Quotes That You May Have Missed... Mark as unread

The reason it's always so difficult for this President to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth is because it's usually threedifferent stories.
--Sam Donaldson

If the President could convince every woman in America that the Bible says oral sex is not adultery, he'd even have my vote.
--Newt Gingrich

What's wrong with extending my probe? The President did the same thing.
--Kenneth Starr

The special prosecutor is asking me to give oral testimony to the entire Grand Jury.
--Monica Lewinsky

Shouldn't the President be held to the same standards as a TV sportscaster?
--Marv Albert

The President should promise to spend the rest of his life trying to find the real person who had oral sex with the intern.
--OJ Simpson

If I had to spend all day trying to find jobs for every bimbo who swore she didn't have sex with the president, I'd never get any of my own work done.
--Vernon Jordan

The president should take up skiing.
--Al Gore

If you're looking for me this week, I'll be in the bunker.
--Saddam Hussein

Practicing safe sex in the Clinton White House means making sure the door is locked.
--George Stephanopoulos

One morning Clinton is out jogging with his Secret Service and they happen to pass a hooker on a corner.

Clinton calls to her, "How much?"

She answers, "$100!"

"Forget it!" he replies, "I can get it for $10!"

The next day they happen by the same hooker. He again asks her, "How much?"

"$100" she shouts back.

"Forget it" he replies, "I can get it for $10!"

Well...the next day Hillary decides to go jogging with Bill.

They, of course, pass the same hooker.

Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House. Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up.

"Bill, Bill wakeup." Bill stays sleeping.

Hillary continues, "Bill, Bill wake up." Bill finally wakes up and says, "What do you want?"

Hillary responds, "I have to go use the bathroom."

To which Bill says, "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom.

Hillary went into a pet shop and found a beautiful, colorful parrot.

"Does this parrot talk?" she asked.

"Yes, he does," the manager told her.

"But why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500?" she asked.

"Well, ma'am," the manager told her, "not everyone would want to own this parrot. He spent many years in a whorehouse, and his language is terrible."

"Well, I want him," she said. "Suit yourself," the manager shrugged. When she got the parrot back to the White House, she uncovered his cage and admired the colorful bird.

The parrot tilted his head to one side, looked her straight in the eye, and said, "New house, new madam." Hillary laughed.

Soon Chelsea and a friend came in and began admiring the bird."New house, new whores," the parrot observed. At first they were offended, but when Hilary explained about the bird's history,they too, laughed at him.

My fellow Americans this is President Bill Clinton.

I know inthe past I have rewarded those of you who made generous contributions to my campaign, and just because I'm back in office doesn't mean you should stop writing those checks.

The democratic party needs your money, so:If you contribute $25,000 you get to have coffee at the white house.$50,000 and you get to have lunch with Vice-president Gore and have your picture taken with me and Hillary.

For $100,000 you can have lunch with Al Gore, take your pictur with me, and poke Hillery with a sharp stick.

For $200,000 you can poke Al Gore with a stick, have dinner with me, and French-kiss Hillery.

For $300,000 you can beat Al Gore senseless with an aluminum bat, take a shower with Hillery, and make one prank call to China on the hotline.

In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady.

After several minutes of the trip, the train passest hrough a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.

When they leave the tunnel, Clinton had a big red slapmark on his cheek.

(1) The blonde thought - "That Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."

(2) The fat lady thought - "That dirty old Bill Clinton laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him." (

(3) Bill Clinton thought - "George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."

Bill Clinton - Similarities

Q: What does golf and Monica Lewinsky have in common?
A: They both appeal to old men, and they can both get a hole in one.

Q: What do Bill Clinton and the toilet have in common?
A: They can both see things they shouldn't be looking at.

Q: What do the Oval Office and the Yankee Stadium have in common?
A: They both get a lot of action.

Q: What do the Titanic and Bill Clinton have in common?
A: They both went down.

Q: What does Bill Clinton have in common with a cow?
A: You can get liquid from either one.

At a party, Albert Einstein introduces himself to the first person he sees and immediately asks, "What is your IQ?"

"241,"the man replies.

"Wonderful!" Albert says. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the universe.We will have much to discuss!"

Albert then introduces himself to a woman nearby, asking, "And what is your IQ?" The lady answers, "144."

"Great!" says Albert."We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"

Moving around the room, Albert pulls aside another man and asks,"What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51."

It has been confirmed that the worst foursome in golf consists of Monica Lewinski, OJ Simpson, Ted Kennedy and Bill Clinton.

Why would that be?

Bill Clinton, Abraham Lincoln, and George Bush died and went to heaven.

They were walking and knocked on the door of heaven.

God answered and said that they could have one more chance. He told them to go over to the cloud on his far right and say what they wanted to do to make the world a better place.

Then jump off and do that deed. That would show the last part of the test of life and then that would show that they were ready for heaven.

Abraham went first. "I am going to start world peace!" and he jumped off and started world peace.

Then George Bush went and said, "I am going to clean up all the trash put on earth." And he jumped off and started the world wide committee for trash clean-ups.

Dear Abby,

My husband has cheated on me our entire marriage.

He tells everybody how much he loves me, but they all know what he's doing. He has many influential friends and they just pretend it's not happening because they want his help in big deals.They're so snowed by him that they avoid the whole issue.

I knowI should be thankful that he is successful in his profession, but now many of his coworkers are leery of him. Every time hegets caught, he first denies it all, then admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him.

This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he's a cheater. I don't know what to do.

Frustrated.

Dear Frustrated,

Why don't you move to New York and run for the Senate?

Q: What do you call a horny redneck who can't tell the truth?
A: Bill Clinton.

QWhat do you call a horny redneck who can't tell the truth?
A: Bill Clinton.

Q: Where is the best place to meet Bill Clinton and why?
A: The oval office because he can't corner you.
*******************************************************
Bill Clinton went to bed one night and then suddenly woke up to see George Washington standing there.

He asked, "How can I be abetter president?"

Washington replied, "Be honest Bill."

Clinton went back to bed, then he woke again to see Thomas Jefferson standing there.

He asked, "How can I be a better president?" Jefferson replied, "Be loyal Bill."

He went back to bed, then woke again to see Abe Lincoln standing there.

Three midgets who really want to be in the Guiness Book of World Records decide that they can come up with "something" that would qualify them for submission into the book.

They call up the judging panel and arrange an appointment.

The first midget walks into the judging room and tells the panel, "I believe I have the smallest hands in the world!" The judges examine him and confer.

Upon making their decision, the midget exits the room. As he enters the waiting area, he tells his friends, "I made it! I have the smallest hands in the WORLD!"

The second midget walks into the judging room and tells the panel, "I have the smallest feet in the world!" The judges examine his feet and confer. Upon making their decision, the midget exits the room. As he enters the waiting room, he tells his friends, "I made it! I have the smallest feet in the WORLD!"

The third midget walks into the judging room and tells the panel, "Well, I don't have the smallest hands or feet in the world, but I think I do have something that might qualify!" With that he whips out his tiny dick and shows the judges. They chuckle, but examine him and confer. Upon making their decision,the midget exits the room. As he enters the waiting area, he shakes his head back and forth, hanging his head low.

(Beverly Hillbillies melody)

Monica's Book Titles