Kenneth Starr

I am Starr. Starr I are.
I’m a brilliant barri-star.
I’m here to ask, as you’ll soon see;
Did you grope Miss Lew-in-sky?
Did you grope her in you house?
Did you grope beneath her blouse?
Did she give you gifts and ties?
Were you spied by prying eyes?

I did not do that here or there!
I did not do that anywhere!
I did not do that in a chair!
I went not near her giant hair!
I did not join — even for fun,
The Mile High Club in Air Force One,
So stow you feathers and your tar,
    I did not do her, Starr you are!
Did you smile?
Did you flirt?
Did you peek beneath her skirt?
And did you tell the girl to lie,
When called upon to testify?

It seems that Ken Starr is dropping all sexual allegations against President Clinton.

It all stems from the Paula Jones case....

The Top 5 Surprises in the Monica Lewinsky's Testimony...

5. Ken Starr's original request was for Monica's
    dress with the "sequin" on it.

4. Stain turns out to be McDonald's "Secret Sauce."

3. Linda Tripp confided that she hopes
      Ed Asner plays her in the movie.

4. Although not advertised, anyone tuned into
     www.MyFirstPresident.com saw the whole thing!

Possible Titles for Lewinsky's New Book:

•Podium Girl

•Me and My Big Mouth

•She's Chief of MY Staff!

•Deep Inside The Oval Office

•How I Blew It In Washington

•Going Back for Gore

•Secret Services to the President

•Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule

•Members of the Presidential Cabinet

•What Really Goes Down In The White House

•The Congressional Study on Intern Positions

The Denver Post Reported today that Monica Lewinsky, depressed after the media comments about her figure, and wanting a new image, reported to a plastic surgeon for removal of her love handles.

•President Clinton is furious with People magazine for a story on his daughter. Up until now, there's been an unwritten agreement between the president and the press - they'll leave his daughter alone, and he'll leave their daughters alone. (Leno)

•You can understand Clinton being upset... he's tried very, very hard never to do anything that would embarrass his family. (Letterman)

During a heated news conference, Clinton was asked, "What about the powerful interest that controls you ?"

Clinton snapped back, "You leave Hillary out of this !"

Do you know what President Clinton says to Hillary when he wants to make love?

The Clintons were getting ready for a costume party and Bill comes into the room where Hillary is starting to get ready.

She looks at him and says,"you aren't really going out in that outfit, are you? You look ridiculous with that potato in your pants.

Bill (for once) stands up to her and says, "I most certainly am!"

So, Hillary goes into the kitchen and comes back out with only a lemon on her snatch. Bill is quite dumbstruck at her attire, but finally manages to ask her what in the sam hill she thinks she's suppose to be.

Question: Why will Monica Lewinski never become a doctor?
Answer: She sucks as an intern.

 
Monica Lewinsky's Lawyer, handing a picture of her to Bill Clinton asks:
"Mr. President, do you recognize this woman?"

Clinton's mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be president.
So far, half of her prayer has been answered.

Critics say an impeachment trial could tie up the three branches of government until June.
We should impeach presidents more often.

ANAGRAM OF THE MONTH:

"President Clinton of the USA" can be rearranged
(with no letters left over, and using each letter only once) into:
"To copulate he finds interns"

President Clinton confounded critics when
his job approval rating went up to 69% this week.

"It's no secret why most Americans love him....
He's the only person on TV who's not talking about Monica Lewinsky."

The Secret Service got a real scare the other day when someone threw a beer at Bill Clinton during his morning jog....
- - Fortunately, it was a draft, so he was able to dodge it.

Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school love.
They exchanged hellos, and went on their way.

As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today."

What Goes Around Comes Around

Clinton died and went to heaven -- or to be more accurate -- approached the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.

"It's me, Bill Clinton"

"And what do you want?" asked St. Peter.

"Lemme in!" replied Clinton.

"Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?"

Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extramarital sex, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal.

Clinton's Final State of the Union Address

Members of Congress...people of America....I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong.  Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older  than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell  would envy. Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President.

So, let me set the record straight.  I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good.

Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen.  But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part.   Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport."

Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in. Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausible deniability,' and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing.

Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange.

And Johnny Kennedy, who was more than a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for beaver-wrestling shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House.

Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less.  The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night-watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from.