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Author Topic: Family Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2006 11:36 AM                        Rated G Chris When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, "How will we keep from getting separated?" "We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," I reassured him. "Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" he persisted. "Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again," I quipped. "Okay," he said. "I'm riding with Mom."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2006 09:15 AM                        Rated G An old man was very sick. So sick, in fact, that his family was gathered at his bedside. As families will do, they all were trying to cheer him up. "Your color is better," said one son. "You are breathing easier," remarked another The old man said, unperturbed, "Thank goodness! It's nice to know that I'm going to die cured!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-12-2006 07:07 AM                        Rated G "Happy Birthday," Wendy sang to her son Mark on his ninth birthday. "Mom," he said, "this is my last single-digit birthday. Let's party and say goodbye to the end of single digits." Wendy agreed. She got out her Waterford wineglasses, poured their orange juice, made a toast, and they clicked their glasses. "To the old days," said Mark.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-12-2006 07:44 AM                        Rated G One evening while I was preparing dinner, my daughter came into the kitchen asking for homework help on her vocabulary words. "Mom," she asked, "what's a quarter horse?" As I thought of a simple explanation, my five-year-old son piped up, "It's the one they have in front of the grocery store."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-12-2006 12:57 PM                        Rated G "Bad Day Sign" You know it's going to be a bad day when your teenager knocks on your bedroom door first thing in the morning and says, "Today is Nerd Day at school, Pop. Can I borrow some of your clothes?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-15-2006 10:17 AM                        Rated G Betsy My ninety-eight-year-old mother has kept active and alert, always taking great pride in her appearance. One day, while looking at herself in a mirror and commenting on a desperate need for a new permanent, she said, "Good grief" I look like I'm a hundred years old."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-21-2006 11:29 AM                        Rated R NOMINATED AS THE BEST SHORT JOKE THIS YEAR! A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. "Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?" "Not yet" she replied.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-22-2006 11:10 AM                        Rated G INSULTED! When Mark came home, his wife, Sara, was crying. "Your mother insulted me," She sobbed. "My mom? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" Mark grumbled. "I know. But today a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened and read it." "Oy. And?" "At the end of the letter it said, 'PS. Dear Sara, when you have finished reading his letter, don't forget to give it to my son.'"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-22-2006 02:24 PM                        Rated G B.B. A daddy teased his little daughter by suggesting she liked a certain boy in her kindergarten class. The little girl was quite indignant. "No, daddy, I don't like him!" she stated. "He's only interested in one thing." Shocked, the daddy cautiously asked what that one thing might be. "Power Rangers, of course," said the toddler.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2006 08:22 AM                        Rated G Betsy MOM'S MOTTO I'm the person who sits up with you when you're sick, and I'm the person who puts up with you when you're well.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-27-2006 07:24 AM                        Rated G Parents are worried about the failing eyesight of their two teenagers. The daughter can't find anything to wear in a closet full of clothes and the son can't find anything good to eat in a refrigerator full of food.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2006 09:22 AM                        Rated PG One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He would toss them in the air and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell into his ear.He tried and tried to dig it out, but only succeeded to push it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying, they got worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing, and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father. The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows up?" The father replies, "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-02-2006 01:55 PM                        Rated G As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast-feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, "My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-05-2006 01:09 PM                        Rated G Bruce My niece, pregnant with her second child, was certain she wanted an epidural for pain management during childbirth. Her doctor asked her at which stage of labor she wanted the epidural administered. Her response: "Just meet me in the parking lot when I arrive!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-07-2006 10:48 AM                        Rated G Lulu A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'Once Upon A Time'?" He replied, "No, there is a whole series of fairy tales that begin with 'If elected I promise'."  |  IP: Logged

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