my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Family (Page 16)

This topic comprises 18 pages: 1  2  3  ...  13  14  15  16  17  18

Author Topic: Family Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-13-2008 07:09 AM                        Rated G Diana During a family picnic, Marcie's two children, Emma, six and Elly eight, were eating watermelon. Suddenly, Emma began to cry. Marcie asked, "What's wrong?" Emma said, "I swallowed some watermelon seeds and I'm afraid a big watermelon is going to grow in my tummy. "Before Marcie could say anything, Elly piped up, "Emma, the watermelon won't grow in your tummy. It'll come out of your butt."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-15-2008 07:22 AM                        Rated G A little girl asked her mother,'How did the human race appear?' The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.' Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered,'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.' The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?' The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-16-2008 02:10 PM                        Rated G B.B. A grandfather was walking past his young granddaughter's room one night when he saw her kneeling beside her bed, with head bowed and hands folded, repeating the alphabet. "What are you doing?" he asked her. She explained, "I'm saying my prayers, but I couldn't think of just what I wanted to say. So I'm just saying all the letters of the alphabet, and God can put them together however he thinks best."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-18-2008 12:08 PM                        Rated XXX Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-19-2008 02:31 PM                        Rated G All Named Leroy A man from the Welfare department was interviewing a lady who had requested assistance and he was reviewing her form. He noted that she stated that she had three sons, but only has one name listed, "Leroy". "Yes", she replied, "All three sons are named Leroy." "Why would you do that?", inquired the government worker. "It makes it much easier to get things done.", was her reply. "Leroy, time for bath." And they all would get in the bath. "Leroy, time for supper." And they all would come to the table. Amazed, the government worker then inquired how did she get personal if she wanted to talk with just one of her sons. "Oh that's easy", she replied. "I just call them by their last name."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-22-2008 08:19 PM                        Rated G Drew Our granddaughter's Grade 2 class was asked to write about their personal heroes. Her father was flattered to find out that she had chosen him. "Why did you pick me?" he asked. "Because I couldn't spell Arnold Schwarzenegger," she said.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-22-2008 08:20 PM                        Rated G Drew I was pleased that the brightly striped sweater I had received as a gift seemed to have a slimming effect on my figure. "That's a pretty sweater, Mommy," my six-year-old son told me. "You look like Wheel of Fortune." "Thank you, sweetheart," I replied, "But I think you mean that I look like Vanna White." "No, Mom," he said. "I mean you look like the wheel."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-22-2008 08:33 PM                        Rated G Lulu One morning, when my son was about 19 months, he saw me putting on a pale green face-mask. (Something I rarely do.) "What 'ou doin'?" he said. "I'm putting on a face mask," I replied. "What it for?" he asked. "It's to make Mummy look more beautiful," I told him. He stood looking at me in that considering way that small children have, then said as gently as possible, "Well...it doesn't."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-22-2008 08:39 PM                        Rated G B.B. Time passes...Life happens...Distance separates...Children grow up...Jobs come and go...Love waxes and wanes...Men don't do what they're supposed to do...Hearts break...Parents die...Colleagues forget favors...Careers end...BUT......... Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you. A girl friend is never farther away than needing her can reach...When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end...Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you...Or come in and carry you out...Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters, daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, Mothers, Grandmothers, aunties, nieces, cousins, and extended family, all bless our life! The world wouldn't be the same without women, and neither would I. When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know how much we would need each other. Every day, we need each other still. Pass this on to all the women who help make your life meaningful. I just did. Short and very sweet: There are more than twenty angels in this world...Ten are peacefully sleeping on clouds...Nine are playing... And one is reading their email at this moment.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-24-2008 08:15 AM                        Rated G Diana My daughter feeds her family a healthy diet, but at my house, I always have little treats for my grandchildren. One Sunday, my three-year-old grandaughter came bursting in with great news for me. "You know what, Nana?" Susan said. "My Mom says I can eat garbage when I'm at your house!" "That's what makes Nana's house special!" I replied, smiling at my blushing daughter.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-26-2008 06:09 PM                        Rated G Diana On Mother's day the first year I was a mother, I decided to entertain both my husband's and my own parents for a Mother's Day barbecue. For dessert, I ordered an ice cream cake, and when the saleswoman asked what I'd like written on it, I replied, "For our moms." My husband picked up the cake, and neither of us opened the box until the dinner that night. What else could we do but laugh when we saw the words "Four-hour Moms" inscribed on the top of the cake.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-26-2008 06:22 PM                        Rated G Drew One morning, a couple approached the observation tower where I worked at Mount Mitchell State Park, in North Carolina. "Young man, can you help us?" the woman asked. "We've looked but can't find the highest peak this side of the Mississippi. All the mountaintops seem to be lower than this one." Since Mount Mitchell is the highest peak, I replied, "Ma'am, you're standing on it." "Of course," she said, "How silly of my husband."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-08-2008 01:08 PM                        Rated R John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. 'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they asked. 'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project said Tommy. The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. 'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.' 'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' 'What did you watch?' asked Marsha. 'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy. The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.' 'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.' The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!' The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her three times. [ 06-16-2008, 09:32 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-16-2008 09:33 AM                        Rated G Where's Mommy? One evening after dinner, a five-year-old boy noticed that his mother had gone out and he asked his father, "Where did Mommy go?" In answer to his question, he was told, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party." This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, Daddy?" The man had always given his son honest answers, so he figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well, son," he said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other." He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime. Then he burst out into laughter and said, "Come on, Dad! What is it really?" Carrots, Eggs, and Coffee A daughter complained to her father about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved a new one arose. Her father, a chef, took her to the kitchen. He filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to a boil. In one he placed carrots, in the second he placed eggs, and in the last he placed ground coffee beans. He let them sit and boil, without saying a word. The daughter sucked her teeth and impatiently waited, wondering what he was doing. In about twenty minutes he turned off the burners. He fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. He pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then he ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her he asked. "Darling, what do you see." "Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied. He brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. He then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, he asked her to sip the coffee. She smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. She humbly asked, "What does it mean Father?" He explained that each of them had faced the same adversity, boiling water, but each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. But after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they changed the water. "Which are you," he asked his daughter? "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean? "  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-16-2008 02:30 PM                        Rated G Jokester A Tight Miniskirt I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was 22, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day, her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, ''I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'' I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, ''We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'' And the moral of this story is ... always keep your condoms in your car.  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 18 pages: 1  2  3  ...  13  14  15  16  17  18

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.