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Author
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Topic: Family
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-13-2007 08:31 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Denny in Yonkers
A GOOD OLD GRANDMA & GRANDPA STORY
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in His son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said,"I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive". "How much?" asked Gr andpa. "$ 10.00 a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the Money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow he called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00 "
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma." ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-07-2007 03:18 PM
Rated G Phil Of The Future =
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning.”
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the
middle of next
week!”
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
” Because I said so, that’s why.”
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not
going to the
store with me.”
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an
accident.”
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t
exaggerate!”
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who
don’t have
wonderful parents like you do.”
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
“You are going to get it when you get home!”
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck
that
way.”
19. My mother taught me ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to
me.”
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”
And my favorite:
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-11-2007 01:50 PM
Rated G Lorraine
My daughter Macy borrowed my fairly new car while her ageing one was being repaired. Before returning it to me, she took it to a car wash. When it emerged she was horrified to see that the antenna was missing. She immediately reported this, and a long line-up formed as the cleaning crew searched for, but didn't find, the missing antenna. They took Macy's number and promised to call her if it turned up.
As she left the car wash still very upset, she wondered aloud how much a new antenna would cost and how long it would take to replace. Her five-year-old son, Chad, was with her and shared her concern.
Approaching my home, Macy switched the radio on to return it to my favorite station. Chad, seeing the antenna slowly rising, exclaimed, "Look Mommy, it's growing another one!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-18-2007 09:05 AM
Rated G Ken
One evening after dinner, my five-year-old son Brian noticed that his mother had gone out. In answer to his questions, I told him, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party."
This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, Dad?"
I've always given my son honest answers, so I figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well, Brian," I said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other."
Brian nodded, indicating that he understood. Then he burst into laughter. "Come on, Dad," he said. "What is it really?" ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-22-2007 05:27 PM
Rated G Diana
Dave, my husband, prides himself on his cooking. One evening at bedtime, our four-year-old son, Russell, asked Dave to explain the meaning of the "Lord's Prayer."
When they reached the phrase, "Deliver us from evil," Dave explained that this meant, "Keep bad things away from us." Russell pondered this for a moment. "Does this mean," he asked, "That I don't have to eat some of the things you cook?"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-22-2007 05:32 PM
Rated G Lorraine
A 4-year-old boy was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, "Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?"
"Because," his dad explained, "after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidize, thus changing the molecular structure and turning it into a different color."
There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly, "Daddy, are you talking to me? ![[uhoh]](graemlins/uhoh.gif)
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