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Author Topic: Family Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-10-2005 07:55 AM                        Rated G Cutie My mother, who enjoyed playing the piano at all hours of the day and night, answered the doorbell one day to find a man with a small toolbox standing on our front porch. "Madam," he said, "I am here." "I can see that," my mother replied. "Who are you?" "I am the piano tuner." "But I did not call for a piano tuner," my mother protested. "Yes, I know," the man said. "Your neighbors did."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-13-2005 08:17 AM                        Rated R The other day I was out working on my car in the driveway while my uncle Jack was repairing the roof on his house across the street. My uncle called my house on his cellphone and told my dad he had accidently knocked the ladder down, so my dad came to the door and yelled for me to go across the street and help my uncle Jack off. I yelled back OK. Since then all my friends have been avoiding me.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-13-2005 11:05 AM                        Rated G You know it's going to be a bad day when your teenager knocks on your bedroom door first thing in the morning and says, "Today is Nerd Day at school, Pop. Can I borrow some of your clothes?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-13-2005 11:45 AM                        Rated G The guy who fears becoming a father doesn't understand that fathering is not something perfect men do, but something that perfects the man.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-14-2005 09:04 AM                        Rated G When my daughter and I returned to our car, we discovered the headlights on and the battery dead. We called my son. After he arrived, he connected jumper cables to the dead battery. Unfortunately, because of the way the car was parked, the cables wouldn't reach his battery. He asked his sister to hold them so the ends wouldn't touch while he drove around the block to position his car better. She was holding them when a truck screeched to a halt beside us. The driver looked at us incredulously and declared, "You aren't really trying to jump start that car, are you?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2005 09:22 AM                        Rated G Unruly Child A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, 'I'm running away from home!'. The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. 'What if you get hungry?', he said. 'Then I'll come home and eat!', bravely declared the child. ' And what if you run out of money?'. 'I will come home and get some!', readily replied the child. The man then made a final attempt, 'What if your clothes get dirty?'. 'Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them.', was the reply. The man shook his head and exclaimed, 'This kid is not running away from home, he's going off to college!!'.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-19-2005 08:20 AM                        Rated PG Lorraine My father and four of his friends built a waterbed frame for my mother. When they finished filling up the mattress, they all lay on it to test their hard work. My grandmother came to visit the next day, and my mother showed her the beautiful bed. She told Grandma to lie on it to see what it felt like. Grandma was reluctant because she's heavyset and thought she might burst the water bag. My mother turned to her and said: "Don't worry, Mom. You can't possibly break it. Just last night I had five men on it at once."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-21-2005 07:51 AM                        Rated G Where have all the Grandma's gone? In the dim and distant past When life's tempo wasn't so fast, Grandma used to rock and knit, Crochet, tat and baby sit. When the kids were in a jam, They could always call on Gram. But today she's in the gym Exercising to keep slim. She's checking the web or surfing the net, Sending some e-mail or placing a bet. Nothing seems to stop or block her, Now that Grandma's off her rocker.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-21-2005 03:49 PM                        Rated G When the Smith family moved into their new house, a visiting grandparent asked five-year-old Tommy how he liked the new place. “It’s great,” he said. “I have my own room Alex has his own room, and Jamie has her own room. But poor mom is still in with dad.”  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2006 03:33 PM                        Rated G Aprons I don't think our kids know what an apron is. The principal use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath, but along with that, it served as a potholder for removing hot pans from the oven. It was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears. From the chicken coop, the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks,and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven. When company came, those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids. And when the weather was cold, grandma wrapped it around her arms. Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove. Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron. From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had been shelled, it carried out the hulls. In the fall, the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees. When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds. When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron, and the men knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner. It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that "old-time apron" that served so many purposes. Send this to those who would know, and love the story about Grandma's aprons. REMEMBER Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool. Her granddaughters set theirs on the window sill to thaw.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-07-2006 11:20 AM                        Rated G Betsy I got even with my parents. My parents came to stay with me for the weekend in my apartment. I made them sleep in separate bedrooms. My mother said, "What? Are you crazy? I've been sleeping with this man for years." I said, "Look, I don't care what you do on the outside. But when you're in my house..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2006 08:00 AM                        Rated G Kay and Duane were concerned that their daughter Chris, a college student, would do nothing but party and drink while on spring break in Florida. When Chris returned home before heading back to college, she mentioned to her parents, "I read To Kill a Mockingbird at the beach." Duane was pleasantly surprised and said, "That's great, honey." Added Kay, " I'm so glad you found time to do some course work while on break rather than partying all the time." Chris smiled and said, "Well, I partied, too, so for literature class, I'm calling my paper Tequila Mockingbird."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2006 10:21 AM                        Rated G Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied, “That’s because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it." The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2006 07:16 AM                        Rated G After receiving an ivory carving of the Last Supper, my friend Pat displayed it in a prominent place. When her six-year-old grandson came to visit, he noticed it and wanted to know what it was. So she told him a little bit about what the artist had portrayed. Not long after, the boy visited again, this time with some cousins who hadn't seen the carving. One of them asked what it was. Before Grandma could reply, the six-year-old said, "Oh that's Jesus and the boys out to supper."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2006 11:34 AM                        Rated G The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc. "Now do you understand?" he asked. "I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"  |  IP: Logged

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