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Author Topic: Family Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-18-2008 11:41 AM                        Rated R A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.' 'What's that mean?' asked the child. 'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.' The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.' Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.' The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?' The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-30-2008 08:08 AM                        Rated G Lorraine My 16-year-old brother, Mike, was out late with friends one night. Suddenly he realized it was Father's Day and he had neglected to buy a card for our dad. After much searching, Mike located an open store, but was disappointed to find only two cards left on a picked-over rack. Selecting one, he brought it home and, somewhat sheepishly, presented it to our father. Upon opening it, Dad read this message: "You've been like a father to me." He looked at Mike, puzzled. "Well, Dad," Mike tried to explain, "it was either that or the card that said, 'Now that I'm a father too!'"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-30-2008 08:20 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Before I took the old family car to college, my father loaded the trunk with soft-drink bottles filled with oil, coolant and transmission fluid. Sure enough, my car overheated. Scolding myself for not listening to my father's instructions, I looked at the engine and saw how well he knew me. The oil cap was labeled Dr Pepper, the transmission stick, Coke, and the empty coolant container, Diet Pepsi. I finished the trip safely.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-02-2008 06:28 AM                        Rated G Junior was being chided for his low grades. Little Robert, who lived a few doors away, was held up as an example. "Robert doesn't get C's and D's does he?" asked his father. "No" Junior admitted, "but he's different. He has very bright parents."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-07-2008 01:54 PM                        Rated G Diana It was raspberry-picking time, and my five-year-old son, Luc, three-year-old daughter, Melanie, and I headed to Grandpa's house to help him pick. As we arrived, Grandma passed out the buckets and containers, but Luc was already in the raspberry patch. "Luc," Grandpa asked him, "would you like a bucket?" "No, thank you, Grandpa," Luc responded, "I have my mouth."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-08-2008 07:20 AM                        Rated G teddybear "Fred you lied to me. You took a day off to bury your mother-in- law, and I met her in the park this morning". "Oh, I didn't say she was dead. I just said I would like to go to her funeral."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-08-2008 03:04 PM                        Rated G Lorraine My brother and I are close, and that allows us to be honest with each other. One evening as I prepared for a date, I remarked, "I'm fat." "No, you're not," he replied. "My hair is awful," I said. "It's beautiful," he encouraged. "I've never looked worse," I whined. And he said, "Yes, you have."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-18-2008 07:04 AM                        Rated G Lorraine My husband and I encourage our three children to try new foods, and like most kids, they resist. On a recent visit to Grandma's house, I asked each of them to sample one of her pickled beets. Only nine-year-old Joseph was willing to try them. After he'd managed a tentative nibble, Grandma asked, “So, how is it?” Joseph diplomatically replied, “It would be good, Grandma, if I liked it.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-18-2008 07:06 PM                        Rated G Jokester Let Your Mother Choose A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. Later, he says, "Okay Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The one on the right." “That’s amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?" The mother replies, “I don't like her”  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-18-2008 07:20 PM                        Rated PG Jokester A Great Life Two businessmen met at a resort. One who had recently retired was describing his life, "I get up late in the morning. I have a fantastic breakfast and then I lie down on my veranda and relax. I go inside for lunch, have great salads, the best coffee, and I go out and lie on my veranda again. When it gets dark I have a great dinner with the finest wines. I smoke a Cuban cigar. Then I go lie on my veranda again." The other gentleman acknowledges that this is a life to be envied. Later he reported the conversation to his wife. She asked, "What's his wife's name?" Her husband said, "I'm not sure, but I think its Veranda."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-22-2008 09:44 AM                        Rated PG Hank in Simi Valley GRANDMAS DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING...... Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?' She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.' Little Tony just said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you.'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-01-2008 10:12 AM                        Rated X Denny in Yonkers As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?' The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.' The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.' A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered thatarea and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked: 'What the fuck are you doing?' The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-02-2008 07:22 AM                        Rated G Lorraine At income tax time, I filled out a "deceased" form for my father- in-law who had died at 100 the previous year. My husband was quite upset when he received a request from the IRS asking for a forwarding address. We heard nothing further after he advised them it was Resurrection Cemetery, Lot 139.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-13-2008 11:19 AM                        Rated G Diana One evening, as my eight-year-old son, Ben was getting ready for bed, we started discussing stages of life: getting a job, owning a house and learning to drive. As I explained a little bit about each of these things, he asked: "Mom, what is the hardest thing about learning to drive, answering your phone.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2009 12:01 PM                        Rated G Ken Grandmothers and grandfathers are a little bit parents, a little bit teachers, and a little bit best friends.  |  IP: Logged

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