rated G Thick Have Chance to Get 'Thin' Quick in Space MINOT, ND (AheadOfNews.com) - More chubby Americans will be launching soon for the moon, Mars, and beyond if Gladstone Flimflam gets his way. The North Dakota billionaire helps people lose weight by shooting them into outer space. Flimflam oversees his weight-loss program from a "space ranch" near Minot. His Low-Gravity Weight Cure depends on "personal orbiters" developed by aeronautics giant Flimflam Industries. By reducing the effect of gravity upon body mass, the Cure works regardless of diet. "The main cause of too much weight is not caloric intake," Flimflam said. "The main cause of too much weight is too much gravity." Rotund persons who greatly desire weight loss may opt to remain "forever" in microgravity orbits or in reduced-gravity environments on the moon or elsewhere. The Cure works especially well for people who "require fruit pie with ice cream more than five times a day," a Flimflam spokesman said. The Flimflam weight loss record is held by Ted "Boxcar" Daniels, 56, who shed 360 pounds on an all-pizza diet while in lunar orbit with his girlfriend Hippo. "Boxcar and Hippo have been up there since 1998," the spokesman said, "and none of their lost weight has come back." Critics note that the Cure's high cost may rule it out for the working class. Moon-orbit programs cost $6 million per year, while the Mars Enlightenment costs about $100 million per year per person.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-06-2003 11:59 AM                        Rated G Michele A friend of mine visiting from New York last year told the following story about her children. They had been up in the attick together doing some cleaning. The kids uncovered an old manual typewriter and asked her,"Hey Mom--what's this?" "Oh --that's an old typewriter," she answered thinking that would satisfy their curiosity. "Well what does it do?" they queried again. "I'll show you," she said and returned with a blank piece of paper.She rolled the paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys,leaving black letters of print on the page. "WOW!" they exclaimed,"that's really cool...but how does it work like that?"Where do you plug it in?" "There is no plug," she answered."It doesn't need a plug." "Then where do you put the batteries?" they persisted. "It doesn't need batteries either." she continued. "Wow!This is so cool!" they exclaimed."Someone should have invented this a long time ago!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-08-2003 01:31 AM                        Rated G Do you remember: ** Being sent to the drugstore to test vacuum tubes for the TV. ** When Kool-Aid was the only drink for kids, other than milk and sodas. ** When there were two types of sneakers for girls and boys (Keds &PF Flyers), and the only time you wore them at school, was for "gym." ** When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up. ** When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there. ** When nobody owned a purebred dog. ** When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny. ** When girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school, if then. ** When your mom wore nylons that came in two pieces. ** When all of your male teachers wore neckties and female teachershad their hair done, everyday. ** When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking,.... for free, every time. And, you didn't pay for air. And, you got trading stamps to boot! ** When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box. ** When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him, or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it. ** When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents. ** When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed ... and did! ** When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-08-2003 01:45 AM                        Rated G "My neighbor is always speaking ill of her husband.But look at me.My husband is Foolish,Lazy and a Coward;but have I ever said anything bad about him?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-08-2003 01:49 AM                        Rated G During lunch, an ad for a lending institution came on the television set in our employees' lounge.As the commercial extolled the pleasures of extra money,I remarked that there was no such thing as "extra" money. "Yes,there is," my supervisor retorted."It's what you have right before your car breaks down."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-08-2003 01:55 AM                        Rated G Michele "Questions" 1. A murderer is condemned to death.He has to choose between three rooms.The first is full of raging fires,the second is full of assassins with loaded guns,and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years.Which room is safest for him? 2. A woman shoots her husband.Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes.Finally,she hangs him.But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be? 3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water.How could you put all of this water into a barrel,without using the jugs or any dividers,and still tell which water came from which jug? 4. What is black when you buy it,red when you use it,and gray when you throw it away? 5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday? 6. This is an unusual paragraph.I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it!In fact,nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though.Study it, and think about it,but you still may not find anything odd.But if you work at it a bit,you might find out!Try to do so without any coaching! READY FOR THE ANSWERS? 1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead. 2. The woman was a photographer.She shot a picture of her husband,developed it,and hung it up to dry. 3. Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in the barrel.You will be able to tell which water came from which jug. 4. The answer is Charcoal. In Homer Simpson's words: "hmmmm Barbecue." 5. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow! 6. The letter "e," which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph.  |  IP: Logged

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