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Author Topic: Family Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-22-2007 05:34 PM                        Rated G Lorraine A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing so he took her with him. "I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!" "Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said. The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-05-2007 08:30 PM                        Rated G Hank in Simi Valley A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his Mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and then wipes it all over his face. "Mamacita, look, I'm a white boy." His Mom slaps his face and says, "Go show your Father." He goes to his Dad in the living room and says,"Look Papacita, I'm a white boy." His Dad slaps him hard in the face and says,"Go show your Grandmother." The boy goes in his grandmother's room and says,"Mira, Abuelita, I'm a white boy." His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his Mother. His mother says, "What did you learn from that?" The boy replies:"I have only been white for five minutes and already I don't like you Mexicans!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-12-2007 03:47 PM                        Rated XXX Dave in Aurora, Ont. Why men don't write advice columns Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help? Sincerely, Mrs. Sheila Usk Dear Sheila A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps. Walter  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-10-2007 01:53 PM                        Rated G Lorraine Despite very little effort on his part, my son Martin had done quite well in third grade. One night he announced over dinner that his friend Robert was the smartest in class and had gotten all A's on his report card. Hoping that my son would realize how some more effort would produce similar results: I said, "What would you have to do to be the smartest in the class?" After some thought, Martin replied, "Get rid of Robert?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-27-2007 02:33 PM                        Rated G Betsy My husband and I were dining out with our children one evening. Our four-year-old son caught the eye of a woman at the next table who smiled at him, and he smiled back. When she got up to leave, we encouraged Joe to say goodbye. She leaned over and said, with a smile, "Good night, young man." Joe looked up at her, with an equally big smile, and said, "Good night, old lady."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2008 09:23 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Catherine was taking two of her grandsons on their very first train ride from Dayton, Ohio to Washington, DC. A vendor came down the corridor selling Pop Rocks, something neither had ever seen before. Catherine bought each one a bag. The first one eagerly tore open the bag and popped one into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his brother and said: "I wouldn't eat that if I were you." "Why not?" replied the curious brother. "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2008 09:25 AM                        Rated G Lorraine "Oh, No!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know. He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding David kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded. Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly. "David! David!" he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten. He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away. In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "David!" From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. "Yes, Dad," he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard. "It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed, "and, for heaven's sake, clean up this room."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-04-2008 02:37 PM                        Rated G Christie She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, 'But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-04-2008 03:02 PM                        Rated G My wife was in the kitchen pealing potatoes. Our grandson was in there watching her every move. He finally said, "what are you doing?" She answered, "Pealing potatoes to make FRENCH FRIES." He said "OH NO, Grandma, you don't get french fries from potatoes. You get them from McDonalds."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-04-2008 03:05 PM                        Rated G My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, '69.' He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-04-2008 04:44 PM                        Rated G After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,'Who was THAT?'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-04-2008 04:47 PM                        [b]Rated G A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: 'We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods. 'The little girl was wide-eyed,taking this all in.At last she said, 'I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-04-2008 04:49 PM                        Rated G My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, 'Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?' I mentally polished my halo while I asked, 'No, how are we alike?' You're both old,' he replied.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-04-2008 04:51 PM                        Rated G A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. 'What's it about?' he asked. 'I don't know,' she replied. 'I can't read.'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2008 03:11 PM                        Rated G Lorraine Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday? Son: Just a radio, dad, with a sports car around it.  |  IP: Logged

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