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Author Topic: Family Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-09-2006 10:42 AM                        Rated G Betsy Ever notice how kids learn to drive a car in no time, but cannot understand the workings of the lawn mower, snow blower, or vacuum cleaner?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-14-2006 08:36 AM                        Rated G Betsy Son: Dad, what is a weapon? Father: Why, son, that's something you fight with. Son: Is mother your weapon?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-14-2006 09:22 AM                        Rated G Betsy A college boy to his mother: "I decided that I want to be a political science major, and I want to clean up the mess in the world!" "That's very nice," purred his mother. "You can go upstairs and start with your room."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-14-2006 09:47 AM                        Rated PG Betsy I come from a typical North American family. You know, me, my mother, her third husband, his daughter from a second marriage, my step-sister, her illegitimate son.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-14-2006 10:05 AM                        Rated G Vicky A baby is....a rose with all its sweetest leaves yet folded.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-18-2006 09:36 AM                        Rated G Gerry Children go through remarkable phases. First they call you dada, then they call you daddy, then they call you dad, then they call you collect.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-18-2006 09:46 AM                        Rated G B.B. Pounds of Love One evening after dinner, I asked my 6-year-old, "How much do you love me?" He replied, "A million dollars." "Is that all?" I responded, with a grin. Derek thought for a moment. "I love you all the dollars." So I asked, "What about the guilders?" and I explained they were Dutch dollars. He smiled and said, "I love you all the guilders, too." "What about the yen?" I said. After Derek heard yen were Japanese dollars, he said he loved me all the yen, also. We made our way through various currencies until I mentioned the English pound. "Do you love me all the pounds?" I asked. Derek patted my stomach and said, "I think you've already got all the pounds."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-18-2006 03:15 PM                        Rated G Lulu At the company water cooler, I bragged about my children's world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my daughter was completing a yearlong research project in India. One co-worker's quip, however, stopped me short. "What is it about you," he asked, "that makes your kids want to get so far away?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-19-2006 12:22 PM                        Rated G B.B. On my 15th birthday, I opened a package from my mom and sister. Out came a beauty case containing samples of my very own makeup. "Oh, neat," my dad said excitedly, "a tackle box!" My mother and sister explained that it was a beauty kit, not a tackle box. As I opened it up and showed everyone the eye shadow, mascara, and rouge, my father leaned over to my mother and whispered, "I told you it was a tackle box. Just look at all those lures."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-19-2006 12:25 PM                        Rated G Chris A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns. After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again. The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-20-2006 09:00 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Our six children all seem to talk at once, and my husband, Clarence, a minister, complains he is constantly being interrupted. On our way to church one Sunday, it was happening again. Frustrated, Clarence declared: "That's why I preach. It's the only time I get to talk without being interrupted!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-20-2006 12:49 PM                        Rated PG Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement--not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later,Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it,but she refused. "Absolutely not.I look like a million bucks in this dress,and I'm wearing it," she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said,"Never mind sweetheart.I'll get another dress. After all,it's your special day." A few days later,they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother,"Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it." Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear.I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-20-2006 01:00 PM                        Rated G cutie pa2ti Dad: Son, if you were out in the country, far from here, and only had a compass, how would you use it to find your way back? Jimmy: Easy. I'd sell it for a few bucks and then buy a bus ticket home.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-22-2006 08:08 AM                        Rated G Lorraine While I was putting my reluctant four-year-old to bed one evening, he looked up at me and said accusingly, "I know what you and Dad do at night when I'm in bed." Rather taken aback by this statement, I asked what he meant. "You eat all the good stuff," he replied.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-22-2006 11:53 AM                        Rated G B.B. As the seventh of eight children, my son Isaac is used to hand-me- downs. He was very excited on his eighth birthday, therefore, when we took him to a store to choose a watch. A clerk demonstrated the features to him: "This is the hour hand, this is the minute hand, and this is the second hand." With that, Isaac's face fell. "Secondhand? I thought we were buying a new one!"  |  IP: Logged

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