Lewisnsky vs. Windows 95

What's the difference between Monica Lewinsky and Windows 95?

POOR MONICA HAS GOT IT HARD....

The interview lasted two hours. Two hours? That's more time than Clinton spent with her. (Dennis Miller)

Monica Lewinsky is starting out on a worldwide book signing tour to support her new autobiography, "Monica's Story". Or... you can get the "Books On Tape" version, narrated by Linda Tripp

"Penthouse offered Lewinsky $2 million to pose nude. This confirms what Clinton said in his State of the Union address: He is creating high paying jobs for young people."(Jay Leno)

Q: What do you get when Monica Lewinsky and an Indian are driving down the highway? -

Once upon a time, not long ago there was a Presidential election that was too close to call. Neither the Republican presidential candidate nor the Democratic presidential candidate had enough votes to win the election. Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice-fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the final winner.

There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week long ice fishing competition seemed the (manly) way to settle things.

The candidate that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins.

After a lot of back and forth discussion, it was decidedthat the contest would take place on a remote and cold lake in North Dakota. There were to be no observers
present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this remote lake and return daily with their catch for counting and verification.

At the end of the first day, George W. returns to the starting line and he has 10 fish. Soon, Al Gore returns and has zero fish.

Well, everyone assumes he is just having another bad hair day or something and hopefully, he will catch up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day George W. comes in with 20 fish and Al Gore comes in again with none.

That evening, Bill Clinton gets together secretly with Al and says, "Al, I think George W. is a lowlife cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and
don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see if he is cheating in any way.

The next night (after George W. comes back with 50 fish), Bill Clinton says to Al, "Well, what about it, is George W. cheatin'?"

Dear Sirs:

I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings,and at the same time getting our airline industry back on its feet.

Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women we should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman, and of course, everyone in this country would start flying again in hopes of seeing a naked woman.

We would have no more hijackings, and the airline industry would have record sales.

Now why didn't Congress think of this?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

One day, before president Bush was sworn into office, a young boy was curious.

He came up to his dad, and asked: "Dad, what is the difference between a democrat and a republican, and why do they show them as animals?"

His dad replied: "Son, we are republicans, so we are represented by the elephant. And the democrats are represented by the donkey, because they are so damn stubborn."

Bill Clinton fell deathly ill while being transported home from his Africa trip.

Apparently he picked up a strange, life-threatening disease in one of the villages.

He was rushed to Bethesda Naval Hospital for a complicated operation. He went under the knife in the early morning, and when he awoke, he saw that the curtains were closed around him and it was dark.

"Why are the curtains closed?" the President asked the Secret Service agent sitting beside his bed. "Is it night already?"

After much arguing and deliberation, historians this week have come up witha phrase to describe the Clinton Era. It will be called: SEX BETWEEN THE BUSHES.

The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta announced that Clinton has proventhat you can get sex from Aides.

Jennifer Flowers was asked if her relationship with Clinton was anythinglike Monica Lewinski's. She replied, "Close, but no cigar."

The FBI has coined a technical term for the stains found on Monica's dress:"Presidue."

Clinton now recruits interns from only four colleges: Moorhead, Oral
Roberts, Ball State and Brigham Young.

Did you know that Clinton had asked to change the Democratic emblem from a donkey to a condom? It produces inflation, halts production, and gives you afalse sense of security while you are being screwed.

Arkansas is very proud of Bill Clinton. All these women coming forward, and not one is his sister!

The President of the United States, George W. Bush, has asked that all Americans and Canadians unite together in a common cause to root out terrorists hiding in our community.

Since the Taliban cannot stand nudity and consider it a sin to see a naked woman that is not one's wife, on Saturday afternoon at 2:00 p.m. EST, all North American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.
Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All men should position themselves in lawn chairs in front of your house to prove that you think it's OK to see other women nude. (Since they do not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack
at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.)

Names and addresses of non-participants should be sent to CIA Headquarters, Langley, Virginia. The United States of America appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your efforts. Please, by all means, send this to your fellow Patriots toensure 100% participation.

Thank you for your participation,

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious. Here she's in the middle of her first term as Senator of New York and this has happened to her. She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming; "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?"

There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.She screams again, "Did you hear me?"

Chelsea Clinton went off to college and came back home for the holidays. Hillary was quite happy to see her daughter and pressed her for information about college.

"So, are you enjoying college, dear?" she asked.

Chelsea nodded vigorously.

"And are there boys in college?" Hillary questioned.

Once again, Chelsea nodded with a mischievous gleam in her eyes.

Hillary, unable to resist and curious about her daughter's activities, went on to ask, "And are you having sex with these boys?"

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road near Buffalo, New York, one evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't -- the old cow was killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse on the farm where the cow evidently belonged and explain to the owners what happened. The driver complied.

About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of expensive wine in one hand, an expensive Cuban cigar in the other and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened?" asked Hillary.

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

"Q: Did you hear about the new Monica Lewinski poker machine?

Would You Like A Drink?

Jerry Falwell, a well-known religious protector of 'public decency', was seated next to Bill Clinton on a recent flight.

After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. Clinton asked for a whiskey and soda which were brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.

The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"

He found three such ladies in a local lounge---a blonde , a brunette , and a redhead.

To the blonde he said , "I am the president of the United States. How much would it cost me to spend some time with you?"

The blonde replied, "Two hundred dollars."

To the brunette he posed the same question , and she replied, "One hundred dollars.

"He then asked the redhead the same question.